falling apart or falling into place?

i can't even pretend anymore that i'm not having a hard time. it seems the kids are falling apart at the seams. if i didn't hear another whine in my life i would be forever grateful. that goes for fighting too. i try really hard to have patience with them, yet lately it is all i can do to keep from shutting myself in my room until tomorrow.

the imminent divorce that i hoped would never happen is happening. tuesday we go to (hopefully) finalize the whole thing and then i can really start to move forward and heal more and just be semi-normal with everything else. there's just so much on my mind right now that has yet to be dealt with that i'm trying really hard to not have anxiety over the whole thing. this is just about the hardest thing i have ever had to do. after months and months of trying and praying and hoping, i finally had to file for divorce in october. even then, there was some 'maybe this can still work out' times. as much as i know he doesn't want the divorce, i couldn't see a way that we could make it work. i feel like we are too broken, like a vase that is smashed into millions of shards of glass. it could happen, but would take years and years and YEARS of tedious work. i just couldn't anymore. my heart broke; i know i have to just look ahead to what is coming. i'm due for something great, really. it's only logical that after so many hard years and so much hardship, that greatness comes next.

but these kids. what do i even DO about them? it has been a tremendously long winter here in minnesota and it feels like we have been on top of each other all winter long. as i write, we are getting even more snow. really though i think it's the stress and the hardship this divorce has caused all of us. it makes me feel so bad, realizing the divorce that i filed for, could be causing so much pain in my sweet babies. i have to be honest with myself and not forget the pain i endured within my marriage and remember that they suffered from that, too. i keep telling myself that these kids just need to know they are safe, they are loved, they have what they need: warm house, good food, each other, their mom and other family and they still have their dad. they don't have to pick. sometimes they say, "i'm on mommy's side" and then the other will say, "i'm on daddy's side." and i just tell them, "you don't have to pick a side. you can love us both, we will always be your mommy and your daddy. and we both love you guys." SO HARD. they just don't need to feel so insecure about life. they are too little and precious. i don't know where they pick this stuff up from, but i sure know it's not me. the other day, my five year old told me he wanted to go into Johnny Test and go back to the future and make a new mommy who will buy them as many toys as they wanted and then replace me with his new mommy. (okay this was pretty funny actually).

it doesn't feel good though, to be so stressed that you can't even decide what shirt to put on. or to not realize what day it is five times in the same day that two minutes before you knew it was saturday. i don't want to feel like i've given up on things. it hurts like crazy to not have a whole family like it's been...the funny thing is we weren't even really complete. we were always apart. someone always seemed to be missing for one reason or another. and no family should function only when one person is not there. although i miss the whole family being together thing, i missed that before since it was never all of us all together. i only have four years until my oldest is off to college. i need to make the most of his last four years at home. i need to figure out what i'm going to do to sustain us. looking for a job in the midst of a divorce after being a stay at home mom for 5 years is a lot harder than i thought it would be. somehow my degree and experience just doesn't account for much after that long.

what i'm looking forward to is peace. calm. order. togetherness. planting my garden and watching it grow and harvesting it. at the same time, figuring out how to help my kids have peace and love during this whole thing. i want to paint and write and just be. while my patience is running short and i feel stretched beyond all possibility, i know i can do this. i know i will be okay and they will be, too. now if only to figure out how to start waking up before everyone else to have my coffee and sit in silence for a few moments each morning. . .

