living out loud

last night i went to hear Glennon Doyle from Momastery.com. i got a pre-print copy of her book Carry On, Warrior months ago. i was ecstatic to hear her speak on suffering and faith and healing. although our stories aren't all the same, i could relate to so many of them. for example, when i was age 7 (or so), my sister told me i was fat. maybe i never became bulimic, but i remember crying. she brought me a teddy bear. to this day i remember thinking, does she really think this changes things? i've since forgiven my sister, but i've come out of it learning i don't want gifts as a form of apology. it doesn't work for me.

as my very close friend and neighbor, Ariana, walked in to the church where Glennon was speaking, i was plotting my response to the email my husband had sent and i felt the need to respond, strongly. we found our seats and i started replying and as i found myself struggling to find the words i needed to repute what he was saying, Glennon said something about not to fight back. and it hit me! i stopped right then and there, deleted what i was working on and finished up with the email cordially and with no fighting. after all, i knew i was so tired of fighting, so why would i continue with this? so as ariana and i were sitting listening to Glennon finishing up her talk, i knew i wanted to say SOMETHING, during the Q & A... i just wasn't sure what. finally it came to me. i leaned over to Ariana and said, "I know what i want to say!" she said, "GO!" So i walked my sassy-self up there to the microphone, in my cream high healed wedges, cuffed skinny jeans, thin white sweater and light turquoise colored bracelet, heart racing and stood and waited. the pastor announced i would be the last one to comment. great, i thought, i better make this good! (FYI, this is not exactly what i said, but here's why i had to say something)

a year ago, i found myself a working, single mom of four. my husband had left for the second time that year. he left two more times last year and finally after Christmas, i told him not to come back anymore. so last spring, i came home from work and the grass was long. i got the lawn mower out and started mowing, in my work clothes, bare foot, because who has time to change shoes or clothes. i soon noticed my neighbor (ariana) walking down the street and kept thinking, maybe she won't come talk to me. maybe if i don't notice her, she won't stop! well, she DID stop. she had a few kids with her and asked me how i was. little did she know she was opening the flood gates. "i'm fine", i said, "my husband left (again) recently and i just have to get the lawn mowed." she said, "are you sure it's over?" and i said, "yes, i'm sure." the tears started flowing, her kids just sort of looked at me, this crazy lady, crying in her yard with her lawn mower and yard waste barrel sitting there. mind you, this was only my second time meeting these people! i had nothing else to offer but ME. the real live me. all the good, the bad and the ugly. and she and i bonded immediately. there was no turning back. my ugly story was out and by then, i figured i'd lost a chance at a friend (because who wants a train wreck for a friend?). i was worried i would not be fine. but i AM fine. but i have not ALWAYS been fine. i had my first son at 19 and was so scared telling my family. when i told my grandparents, it took me HOURS. literally! my grandpa looked around at all of us and said, "she's going to be fine. THEY are going to be fine." and i was. little did i know, that little, teary filled conversation opened up a friendship that was bigger than i ever imagined possible. the shallow friendship never existed. i showed her the real me from the start and there was no going back. our friendship had no place to go but deeper and i have realized she is like an angel to me. every body is put into our lives for a reason. after much of my life being told that i should watch what i say, that people don't want to hear about the bad stuff, that it makes them uncomfortable, i found out that actually, the opposite was true. that we could connect on a truer level than i ever thought possible if i just didn't hold back.

i wanted to thank Glennon for being brave and sharing her not-so-pretty stories because in my opinion, the not-so-pretty stories are better and more heartfelt than the perfect ones and that until i stumbled upon her blog and Facebook page, i was always editing who i was and what i said, for fear of offending someone. rest assured, i was crying right away, within the first 30 seconds of speaking and my eyes were dancing in my head and i felt like i couldn't see anything correctly. maybe it was fear for saying my truth because it would make people uncomfortable, maybe it was out of fear because i was speaking in front of a few hundred people. who knows. all i know is i ended by thanking her for being brave and sharing. i told her she inspired me to share who i am and to live out loud, to live with my arms wide open, saying "here i am." she clasped her hands together, put them to her heart and walked down to me to hug me, and as she did, she mouthed to me, "carry on, warrior." the whole place was clapping and standing. surreal.

i didn't mean to take her spotlight. i simply wanted to thank her for being an inspiration to me through a very difficult time. i shared how lonely it is to be sitting besides someone you adore and love, yet feel more lonely than if you were sitting there alone by yourself. she and her book, validated my belief that my desire and need to share my stories, pretty and not-so-pretty and everything in between, is alright because it helps me and also might just help someone else. her stories helped me to identify what i was feeling that was missing in my relationship with my husband...depth. what i loved so much was everyone feels and experiences life's greatest emotions the same, it's the details that are not the same. everyone experiences joy, love, pain, suffering, happiness. do the details really matter? it's the details that cause us to feel that we are lacking and thus, cause us to feel isolated and alone. the best, most wonderful thing that i have seen come out of this stage in my life is that when i felt most alone, confused and desperate for true relationships, my people came out of the woodwork. they lifted me up, supported me, helped me and loved me. for me. with all my messiness. PROOF that i am just as lovable messy as i am nice and neat and predictable. i can be who i am and still be loved.

