i really prayed it wouldn't come to this. it only took a week and a half before my renewed happiness within my marriage and with my husband came crashing down. after the 4th of July, it all fell apart. there has been no recovery of what i thought we had once again found. the only thing that was discovered was that my husband would rather ridicule and humiliate me in public and make plans to hang out with his friends. i was taking our new journey moving forward seriously, while it seems as though it was all for not. i feel more hurt and sad about this now than i did before. i thought we were starting with a new beginning of sorts, ready to move on and not look back. i thought we were truly recommitted to making our marriage last. he said he'd call one of the other husbands if he needed guidance or help. lie. he made me feel like we knew it would take time, real time, to rebuild our relationship. i feel so duped, it makes me sick to my stomach, but i have no choice but accept what is obvious. neither one of us wants to just admit the relationship is over, yet it is. a marriage like this cannot be saved.where do i go from here? i feel like i am in limbo, not sure if i should go up or down, right or left. just sort of left floating somewhere in the middle between here and there, trying to find my way out of the darkness and confusion. as much as i want answers and to have it all figured out RIGHT NOW (because that's how i am), i'm reminding myself to try and relax and focus on what is important right now...taking care of my kids and myself. they need me to be strong and help them to understand what is going on. i want to be as honest and open with them as possible so that we can talk about how they are feeling and i can help them to adjust as well as possible.
there are moments i want to lay down and not get up. no one wants to be twice divorced with four kids. i feel like a total failure. i want to run away and disappear into the world unknown and not deal with any of this because maybe it will be easier and he can deal with picking up the pieces for once, have him comforting them because they want me, but alas, i am not there. maybe i'm working or maybe i'm on a trip. who knows. he'd have to figure it out and make a plan, just as i did for so many months. i can't though, because as any mom knows, you do not just abandon your children.
there are also many moments i am more motivated than ever to make that appointment to meet with an advisor at the University to plan out what i need to do to get into the program i want. i am motivated to create a happy home and make new memories with my children; to have the life i've always dreamed of. a dream home is not a large, beautiful home with brand new everything. a dream home is the home i create for my children, where we make memories, live happily and enjoy a peaceful, loving place to call home. maybe some day i'll look for love again, but for now, i'm good. i have a full plate taking care of myself and loving my four sweet children. i want to be me and no one else for another second in my life. i am ready to accept i that i have to take some responsibility for my marriage unraveling and i want to learn from this so that when i am ready, i do not repeat the same mistakes.things i have learned:
- i never will allow another person make me feel so small, weak and unimportant. i am a person who deserves respect, love and acceptance. i always swore i would never allow a man to treat me this way, yet here i am.
- i will listen to myself, for only i know what is best for me.
- i cannot fix another's problems or issues. only they can decide when they are ready and if they want to change.
- no relationship is worth it if you are left feeling worthless and questioning yourself.
- maybe i never lost sight of who i really am and what is important to me. maybe i was so busy trying to be someone else all along in order to be loved by the wrong person. never again.
- i must follow my heart, not only in matters of love, but in everything i do. if i do not listen to my heart, i deny what is important for me and i lose sight of my values.
- i cannot just tell my daughters or sons how to follow their dreams and not settle for anything less than what they deserve. i must also live by example so they have the courage to do the same.