love one more time

for anyone who has been following my blog or knows me personally, my journey in the last year (or 32 years) has been nothing short of hard. i've had many ups and downs, ins and outs, laughter and tears.  i've been given the opportunity to show myself that i am still strong. i have found a couple of things that i enjoy a lot more than i thought i did. i've become inspired to do more, to live with my arms wide open, take me or leave me. it's been confusing. it's been dark and terrifying. i've found beauty and courage, even in the darkest times. i've been reminded of the abundant love i am surrounded by daily in my friends, my family and my children. i've been given grace because i'm not always the easiest person to be around, especially when life is so incredibly challenging. i've been given the strength to carry on, day in and day out, caring for four magnificent children (magnificent and full of the ability to wear me right out)! i've been shown that even when i doubt myself and my ability to continue doing 'this,' i actually CAN do it. i can persevere and thrive. i've found a true spiritual home and continually feel filled up, overwhelmed and thankful FOR every new day that i'm given to do better for myself and my kids. this place humbles me and opens me up for more love. i'm reminded that we all deserve a second chance. or maybe a hundredth chance at whatever it is we are struggling to figure out. we are all human and make mistakes, but we are also able to keep working to do better.

may 28 would have been the fifth month since my husband and i separated. nothing ever felt so real in all my life. nothing was ever harder than those five months that we were separated. unless, of course, you count the year we spent completely apart when he moved to florida for a promotion and we could not find a place to live there. those were some long months back then too, with an infant, a 2 year old, 4 year old and a 10 year old. not to mention the snowiest winter we had had in years.

thankfully may 28 will not mark a full fifth month of us being separated. instead we will be in vegas together for a weekend away. it's funny how fast things can change...or seem to change. the thing is, all along, things have been changing. the way we took care of ourselves, the way we communicated, didn't communicate, fought, loved, parented, our outlook on life, and overall, lived. the way things have changed have allowed us both to grow as individuals, strengthening our ability to be together in a relationship. we've been able to have some really great healing conversations in the last couple weeks. in my opinion, it's sort of like a new relationship. it's the first time that i feel we took the time we both needed to heal, grow, take care of ourselves and learn to work together. the truth is, our marriage has not been one where we were actually living together all of the time. for the first year or so, he worked here in town. the second year he went to florida for 8 months. the last year and half, he has been traveling extensively for his current position. we have definitely had our share of relationship hardships. everything really pushed our relationship aside and we pushed each other aside unintentionally. needless to say, we have been given another chance to love each other and be married. there's a reason neither of us filed for divorce. maybe it was time, maybe it was money, maybe it was trying to figure out all the details. who knows. but those things interfered enough to keep us from divorce and for that, i am thankful. i've been given another chance and i must show up.

as i was learning to live life as a single mom, i learned some (i think) valuable lessons that can be applied to any relationship...

~the second person starts the fight. you can't fight alone. if you decide to argue, you have started the fight, as it was your choice. choose your battles wisely!
~each person has their role...even if both of you work, there are other ways you have different, important roles. allow each of you to have those roles and appreciate the other for the things they do for the relationship/family/etc.
~soften up...it's okay to let that wall come down and be vulnerable. start small if you have to, but it's an important step to strengthen the trust you have with the other person.
~really listen to what the other person is trying to say. not everybody is going to come out and say exactly what they mean. if you're not sure, ask questions. listen with your heart and your ears. 
~look for the ways the other person shows they love you. maybe it's having the laundry done so you don't have to worry about it. maybe it's cooking dinner for the family when they are home/able to so you don't have to. maybe they pick up a magazine/book/coffee that they know you like as a sweet reminder they were thinking of you. it's possible these things don't happen often, but find them. they are there.
~encourage them. appreciate them. love them. accept them. be humble.
~show affection/intimacy/love...hugs, kisses, back rub, love notes, calls to say you appreciate all they do. 
~learn to say 'i'm sorry' and mean it. hard to do, yet easy enough if you let your pride go.

i'm sure there are more, but these are good starts that cost nothing and take you far together.

