falling apart or falling into place?

i can't even pretend anymore that i'm not having a hard time. it seems the kids are falling apart at the seams. if i didn't hear another whine in my life i would be forever grateful. that goes for fighting too. i try really hard to have patience with them, yet lately it is all i can do to keep from shutting myself in my room until tomorrow.

the imminent divorce that i hoped would never happen is happening. tuesday we go to (hopefully) finalize the whole thing and then i can really start to move forward and heal more and just be semi-normal with everything else. there's just so much on my mind right now that has yet to be dealt with that i'm trying really hard to not have anxiety over the whole thing. this is just about the hardest thing i have ever had to do. after months and months of trying and praying and hoping, i finally had to file for divorce in october. even then, there was some 'maybe this can still work out' times. as much as i know he doesn't want the divorce, i couldn't see a way that we could make it work. i feel like we are too broken, like a vase that is smashed into millions of shards of glass. it could happen, but would take years and years and YEARS of tedious work. i just couldn't anymore. my heart broke; i know i have to just look ahead to what is coming. i'm due for something great, really. it's only logical that after so many hard years and so much hardship, that greatness comes next.

but these kids. what do i even DO about them? it has been a tremendously long winter here in minnesota and it feels like we have been on top of each other all winter long. as i write, we are getting even more snow. really though i think it's the stress and the hardship this divorce has caused all of us. it makes me feel so bad, realizing the divorce that i filed for, could be causing so much pain in my sweet babies. i have to be honest with myself and not forget the pain i endured within my marriage and remember that they suffered from that, too. i keep telling myself that these kids just need to know they are safe, they are loved, they have what they need: warm house, good food, each other, their mom and other family and they still have their dad. they don't have to pick. sometimes they say, "i'm on mommy's side" and then the other will say, "i'm on daddy's side." and i just tell them, "you don't have to pick a side. you can love us both, we will always be your mommy and your daddy. and we both love you guys." SO HARD. they just don't need to feel so insecure about life. they are too little and precious. i don't know where they pick this stuff up from, but i sure know it's not me. the other day, my five year old told me he wanted to go into Johnny Test and go back to the future and make a new mommy who will buy them as many toys as they wanted and then replace me with his new mommy. (okay this was pretty funny actually).

it doesn't feel good though, to be so stressed that you can't even decide what shirt to put on. or to not realize what day it is five times in the same day that two minutes before you knew it was saturday. i don't want to feel like i've given up on things. it hurts like crazy to not have a whole family like it's been...the funny thing is we weren't even really complete. we were always apart. someone always seemed to be missing for one reason or another. and no family should function only when one person is not there. although i miss the whole family being together thing, i missed that before since it was never all of us all together. i only have four years until my oldest is off to college. i need to make the most of his last four years at home. i need to figure out what i'm going to do to sustain us. looking for a job in the midst of a divorce after being a stay at home mom for 5 years is a lot harder than i thought it would be. somehow my degree and experience just doesn't account for much after that long.

what i'm looking forward to is peace. calm. order. togetherness. planting my garden and watching it grow and harvesting it. at the same time, figuring out how to help my kids have peace and love during this whole thing. i want to paint and write and just be. while my patience is running short and i feel stretched beyond all possibility, i know i can do this. i know i will be okay and they will be, too. now if only to figure out how to start waking up before everyone else to have my coffee and sit in silence for a few moments each morning. . .

tears, advice & self-esteem

this last week has been a roller coaster ride. i'm not gonna lie. tuesday, wednesday and thursday i cried at the drop of a hat. anything that reminded me of my now ex-husband-who-literally-has-nothing-left-in-my-house, hit me hard. thursday i was supposed to go to a meeting, but i didn't go. my boss emailed me and called me and i didn't answer or reply. i just couldn't. i didn't know what to say or how to answer any questions she might have for me about work. she sent me a text asking if i was going to use PTO for thursday. my reply, i guess so. the worst happened friday night. i decided i'd go out with my sister and her friends, to have something to do. we were all sitting around, talking and having fun and all of a sudden my sister says to me, why are you crying? i didn't even realize it. i got up and sat in the bathroom for at least 45 minutes. i just wanted to go home, but it made me even sadder thinking that no one was at home anticipating my arrival. my sister's friend drove me home and i talked the whole way and he could relate as he just went through the end of his engagement...and every time i'd say something, he'd remind me, "and that's why he's not your partner. someone better is out there for you." on saturday, i laid at the pool and on the floaty in the pool. i was numb. i never just lay around, so this was good for me. i'm trying to give myself a break. 

i spent my afternoon today sorting through my dresser and closet, figuring out which clothes i was going to put in his (my) closet and what i'd use each dresser for. while i was doing all of this, i was thinking over the past week and all the words of advice i've received during this really difficult past week. just thinking about them and repeating them in my head gave me a lot of strength this week and i just wanted to share in case anyone else is out there who can benefit from them. they are simple, but important.

