some of my 'what if' questions are: what if i had been less independent? would that have helped? what if i had sent all the bills out on the day i say i'm going to, but i forgot because i'm just so busy? what if i didn't stand up for myself all those times i felt compelled to defend myself and my actions? what if i kept on pursuing him, instead of stopping so that i could see if he would pursue me instead (even in marriage)? what if i had just initiated sex every night or every other night? would that have made things better? what if i hadn't wanted to go shopping with my mom/sister/friend that one day? what if i had bought him a birthday present instead of spending the day with the kids baking cakes for him and making dinner? what if i 'backed him up' when he tried to discipline the kids in a way i did not agree with? what if i didn't complain about his inability to pick up after himself or get himself organized? this list of questions could go on and on and on...
having been doing a lot of reflection, i think my biggest problem was that i allowed myself to give up the things that were important to me because of him or his comments; friends that he found a reason not to like; activities i enjoyed because he found some way to criticize them. i wanted so badly for us to work out, i thought i should just back off a little from those friends and he will appreciate that and things will be better. yet it kept happening and happening. i can only hold myself responsible for allowing myself to play that game because to this day, i miss each of those friends, i miss participating in those hobbies or pursuing those interests. for example, I'd really like to do start going to meditation. a friend of the family leads it at a buddhist center on monday nights. he has invited me many times and my sister and mom have gone. when i mentioned it, he said, "what, so you're going to become Buddhist now?" REALLY?!
over the course of our relationship and in thinking of those friendships lost, i have decided to try and re-connect with some of those people. of course there is always some kind of backlash when he finds out, because i feel i cannot just tell him that i've reached out. after all, do i really want to deal with his opinions of that person again?? yet i really want to have their friendship a part of my life. more times than not, when he 'finds out,' his reaction is the same and i feel compelled to defend myself. most times i end up feeling so guilty i decide it's probably not worth the hassle and it ends before it can even really start up again. my guilt is self-created and i'm not even sure why i have guilt about wanting friends.
When you have to start compromising yourself
or your morals for the people around you,
its probably time to change the people around you.
the realization i have come to with all of my what if questions is that the answer to all of them is no. even if i had done all those things (and then some), i don't feel we would have been better. i can honestly say they might have been better for him, but definitely worse for me and worse for the kids. the thing i have to remind myself is i DID do those things...well, i started doing those things because he expressed that those were important to him. i would have been making compromises that could not last because i did not agree. more over, i would have been compromising myself and my relationship with my children for the sake of a relationship with another adult, when i really feel that the two adults in the relationship should be working together to make compromises together so that the kids feel secure; so that both adults feel confident in being the other's support system instead of backing the other up even though it may not sit well with them. i cannot say how many times my heart broke for my kids because i didn't step up and say something. my withered relationships with my children is what is fueling this fire. i will not settle for anything but a strong mother-child relationship.
there are always things worth making a compromise for in a relationship. compromise is something necessary for a healthy relationship and i simply believe that the things that one person enjoys should bring joy to the other and for that reason, it would not be something to need to sacrifice or give up or need to compromise for the happiness of the other.
in your relationships (past or present), what are some of the things you feel are worth compromising on and what are some that are not an option for compromise?
