fear is a mighty thing

here i thought we were actually doing something. something different. something unconventional. who do you talk to when you are divorced and trying to figure things out? who do you go to, if you're going to see a counselor? certainly not a marriage counselor. definitely not the one who is "pro-marriage." i like the thought of that one, but honestly, can they help a pro-marriage couple who seriously sucked at marriage but want to get it right but are divorced now? maybe the wounds run too deep. maybe the years of being made last and verbalizing those things have finally sunk in until it hits my blood and it runs through my veins to my heart, where i learn being put last isn't right. not worth it. the question remains why did i accept that kind of relationship? the kind where i felt i was not only the last priority but the one he never considered?

those girls he called from past relationships in hopes of achieving some kind of answer. the ones who had been molested, raped, sexually abused. the ones he wanted answers to for understanding parts of their relationships from a decade ago. he understands those. but me? the one he loved and married and had kids with? no grace. mine is an excuse. one i can't use to protect myself. i was raped. but it makes no difference now. i'm different in his eyes. i don't know how one can have standards or expectations for one, but not another.

through tears i admit to mistakes. i was not open throughout the divorce to hear him. to really truly hear him. but is divorce the right time to really and truly hear them? why not before? i want to know why i had to divorce him to get him to realize he could lose me. forever. i made mistakes. they are mine. i can live with them. i have forgiven myself for them. one thing i have learned is i am not my mistakes nor do they define me. the grace i gave all those days-weeks-months-years meant nothing. not one little thing. i finally say something to slow us down and it is over before it began. again. he left before it could get good. or bad. maybe it would get bad again. maybe it would be out of this world good. i have no idea. i took the risk. i took the chance. i don't believe that being broken is the way we were meant to be. i believe accepting brokenness as a way of being together is an excuse made out of fear. fear to drive away those that might just hurt you, but you don't really know. every day it is something you have to decide. to not let fear drive you. fear is debilitating. fear is mean, cold, devoid of reality.

fear is a mighty thing. i know. so is love. but, i lived in fear and it kept me from the thing i wanted more than anything. it kept me from seeing the change, the good, the love, the struggle to do right. i was afraid it would come back and repeat itself. rear its ugly, good for nothing head. so i loved. it didn't matter. because even with love and living in love and making that daily decision to trust that he would be different and do different and actually do the thing he promised...still fear prevailed. because of fear, i will never know what could be.

the thing you put energy into. the thing you feed...it grows. you give life to lifeless things. those things flourish. i refuse to feed the thing that doesn't even exist unless i let it.. he put his energy into his fear of it being just the same way as it was a few months before.

divorce isn't something any one really wants. it admits failure. without words, it admits pain, sadness, weakness, tears and anger, loss, grief, death of dreams. lost love. how does love just go by the wayside? isn't that something people should see and value and want to never go without? anxiety takes over and the future is unknown.

i am worth every second, every minute, every month that you put into me.

i am worth every dollar you choose to spend, but not only worth the amount you spent on me.

there is no unit of value when it comes to a person's worth. until you realize that, the $60 bouquet of flowers will always be only $60 that you spent on someone. until you realize that, the time it takes to plan a well-thought out, meaningful evening, will have little monetary value, but could be worth a million dollars.

whether you are the one who started the divorce or the one who got the notice, divorce really, really sucks.

falling apart or falling into place?

i can't even pretend anymore that i'm not having a hard time. it seems the kids are falling apart at the seams. if i didn't hear another whine in my life i would be forever grateful. that goes for fighting too. i try really hard to have patience with them, yet lately it is all i can do to keep from shutting myself in my room until tomorrow.

the imminent divorce that i hoped would never happen is happening. tuesday we go to (hopefully) finalize the whole thing and then i can really start to move forward and heal more and just be semi-normal with everything else. there's just so much on my mind right now that has yet to be dealt with that i'm trying really hard to not have anxiety over the whole thing. this is just about the hardest thing i have ever had to do. after months and months of trying and praying and hoping, i finally had to file for divorce in october. even then, there was some 'maybe this can still work out' times. as much as i know he doesn't want the divorce, i couldn't see a way that we could make it work. i feel like we are too broken, like a vase that is smashed into millions of shards of glass. it could happen, but would take years and years and YEARS of tedious work. i just couldn't anymore. my heart broke; i know i have to just look ahead to what is coming. i'm due for something great, really. it's only logical that after so many hard years and so much hardship, that greatness comes next.

