falling apart or falling into place?

i can't even pretend anymore that i'm not having a hard time. it seems the kids are falling apart at the seams. if i didn't hear another whine in my life i would be forever grateful. that goes for fighting too. i try really hard to have patience with them, yet lately it is all i can do to keep from shutting myself in my room until tomorrow.

the imminent divorce that i hoped would never happen is happening. tuesday we go to (hopefully) finalize the whole thing and then i can really start to move forward and heal more and just be semi-normal with everything else. there's just so much on my mind right now that has yet to be dealt with that i'm trying really hard to not have anxiety over the whole thing. this is just about the hardest thing i have ever had to do. after months and months of trying and praying and hoping, i finally had to file for divorce in october. even then, there was some 'maybe this can still work out' times. as much as i know he doesn't want the divorce, i couldn't see a way that we could make it work. i feel like we are too broken, like a vase that is smashed into millions of shards of glass. it could happen, but would take years and years and YEARS of tedious work. i just couldn't anymore. my heart broke; i know i have to just look ahead to what is coming. i'm due for something great, really. it's only logical that after so many hard years and so much hardship, that greatness comes next.

but these kids. what do i even DO about them? it has been a tremendously long winter here in minnesota and it feels like we have been on top of each other all winter long. as i write, we are getting even more snow. really though i think it's the stress and the hardship this divorce has caused all of us. it makes me feel so bad, realizing the divorce that i filed for, could be causing so much pain in my sweet babies. i have to be honest with myself and not forget the pain i endured within my marriage and remember that they suffered from that, too. i keep telling myself that these kids just need to know they are safe, they are loved, they have what they need: warm house, good food, each other, their mom and other family and they still have their dad. they don't have to pick. sometimes they say, "i'm on mommy's side" and then the other will say, "i'm on daddy's side." and i just tell them, "you don't have to pick a side. you can love us both, we will always be your mommy and your daddy. and we both love you guys." SO HARD. they just don't need to feel so insecure about life. they are too little and precious. i don't know where they pick this stuff up from, but i sure know it's not me. the other day, my five year old told me he wanted to go into Johnny Test and go back to the future and make a new mommy who will buy them as many toys as they wanted and then replace me with his new mommy. (okay this was pretty funny actually).

it doesn't feel good though, to be so stressed that you can't even decide what shirt to put on. or to not realize what day it is five times in the same day that two minutes before you knew it was saturday. i don't want to feel like i've given up on things. it hurts like crazy to not have a whole family like it's been...the funny thing is we weren't even really complete. we were always apart. someone always seemed to be missing for one reason or another. and no family should function only when one person is not there. although i miss the whole family being together thing, i missed that before since it was never all of us all together. i only have four years until my oldest is off to college. i need to make the most of his last four years at home. i need to figure out what i'm going to do to sustain us. looking for a job in the midst of a divorce after being a stay at home mom for 5 years is a lot harder than i thought it would be. somehow my degree and experience just doesn't account for much after that long.

what i'm looking forward to is peace. calm. order. togetherness. planting my garden and watching it grow and harvesting it. at the same time, figuring out how to help my kids have peace and love during this whole thing. i want to paint and write and just be. while my patience is running short and i feel stretched beyond all possibility, i know i can do this. i know i will be okay and they will be, too. now if only to figure out how to start waking up before everyone else to have my coffee and sit in silence for a few moments each morning. . .

when things fall apart

i really prayed it wouldn't come to this. it only took a week and a half before my renewed happiness within my marriage and with my husband came crashing down. after the 4th of July, it all fell apart. there has been no recovery of what i thought we had once again found. the only thing that was discovered was that my husband would rather ridicule and humiliate me in public and make plans to hang out with his friends. i was taking our new journey moving forward seriously, while it seems as though it was all for not. i feel more hurt and sad about this now than i did before. i thought we were starting with a new beginning of sorts, ready to move on and not look back. i thought we were truly recommitted to making our marriage last. he said he'd call one of the other husbands if he needed guidance or help. lie. he made me feel like we knew it would take time, real time, to rebuild our relationship. i feel so duped, it makes me sick to my stomach, but i have no choice but accept what is obvious. neither one of us wants to just admit the relationship is over, yet it is. a marriage like this cannot be saved.

where do i go from here? i feel like i am in limbo, not sure if i should go up or down, right or left. just sort of left floating somewhere in the middle between here and there, trying to find my way out of the darkness and confusion. as much as i want answers and to have it all figured out RIGHT NOW (because that's how i am), i'm reminding myself to try and relax and focus on what is important right now...taking care of my kids and myself. they need me to be strong and help them to understand what is going on. i want to be as honest and open with them as possible so that we can talk about how they are feeling and i can help them to adjust as well as possible.

there are moments i want to lay down and not get up. no one wants to be twice divorced with four kids. i feel like a total failure. i want to run away and disappear into the world unknown and not deal with any of this because maybe it will be easier and he can deal with picking up the pieces for once, have him comforting them because they want me, but alas, i am not there. maybe i'm working or maybe i'm on a trip. who knows. he'd have to figure it out and make a plan, just as i did for so many months. i can't though, because as any mom knows, you do not just abandon your children.

there are also many moments i am more motivated than ever to make that appointment to meet with an advisor at the University to plan out what i need to do to get into the program i want. i am motivated to create a happy home and make new memories with my children; to have the life i've always dreamed of. a dream home is not a large, beautiful home with brand new everything. a dream home is the home i create for my children, where we make memories, live happily and enjoy a peaceful, loving place to call home. maybe some day i'll look for love again, but for now, i'm good. i have a full plate taking care of myself and loving my four sweet children. i want to be me and no one else for another second in my life. i am ready to accept i that i have to take some responsibility for my marriage unraveling and i want to learn from this so that when i am ready, i do not repeat the same mistakes.

things i have learned: 

• i never will allow another person make me feel so small, weak and unimportant. i am a person who deserves respect, love and acceptance. i always swore i would never allow a man to treat me this way, yet here i am.
• i will listen to myself, for only i know what is best for me.
• i cannot fix another's problems or issues. only they can decide when they are ready and if they want to change.
• no relationship is worth it if you are left feeling worthless and questioning yourself.
• maybe i never lost sight of who i really am and what is important to me. maybe i was so busy trying to be someone else all along in order to be loved by the wrong person. never again. 
• i must follow my heart, not only in matters of love, but in everything i do. if i do not listen to my heart, i deny what is important for me and i lose sight of my values. 
• i cannot just tell my daughters or sons how to follow their dreams and not settle for anything less than what they deserve. i must also live by example so they have the courage to do the same.