i could easily be a big, big mess right now. i could be pushing forward with a divorce i didn't really want because i had a point to prove. i could be fighting, hating, arguing and angry. instead, i am being brave, finding courage to be open and honest, forgiving and learning to trust. i'm also scared, but i know there's a reason we've been given another chance to figure this out. recognizing my fear gives me courage to keep on. maybe this is it and it will be (semi) smooth sailing from here on out. the unknown is okay now. i usually get a little anxious when i don't know what is going to happen. i also usually close up and keep my distance so as to avoid being hurt again. i don't want that kind of life. i want a life of love and living fully. my newest friend, who is like my separated-at-birth-sister, has taught me so many things this past year. i fully believe that people come into our lives when we need them most. we met in my front yard with me crying about my life, mowing in my work clothes. like so many others, she has held my hand and been by my side. the difference is she did it and allowed me to be who i am without apology. as i was wondering if i'd totally blown my chance at a friendship by saying too much on first meeting, she was in her house feeling freed by me being so open, thankful that i WAS so open! i guess it really does pay to take these kinds of chances. i want to live a life full of these kinds of relationships, including the one with my husband. i always thought i was too broken to share any of that with anyone. i thought those things would not just push, but DRIVE them away, fast and fierce. i couldn't be more wrong. those are the relationships worth having! so far, it's going well with husband and i. i find myself holding back now and then, but it doesn't stay. i push through and share. the silly details of our lives do nothing to bring us closer. so i encourage you to dive deeper, share more, trust and love. i told husband i didn't want to talk about my day running kids around...those details are so COMPLETELY boring and mundane. i want to talk about the things that will strengthen our bond, so we understand each other better.

he called me the other day to thank me for taking care of everything all of the time. for having the laundry done all the time so he could focus on work, which is really busy right now, and also the kids who he doesn't see as much because of work. he thanked me for doing such a good job with everything. it was really, really nice to hear and to feel validated, as there are many days when it feels like my day is on repeat...wondering if this jean skirt i'm about to wash can really be dirty because, didn't i just wash it two days ago?!

i don't know where this road will take us, but it cannot possibly be any worse than the last year. it might be harder, but i can do hard. just not worse. hard can still be good and i'll gladly take that because that means work is being done.

living out loud

last night i went to hear Glennon Doyle from Momastery.com. i got a pre-print copy of her book Carry On, Warrior months ago. i was ecstatic to hear her speak on suffering and faith and healing. although our stories aren't all the same, i could relate to so many of them. for example, when i was age 7 (or so), my sister told me i was fat. maybe i never became bulimic, but i remember crying. she brought me a teddy bear. to this day i remember thinking, does she really think this changes things? i've since forgiven my sister, but i've come out of it learning i don't want gifts as a form of apology. it doesn't work for me.

as my very close friend and neighbor, Ariana, walked in to the church where Glennon was speaking, i was plotting my response to the email my husband had sent and i felt the need to respond, strongly. we found our seats and i started replying and as i found myself struggling to find the words i needed to repute what he was saying, Glennon said something about not to fight back. and it hit me! i stopped right then and there, deleted what i was working on and finished up with the email cordially and with no fighting. after all, i knew i was so tired of fighting, so why would i continue with this? so as ariana and i were sitting listening to Glennon finishing up her talk, i knew i wanted to say SOMETHING, during the Q & A... i just wasn't sure what. finally it came to me. i leaned over to Ariana and said, "I know what i want to say!" she said, "GO!" So i walked my sassy-self up there to the microphone, in my cream high healed wedges, cuffed skinny jeans, thin white sweater and light turquoise colored bracelet, heart racing and stood and waited. the pastor announced i would be the last one to comment. great, i thought, i better make this good! (FYI, this is not exactly what i said, but here's why i had to say something)