all my life, i was known for sharing the stories no one wanted told about them. like the time my mom took me and my sisters on a canoe trip to the BWCA and we got stuck going through a shallow canal. my mom got up and stood on a rock and us three girls just sat there, looking up at her, when she said, "maybe if you got your fat asses out of the canoe, we wouldn't be stuck!" it's funny now and we can all laugh at it, but my mom feeling embarrassed, is an understatement as to how she felt when i first shared this story to her book group. let's just say, they still talk about it...in good humor of course. i also get told i'm too intense for most people, which is disheartening because my intensity, partnered with someone else's intensity (about something, not relationship-wise) would be a force to be reckoned with if given a chance.




my story is not a pretty one. it isn't easy, simple or so-called perfect. within my short 32 years, i have lived through more experiences than most will experience in a life time. i don't regret a single moment of it as this is my truth. i am not ashamed. i don't know why coming out of and living through a not-so-perfect life would be considered 'persevering through adversity' by some because for many, it's just been the life they were given and for those of us with a life like this, we don't know it any other way. although it has not been easy, i can say for certain, i would not have wanted it any other way. not for one second. i am emotional, intense, intelligent, loving, kind, fun, reserved, passionate and nurturing. i am a mom, a sister, aunt and friend. i want to continue to share my story out loud because for me, i've never felt freer than i do today.

playing the what if game

with any loss, it is only natural to think back and wonder about where you might be had you made different choices, certain concessions, or handled things differently.

some of my 'what if' questions are: what if i had been less independent? would that have helped? what if i had sent all the bills out on the day i say i'm going to, but i forgot because i'm just so busy? what if i didn't stand up for myself all those times i felt compelled to defend myself and my actions? what if i kept on pursuing him, instead of stopping so that i could see if he would pursue me instead (even in marriage)?  what if i had just initiated sex every night or every other night? would that have made things better? what if i hadn't wanted to go shopping with my mom/sister/friend that one day? what if i had bought him a birthday present instead of spending the day with the kids baking cakes for him and making dinner? what if i 'backed him up' when he tried to discipline the kids in a way i did not agree with? what if i didn't complain about his inability to pick up after himself or get himself organized? this list of questions could go on and on and on...

having been doing a lot of reflection, i think my biggest problem was that i allowed myself to give up the things that were important to me because of him or his comments; friends that he found a reason not to like; activities i enjoyed because he found some way to criticize them.   i wanted so badly for us to work out, i thought i should just back off a little from those friends and he will appreciate that and things will be better. yet it kept happening and happening. i can only hold myself responsible for allowing myself to play that game because to this day, i miss each of those friends, i miss participating in those hobbies or pursuing those interests. for example, I'd really like to do start going to meditation. a friend of the family leads it at a buddhist center on monday nights. he has invited me many times and my sister and mom have gone. when i mentioned it, he said, "what, so you're going to become Buddhist now?" REALLY?!  

over the course of our relationship and in thinking of those friendships lost, i have decided to try and re-connect with some of those people. of course there is always some kind of backlash when he finds out, because i feel i cannot just tell him that i've reached out. after all, do i really want to deal with his opinions of that person again??  yet i really want to have their friendship a part of my life. more times than not, when he 'finds out,' his reaction is the same and i feel compelled to defend myself. most times i end up feeling so guilty i decide it's probably not worth the hassle and it ends before it can even really start up again. my guilt is self-created and i'm not even sure why i have guilt about wanting friends. 

      When you have to start compromising yourself 

          or your morals for the people around you, 

     its probably time to change the people around you.

the realization i have come to with all of my what if questions is that the answer to all of them is no. even if i had done all those things (and then some), i don't feel we would have been better. i can honestly say they might have been better for him, but definitely worse for me and worse for the kids. the thing i have to remind myself is i DID do those things...well, i started doing those things because he expressed that those were important to him. i would have been making compromises that could not last because i did not agree. more over, i would have been compromising myself and my relationship with my children for the sake of a relationship with another adult, when i really feel that the two adults in the relationship should be working together to make compromises together so that the kids feel secure; so that both adults feel confident in being the other's support system instead of backing the other up even though it may not sit well with them. i cannot say how many times my heart broke for my kids because i didn't step up and say something. my withered relationships with my children is what is fueling this fire. i will not settle for anything but a strong mother-child relationship. 

there are always things worth making a compromise for in a relationship. compromise is something necessary for a healthy relationship and i simply believe that the things that one person enjoys should bring joy to the other and for that reason, it would not be something to need to sacrifice or give up or need to compromise for the happiness of the other. 

in your relationships (past or present), what are some of the things you feel are worth compromising on and what are some that are not an option for compromise?