but these kids. what do i even DO about them? it has been a tremendously long winter here in minnesota and it feels like we have been on top of each other all winter long. as i write, we are getting even more snow. really though i think it's the stress and the hardship this divorce has caused all of us. it makes me feel so bad, realizing the divorce that i filed for, could be causing so much pain in my sweet babies. i have to be honest with myself and not forget the pain i endured within my marriage and remember that they suffered from that, too. i keep telling myself that these kids just need to know they are safe, they are loved, they have what they need: warm house, good food, each other, their mom and other family and they still have their dad. they don't have to pick. sometimes they say, "i'm on mommy's side" and then the other will say, "i'm on daddy's side." and i just tell them, "you don't have to pick a side. you can love us both, we will always be your mommy and your daddy. and we both love you guys." SO HARD. they just don't need to feel so insecure about life. they are too little and precious. i don't know where they pick this stuff up from, but i sure know it's not me. the other day, my five year old told me he wanted to go into Johnny Test and go back to the future and make a new mommy who will buy them as many toys as they wanted and then replace me with his new mommy. (okay this was pretty funny actually).

it doesn't feel good though, to be so stressed that you can't even decide what shirt to put on. or to not realize what day it is five times in the same day that two minutes before you knew it was saturday. i don't want to feel like i've given up on things. it hurts like crazy to not have a whole family like it's been...the funny thing is we weren't even really complete. we were always apart. someone always seemed to be missing for one reason or another. and no family should function only when one person is not there. although i miss the whole family being together thing, i missed that before since it was never all of us all together. i only have four years until my oldest is off to college. i need to make the most of his last four years at home. i need to figure out what i'm going to do to sustain us. looking for a job in the midst of a divorce after being a stay at home mom for 5 years is a lot harder than i thought it would be. somehow my degree and experience just doesn't account for much after that long.

what i'm looking forward to is peace. calm. order. togetherness. planting my garden and watching it grow and harvesting it. at the same time, figuring out how to help my kids have peace and love during this whole thing. i want to paint and write and just be. while my patience is running short and i feel stretched beyond all possibility, i know i can do this. i know i will be okay and they will be, too. now if only to figure out how to start waking up before everyone else to have my coffee and sit in silence for a few moments each morning. . .

the calm after the storm

it's kind of funny how there really is a calm after the storm, where the sun comes out, the grass is greener, everything washed clean from the hard rain. through any destruction, there is a sense of hope and renewal. today was my calm after the storm.

this storm came to its peak last night, forceful and gray. i knew that once this storm hit, my life was really going to be different, there was not going to be another chance at this relationship. there was no storm center telling me to take cover, to prepare for all that could possibly happen with this storm. i felt like the people must have felt decades ago, when they only knew the storm was coming when they finally saw it approach, like in The Wizard of Oz. i tried so hard to be strong, to hold my ground and say the things i had rehearsed a million times in my head. i just wasn't prepared for the outcome. i thought maybe it was going to be one of those storms that looked worse than what actually happened. i was wrong. it was one of those storms you don't see coming, the ones that produce high winds and damaging hail, maybe even tears down the biggest trees in the neighborhood.

i saw last night that these storms were going to just keep on coming at me unless i made a decision. every storm weakened my foundation just a little more and i decided i wasn't going to let there be any more storms from this source who i feel should have been my biggest supporter and the one who lifted me up, not tore me down. some storms destroy us and some storms in life strengthen us. some enlighten us and lead us to new ventures.

this morning, the kids didn't even know that anything had happened last night. when my three year old woke up he asked where his daddy was (this is the first question out of his mouth every morning if his daddy isn't in our bed...usually that just means he's already up and working or has fallen asleep with the baby in the bottom bunk) and i said he left for work. he couldn't be fooled. he said, "no he didn't! I saw him here last night!" (three year olds are much more keen on life than we give them credit for!) although none of the children saw him moving stuff out or the tears on their mom's face, there was a calm in our house like never before. the kids were endearingly sweet to one another, they helped the younger ones and gave lots of hugs. the edge in my oldest's voice was gone when talking to his siblings. the house felt open, bright and peaceful, even though it was the same house where the storm had hit last night. maybe the calm after the storm comes because the worst has happened and we know there is a rainbow to come or maybe just a few raindrops, not more destruction.


i don't know what happens next. i wish i knew. i
wish i knew that i'd be able to keep the house, that my kids will adjust to their parent's new living arrangements. i wish i knew what the future holds for me. i know it's something great, it has to be. i'm excited to find out. i'm ready for the struggles that are sure to come as i figure everything out. i'm ready for anything because it surely cannot be any worse than it has been.

as i was laying on the couch last night, because i could not try to convince him for another second of who i am compared to how he sees me, i found myself repeating, "i AM worth it." i started to tear up because for some reason, it hurt to say that. i couldn't understand how saying those four positive little words could cause me pain. i continued to repeat those words and that tingly pain in my heart was washed away little by little until it no longer hurt and i knew what i needed to do. i've been working on my self-esteem and i think it's helping me to make decisions that are good for me. i AM worth it and no one will ever get in my head and cause me to believe anything different than what i know to be true.