a year ago, i found myself a working, single mom of four. my husband had left for the second time that year. he left two more times last year and finally after Christmas, i told him not to come back anymore. so last spring, i came home from work and the grass was long. i got the lawn mower out and started mowing, in my work clothes, bare foot, because who has time to change shoes or clothes. i soon noticed my neighbor (ariana) walking down the street and kept thinking, maybe she won't come talk to me. maybe if i don't notice her, she won't stop! well, she DID stop. she had a few kids with her and asked me how i was. little did she know she was opening the flood gates. "i'm fine", i said, "my husband left (again) recently and i just have to get the lawn mowed." she said, "are you sure it's over?" and i said, "yes, i'm sure." the tears started flowing, her kids just sort of looked at me, this crazy lady, crying in her yard with her lawn mower and yard waste barrel sitting there. mind you, this was only my second time meeting these people! i had nothing else to offer but ME. the real live me. all the good, the bad and the ugly. and she and i bonded immediately. there was no turning back. my ugly story was out and by then, i figured i'd lost a chance at a friend (because who wants a train wreck for a friend?). i was worried i would not be fine. but i AM fine. but i have not ALWAYS been fine. i had my first son at 19 and was so scared telling my family. when i told my grandparents, it took me HOURS. literally! my grandpa looked around at all of us and said, "she's going to be fine. THEY are going to be fine." and i was. little did i know, that little, teary filled conversation opened up a friendship that was bigger than i ever imagined possible. the shallow friendship never existed. i showed her the real me from the start and there was no going back. our friendship had no place to go but deeper and i have realized she is like an angel to me. every body is put into our lives for a reason. after much of my life being told that i should watch what i say, that people don't want to hear about the bad stuff, that it makes them uncomfortable, i found out that actually, the opposite was true. that we could connect on a truer level than i ever thought possible if i just didn't hold back.

i wanted to thank Glennon for being brave and sharing her not-so-pretty stories because in my opinion, the not-so-pretty stories are better and more heartfelt than the perfect ones and that until i stumbled upon her blog and Facebook page, i was always editing who i was and what i said, for fear of offending someone. rest assured, i was crying right away, within the first 30 seconds of speaking and my eyes were dancing in my head and i felt like i couldn't see anything correctly. maybe it was fear for saying my truth because it would make people uncomfortable, maybe it was out of fear because i was speaking in front of a few hundred people. who knows. all i know is i ended by thanking her for being brave and sharing. i told her she inspired me to share who i am and to live out loud, to live with my arms wide open, saying "here i am." she clasped her hands together, put them to her heart and walked down to me to hug me, and as she did, she mouthed to me, "carry on, warrior." the whole place was clapping and standing. surreal.

i didn't mean to take her spotlight. i simply wanted to thank her for being an inspiration to me through a very difficult time. i shared how lonely it is to be sitting besides someone you adore and love, yet feel more lonely than if you were sitting there alone by yourself. she and her book, validated my belief that my desire and need to share my stories, pretty and not-so-pretty and everything in between, is alright because it helps me and also might just help someone else. her stories helped me to identify what i was feeling that was missing in my relationship with my husband...depth. what i loved so much was everyone feels and experiences life's greatest emotions the same, it's the details that are not the same. everyone experiences joy, love, pain, suffering, happiness. do the details really matter? it's the details that cause us to feel that we are lacking and thus, cause us to feel isolated and alone. the best, most wonderful thing that i have seen come out of this stage in my life is that when i felt most alone, confused and desperate for true relationships, my people came out of the woodwork. they lifted me up, supported me, helped me and loved me. for me. with all my messiness. PROOF that i am just as lovable messy as i am nice and neat and predictable. i can be who i am and still be loved.

all my life, i was known for sharing the stories no one wanted told about them. like the time my mom took me and my sisters on a canoe trip to the BWCA and we got stuck going through a shallow canal. my mom got up and stood on a rock and us three girls just sat there, looking up at her, when she said, "maybe if you got your fat asses out of the canoe, we wouldn't be stuck!" it's funny now and we can all laugh at it, but my mom feeling embarrassed, is an understatement as to how she felt when i first shared this story to her book group. let's just say, they still talk about it...in good humor of course. i also get told i'm too intense for most people, which is disheartening because my intensity, partnered with someone else's intensity (about something, not relationship-wise) would be a force to be reckoned with if given a chance.




