love one more time

for anyone who has been following my blog or knows me personally, my journey in the last year (or 32 years) has been nothing short of hard. i've had many ups and downs, ins and outs, laughter and tears.  i've been given the opportunity to show myself that i am still strong. i have found a couple of things that i enjoy a lot more than i thought i did. i've become inspired to do more, to live with my arms wide open, take me or leave me. it's been confusing. it's been dark and terrifying. i've found beauty and courage, even in the darkest times. i've been reminded of the abundant love i am surrounded by daily in my friends, my family and my children. i've been given grace because i'm not always the easiest person to be around, especially when life is so incredibly challenging. i've been given the strength to carry on, day in and day out, caring for four magnificent children (magnificent and full of the ability to wear me right out)! i've been shown that even when i doubt myself and my ability to continue doing 'this,' i actually CAN do it. i can persevere and thrive. i've found a true spiritual home and continually feel filled up, overwhelmed and thankful FOR every new day that i'm given to do better for myself and my kids. this place humbles me and opens me up for more love. i'm reminded that we all deserve a second chance. or maybe a hundredth chance at whatever it is we are struggling to figure out. we are all human and make mistakes, but we are also able to keep working to do better.

may 28 would have been the fifth month since my husband and i separated. nothing ever felt so real in all my life. nothing was ever harder than those five months that we were separated. unless, of course, you count the year we spent completely apart when he moved to florida for a promotion and we could not find a place to live there. those were some long months back then too, with an infant, a 2 year old, 4 year old and a 10 year old. not to mention the snowiest winter we had had in years.

thankfully may 28 will not mark a full fifth month of us being separated. instead we will be in vegas together for a weekend away. it's funny how fast things can change...or seem to change. the thing is, all along, things have been changing. the way we took care of ourselves, the way we communicated, didn't communicate, fought, loved, parented, our outlook on life, and overall, lived. the way things have changed have allowed us both to grow as individuals, strengthening our ability to be together in a relationship. we've been able to have some really great healing conversations in the last couple weeks. in my opinion, it's sort of like a new relationship. it's the first time that i feel we took the time we both needed to heal, grow, take care of ourselves and learn to work together. the truth is, our marriage has not been one where we were actually living together all of the time. for the first year or so, he worked here in town. the second year he went to florida for 8 months. the last year and half, he has been traveling extensively for his current position. we have definitely had our share of relationship hardships. everything really pushed our relationship aside and we pushed each other aside unintentionally. needless to say, we have been given another chance to love each other and be married. there's a reason neither of us filed for divorce. maybe it was time, maybe it was money, maybe it was trying to figure out all the details. who knows. but those things interfered enough to keep us from divorce and for that, i am thankful. i've been given another chance and i must show up.

as i was learning to live life as a single mom, i learned some (i think) valuable lessons that can be applied to any relationship...

~the second person starts the fight. you can't fight alone. if you decide to argue, you have started the fight, as it was your choice. choose your battles wisely!
~each person has their role...even if both of you work, there are other ways you have different, important roles. allow each of you to have those roles and appreciate the other for the things they do for the relationship/family/etc.
~soften up...it's okay to let that wall come down and be vulnerable. start small if you have to, but it's an important step to strengthen the trust you have with the other person.
~really listen to what the other person is trying to say. not everybody is going to come out and say exactly what they mean. if you're not sure, ask questions. listen with your heart and your ears. 
~look for the ways the other person shows they love you. maybe it's having the laundry done so you don't have to worry about it. maybe it's cooking dinner for the family when they are home/able to so you don't have to. maybe they pick up a magazine/book/coffee that they know you like as a sweet reminder they were thinking of you. it's possible these things don't happen often, but find them. they are there.
~encourage them. appreciate them. love them. accept them. be humble.
~show affection/intimacy/love...hugs, kisses, back rub, love notes, calls to say you appreciate all they do. 
~learn to say 'i'm sorry' and mean it. hard to do, yet easy enough if you let your pride go.

i'm sure there are more, but these are good starts that cost nothing and take you far together.

i could easily be a big, big mess right now. i could be pushing forward with a divorce i didn't really want because i had a point to prove. i could be fighting, hating, arguing and angry. instead, i am being brave, finding courage to be open and honest, forgiving and learning to trust. i'm also scared, but i know there's a reason we've been given another chance to figure this out. recognizing my fear gives me courage to keep on. maybe this is it and it will be (semi) smooth sailing from here on out. the unknown is okay now. i usually get a little anxious when i don't know what is going to happen. i also usually close up and keep my distance so as to avoid being hurt again. i don't want that kind of life. i want a life of love and living fully. my newest friend, who is like my separated-at-birth-sister, has taught me so many things this past year. i fully believe that people come into our lives when we need them most. we met in my front yard with me crying about my life, mowing in my work clothes. like so many others, she has held my hand and been by my side. the difference is she did it and allowed me to be who i am without apology. as i was wondering if i'd totally blown my chance at a friendship by saying too much on first meeting, she was in her house feeling freed by me being so open, thankful that i WAS so open! i guess it really does pay to take these kinds of chances. i want to live a life full of these kinds of relationships, including the one with my husband. i always thought i was too broken to share any of that with anyone. i thought those things would not just push, but DRIVE them away, fast and fierce. i couldn't be more wrong. those are the relationships worth having! so far, it's going well with husband and i. i find myself holding back now and then, but it doesn't stay. i push through and share. the silly details of our lives do nothing to bring us closer. so i encourage you to dive deeper, share more, trust and love. i told husband i didn't want to talk about my day running kids around...those details are so COMPLETELY boring and mundane. i want to talk about the things that will strengthen our bond, so we understand each other better.

he called me the other day to thank me for taking care of everything all of the time. for having the laundry done all the time so he could focus on work, which is really busy right now, and also the kids who he doesn't see as much because of work. he thanked me for doing such a good job with everything. it was really, really nice to hear and to feel validated, as there are many days when it feels like my day is on repeat...wondering if this jean skirt i'm about to wash can really be dirty because, didn't i just wash it two days ago?!

i don't know where this road will take us, but it cannot possibly be any worse than the last year. it might be harder, but i can do hard. just not worse. hard can still be good and i'll gladly take that because that means work is being done.