-Be strong. You are doing the right thing for you and the kids. (on questioning if divorce is really the right choice)

-If he'd been nice, you wouldn't be getting divorced. (on wondering why some people turn so mean)

-That's the way it goes. Crying is healing. (on me crying all the time & while out having fun)

-Remain cordial. Don't get into arguments. (on minimizing interaction)

-Hold your head up high. Make up your mind this is the right thing to do and don't look back. (on doubting the decision)

-Don't let the kids get in the middle of anything. (on keeping it between him and i)

-Hang in there! You will be better without him!  (on feeling weak)

a couple of weeks ago, when my counselor gave me a self-esteem evaluation tool to me, i thought to myself, "i'm confident, i know what i want out of life...but we all have things we need to work on so i'll just take a look." when i read it for the first time, i was amazed to see some of the items on there that are connected to self-esteem. that whole, he's breaking you down to help himself feel better thing? yep...#9: I treat others with respect and dignity. Seeing that one has helped me tremendously to realize it wasn't me all the time. Some i had no idea about though, like being kind to myself, making decisions, valuing my own feelings, being able to learn something from each moment of the day. i could go on and on. there is so much for me to work on, even if i give myself a 4 or 5 today on any given statement, tomorrow it could be a 2. i've already learned self-esteem doesn't just happen. it is a constant process of looking at ourselves honestly, kindly and openly so we can know where we are falling short in loving and accepting ourselves before we can truly love another person unconditionally and accept them for who they are where they are right now and not try to change them. 

EVERYONE has advice on how you know you're ready to move on. in the middle of cleaning, i said to my sister, "i don't think i really care about what he's doing anymore." she laughed and said, "elsa, you just said you don't want to picture him with someone else, even though you're glad it won't be you." someone once told her that she would know that she had healed from her relationship and divorce when her ex-husband's name or image came into her mind and she could say she honestly had no feeling one way or another about him. someone else told me there's some little formula for the time you need to give yourself, like so many months for every year you were married. i'm not even sure about that one. i've just decided that i'm in no hurry. i have plenty to learn about myself and plenty i need to do in order to be the best me possible. i still have a long way to go because i'm not perfect. i've made mistakes and i need to accept them and forgive myself for them so i can be free of them. i want to be able to have solid 4s and 5s on my self-esteem statements. sounds silly, but it's something concrete where i can measure my success and a way to gently remind myself that there is always a way to do better for myself without defending or explaining why. 

     It is better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret. ~Jackie Joyner-Kersee

the calm after the storm

it's kind of funny how there really is a calm after the storm, where the sun comes out, the grass is greener, everything washed clean from the hard rain. through any destruction, there is a sense of hope and renewal. today was my calm after the storm.

this storm came to its peak last night, forceful and gray. i knew that once this storm hit, my life was really going to be different, there was not going to be another chance at this relationship. there was no storm center telling me to take cover, to prepare for all that could possibly happen with this storm. i felt like the people must have felt decades ago, when they only knew the storm was coming when they finally saw it approach, like in The Wizard of Oz. i tried so hard to be strong, to hold my ground and say the things i had rehearsed a million times in my head. i just wasn't prepared for the outcome. i thought maybe it was going to be one of those storms that looked worse than what actually happened. i was wrong. it was one of those storms you don't see coming, the ones that produce high winds and damaging hail, maybe even tears down the biggest trees in the neighborhood.

i saw last night that these storms were going to just keep on coming at me unless i made a decision. every storm weakened my foundation just a little more and i decided i wasn't going to let there be any more storms from this source who i feel should have been my biggest supporter and the one who lifted me up, not tore me down. some storms destroy us and some storms in life strengthen us. some enlighten us and lead us to new ventures.

this morning, the kids didn't even know that anything had happened last night. when my three year old woke up he asked where his daddy was (this is the first question out of his mouth every morning if his daddy isn't in our bed...usually that just means he's already up and working or has fallen asleep with the baby in the bottom bunk) and i said he left for work. he couldn't be fooled. he said, "no he didn't! I saw him here last night!" (three year olds are much more keen on life than we give them credit for!) although none of the children saw him moving stuff out or the tears on their mom's face, there was a calm in our house like never before. the kids were endearingly sweet to one another, they helped the younger ones and gave lots of hugs. the edge in my oldest's voice was gone when talking to his siblings. the house felt open, bright and peaceful, even though it was the same house where the storm had hit last night. maybe the calm after the storm comes because the worst has happened and we know there is a rainbow to come or maybe just a few raindrops, not more destruction.


i don't know what happens next. i wish i knew. i
wish i knew that i'd be able to keep the house, that my kids will adjust to their parent's new living arrangements. i wish i knew what the future holds for me. i know it's something great, it has to be. i'm excited to find out. i'm ready for the struggles that are sure to come as i figure everything out. i'm ready for anything because it surely cannot be any worse than it has been.

as i was laying on the couch last night, because i could not try to convince him for another second of who i am compared to how he sees me, i found myself repeating, "i AM worth it." i started to tear up because for some reason, it hurt to say that. i couldn't understand how saying those four positive little words could cause me pain. i continued to repeat those words and that tingly pain in my heart was washed away little by little until it no longer hurt and i knew what i needed to do. i've been working on my self-esteem and i think it's helping me to make decisions that are good for me. i AM worth it and no one will ever get in my head and cause me to believe anything different than what i know to be true.