my story is not a pretty one. it isn't easy, simple or so-called perfect. within my short 32 years, i have lived through more experiences than most will experience in a life time. i don't regret a single moment of it as this is my truth. i am not ashamed. i don't know why coming out of and living through a not-so-perfect life would be considered 'persevering through adversity' by some because for many, it's just been the life they were given and for those of us with a life like this, we don't know it any other way. although it has not been easy, i can say for certain, i would not have wanted it any other way. not for one second. i am emotional, intense, intelligent, loving, kind, fun, reserved, passionate and nurturing. i am a mom, a sister, aunt and friend. i want to continue to share my story out loud because for me, i've never felt freer than i do today.

a beautiful struggle

i love hearing and knowing so many people have wonderful lives. we all do, really. wonderful doesn't mean perfect, in my eyes. every day is a chance to do things differently, to wake up with a new perspective, do things differently and to be who we want to be. it can be really hard and lonely though, when you know you have troubles or difficulties, yet you don't see many people sharing or talking about those difficulties. 

i am not sure why we feel like we can't share the "bad" because we have no problem sharing the good. people can't seem to wait to share all the great things they are experiencing in life. it just doesn't always really create good, heartfelt bonds when we just rattle off the stuff we think others will be impressed with or care about. i have to ask though, if we share the not-so-good stuff, do we think we are we admitting that we are weak or that we have no shame or pride? if we can only share the good, are we in denial of what is really going on in our lives? 

obviously with good comes bad. all things come in pairs. so it's no surprise to anyone that we all have troubles, but if we keep them to ourselves, what is to become of them? do they just fester and become bigger, leaving us to feel more isolated because we have no one saying, 'i've been there! i can understand the pain you are going through'? it's definitely not easy to say that i am struggling and i need help. asking for help is one of the hardest things for me to do. i'd rather try and figure things out on my own, but sometimes, that isn't possible. asking for help can be embarrassing, humiliating and very hard, especially when you've always been the kind of person who doesn't need a lot of help. all i know is, as hard as it is to ask for help, now that i have, i now feel so.much.better. i can sleep easier tonight knowing i have a few less things to worry about. i am letting others help me in different ways in order to lighten my load, so that i can focus on the things that need me to be fully present. lying in bed awake last night worrying left me a tired mama this morning and i knew i had to reach out. it was truly one of my best moments, realizing i didn't have to try and do this transition alone. during a weak moment, i found strength to reach out. and seriously. what a relief. 

there is no shame in making decisions that will get you where you want to be in the end. there is no embarrassment in saying i can't do this alone right now and i need some help bearing the weight of these hard things that feel very immediate and pressing. it would be a real shame if i had narrowed my life to the point that i had no one to turn to for help. where would i be then, if i had listened to him and allowed myself to push away the important people in my life, those that have been here for me all along? 

years and years ago, my mom and sisters and i were at a hotel. my mom was a single mom at the time and us girls were all in our pre-teen years. my mom didn't date a lot and we relied on each other tremendously to support the various needs of our family. looking back, i can't even figure out what we were doing to separate ourselves from one another in the hotel room because no one had cell phones or iPods at that time, but we were probably bickering. so at one point, my mom got very frustrated. she had us all come to the sink area of the room and she had a glass in her hand. she said, "this glass is like my heart. it is filled with water, which represents love. every time i give you my time, my energy, anything, i'm giving you my love. each act of love takes away from the love i have." (as she is talking, she poured a little water out of the glass). She continued on, "if i continue to give give give, and you guys don't show me you appreciate me, love me, care about me, soon my heart will be empty and i will have nothing left to give you (glass now empty). But if you do small things that show me you care, that you love me, like cleaning up after you make a mess in the kitchen instead of leaving it for me, or watering my plants because you notice they're dry, or spend time with me just talking, you are filling my heart with love, little by little. then i will be able to continue to give you love." i saw something today that called this our 'love bank.' we all have accounts that need withdrawls AND deposits.

i'm not gonna lie. at the time, it was one of those moments we thought, this is it, mom has lost it. but as i each year i get older, i understand it better. relationships are give and take. we do small things to show people we care, that they are important to us, that we love them and then they do the same, in their own way, in their own time. these things keep us full and help us to give to others. 

our love banks are real and i really think it's time we start looking out for each other, noticing when someone is struggling, in case asking for help or talking about their troubles is not something they are good at. we all can help to fill each other's hearts with small acts of kindness and love. i believe we cannot have the 'every-man-for-himself' approach. life is too hard as it is...there's gotta be a better way to get through this than trying to do it alone. right now, thanks to all my really fantastic friends and family, i feel i have love flowing around me, through me and filling me right up. pretty amazing feeling when it seems i should be feeling the complete opposite. 

when things fall apart

i really prayed it wouldn't come to this. it only took a week and a half before my renewed happiness within my marriage and with my husband came crashing down. after the 4th of July, it all fell apart. there has been no recovery of what i thought we had once again found. the only thing that was discovered was that my husband would rather ridicule and humiliate me in public and make plans to hang out with his friends. i was taking our new journey moving forward seriously, while it seems as though it was all for not. i feel more hurt and sad about this now than i did before. i thought we were starting with a new beginning of sorts, ready to move on and not look back. i thought we were truly recommitted to making our marriage last. he said he'd call one of the other husbands if he needed guidance or help. lie. he made me feel like we knew it would take time, real time, to rebuild our relationship. i feel so duped, it makes me sick to my stomach, but i have no choice but accept what is obvious. neither one of us wants to just admit the relationship is over, yet it is. a marriage like this cannot be saved.

where do i go from here? i feel like i am in limbo, not sure if i should go up or down, right or left. just sort of left floating somewhere in the middle between here and there, trying to find my way out of the darkness and confusion. as much as i want answers and to have it all figured out RIGHT NOW (because that's how i am), i'm reminding myself to try and relax and focus on what is important right now...taking care of my kids and myself. they need me to be strong and help them to understand what is going on. i want to be as honest and open with them as possible so that we can talk about how they are feeling and i can help them to adjust as well as possible.

there are moments i want to lay down and not get up. no one wants to be twice divorced with four kids. i feel like a total failure. i want to run away and disappear into the world unknown and not deal with any of this because maybe it will be easier and he can deal with picking up the pieces for once, have him comforting them because they want me, but alas, i am not there. maybe i'm working or maybe i'm on a trip. who knows. he'd have to figure it out and make a plan, just as i did for so many months. i can't though, because as any mom knows, you do not just abandon your children.

there are also many moments i am more motivated than ever to make that appointment to meet with an advisor at the University to plan out what i need to do to get into the program i want. i am motivated to create a happy home and make new memories with my children; to have the life i've always dreamed of. a dream home is not a large, beautiful home with brand new everything. a dream home is the home i create for my children, where we make memories, live happily and enjoy a peaceful, loving place to call home. maybe some day i'll look for love again, but for now, i'm good. i have a full plate taking care of myself and loving my four sweet children. i want to be me and no one else for another second in my life. i am ready to accept i that i have to take some responsibility for my marriage unraveling and i want to learn from this so that when i am ready, i do not repeat the same mistakes.

things i have learned: 

• i never will allow another person make me feel so small, weak and unimportant. i am a person who deserves respect, love and acceptance. i always swore i would never allow a man to treat me this way, yet here i am.
• i will listen to myself, for only i know what is best for me.
• i cannot fix another's problems or issues. only they can decide when they are ready and if they want to change.
• no relationship is worth it if you are left feeling worthless and questioning yourself.
• maybe i never lost sight of who i really am and what is important to me. maybe i was so busy trying to be someone else all along in order to be loved by the wrong person. never again. 
• i must follow my heart, not only in matters of love, but in everything i do. if i do not listen to my heart, i deny what is important for me and i lose sight of my values. 
• i cannot just tell my daughters or sons how to follow their dreams and not settle for anything less than what they deserve. i must also live by example so they have the courage to do the same.