falling apart or falling into place?

i can't even pretend anymore that i'm not having a hard time. it seems the kids are falling apart at the seams. if i didn't hear another whine in my life i would be forever grateful. that goes for fighting too. i try really hard to have patience with them, yet lately it is all i can do to keep from shutting myself in my room until tomorrow.

the imminent divorce that i hoped would never happen is happening. tuesday we go to (hopefully) finalize the whole thing and then i can really start to move forward and heal more and just be semi-normal with everything else. there's just so much on my mind right now that has yet to be dealt with that i'm trying really hard to not have anxiety over the whole thing. this is just about the hardest thing i have ever had to do. after months and months of trying and praying and hoping, i finally had to file for divorce in october. even then, there was some 'maybe this can still work out' times. as much as i know he doesn't want the divorce, i couldn't see a way that we could make it work. i feel like we are too broken, like a vase that is smashed into millions of shards of glass. it could happen, but would take years and years and YEARS of tedious work. i just couldn't anymore. my heart broke; i know i have to just look ahead to what is coming. i'm due for something great, really. it's only logical that after so many hard years and so much hardship, that greatness comes next.

but these kids. what do i even DO about them? it has been a tremendously long winter here in minnesota and it feels like we have been on top of each other all winter long. as i write, we are getting even more snow. really though i think it's the stress and the hardship this divorce has caused all of us. it makes me feel so bad, realizing the divorce that i filed for, could be causing so much pain in my sweet babies. i have to be honest with myself and not forget the pain i endured within my marriage and remember that they suffered from that, too. i keep telling myself that these kids just need to know they are safe, they are loved, they have what they need: warm house, good food, each other, their mom and other family and they still have their dad. they don't have to pick. sometimes they say, "i'm on mommy's side" and then the other will say, "i'm on daddy's side." and i just tell them, "you don't have to pick a side. you can love us both, we will always be your mommy and your daddy. and we both love you guys." SO HARD. they just don't need to feel so insecure about life. they are too little and precious. i don't know where they pick this stuff up from, but i sure know it's not me. the other day, my five year old told me he wanted to go into Johnny Test and go back to the future and make a new mommy who will buy them as many toys as they wanted and then replace me with his new mommy. (okay this was pretty funny actually).

it doesn't feel good though, to be so stressed that you can't even decide what shirt to put on. or to not realize what day it is five times in the same day that two minutes before you knew it was saturday. i don't want to feel like i've given up on things. it hurts like crazy to not have a whole family like it's been...the funny thing is we weren't even really complete. we were always apart. someone always seemed to be missing for one reason or another. and no family should function only when one person is not there. although i miss the whole family being together thing, i missed that before since it was never all of us all together. i only have four years until my oldest is off to college. i need to make the most of his last four years at home. i need to figure out what i'm going to do to sustain us. looking for a job in the midst of a divorce after being a stay at home mom for 5 years is a lot harder than i thought it would be. somehow my degree and experience just doesn't account for much after that long.

what i'm looking forward to is peace. calm. order. togetherness. planting my garden and watching it grow and harvesting it. at the same time, figuring out how to help my kids have peace and love during this whole thing. i want to paint and write and just be. while my patience is running short and i feel stretched beyond all possibility, i know i can do this. i know i will be okay and they will be, too. now if only to figure out how to start waking up before everyone else to have my coffee and sit in silence for a few moments each morning. . .

progress!

last summer, my (ex) husband and i split up (for the third time that year). i was pretty convinced i couldn't wouldn't get on that roller coaster any more. every time was more confusing than the last. i got tired of trying to pick up the pieces, explaining why daddy wasn't sleeping at our house, where he was or why they were sleeping somewhere else that weekend. i was ready (i thought) to be done with the whole thing because it was just too painful.

i felt invaluable. i felt disposable. i felt unlovable. i felt like what i did (still do) for our family was such important work and i didn't get why or how he couldn't also see the value in what i do. i felt like the what if's in my head were going to make me crazy! friends kept telling me that no matter what i did, it wasn't right. that it seemed i was in a lose-lose situation. my heart felt like it was being squeezed and stabbed with a sharp knife at the same time. i felt like a little bit of me was dying every day, like a flower losing its petals.

the first weekend he had our two kids, my daughter was at her dad's. my son was with friends for the weekend. since i was free and my sister had plans to go see a band that was playing at a local place, i invited myself to go along. i got all ready, felt like i looked really good and i was ready to do something social.

so there we were, sitting in the bar, having a drink. i look up at my sister and she mouths to me, "why are you crying?" i stood up quickly (because i hadn't even realized i was crying...haha...i can laugh about it now), walked my 'i look really good' walk to the bathroom and locked myself in the stall and cried. for forty-five minutes. my sister would come in and ask me if i was okay and i'd say, "yes, go away." so totally unexpected. by the time i finally emerged from the bathroom, i think every woman in the place knew it was me who was compromising the bathroom stall for almost an hour crying her eyes out. so pitiful. my sister's friend had to drive me home because the tears didn't stop. i told him out of embarrassment, "i'm sorry, i'm just having a really hard time." i went home and slept in the cute nightie i bought to wear for my husband (because that's what you do after you spend the night crying your eyes out in the bathroom at the bar).

the next day, i woke up and made myself eggs with tomatoes from the garden, topped with avocado. drank my coffee in silence. i had heard about sitting with the silence, sitting with my feelings of being alone. it was the strangest feeling, to be able to wake up on my own, make my breakfast and eat it before it got cold, drink my coffee at my own speed, before it got cold. i thought about my disastrous night and realized that the reason i cried was that for the first time in a very long time, no one was at home waiting up for me, expecting me to return. there wasn't a single person who needed me that night. it was such a different feeling than just being out, knowing everyone will be there and life continues on. i knew they needed me but not in the instantaneous way it usually was. it was a very empty feeling.
we got back together after a few weeks, but it turned right back to the way things usually were pretty soon after. with him working out of town so much, i started asking for more help from others. i started letting myself think, feel and really be honest with myself about this whole thing. no one wants a divorce. it's nothing people think about when they get married or are married. for some people, sometimes things just happen one day and it's enough to almost kill them. me...i just learned how to cope a little bit better over time. the kids still go with him, but i'm at a better place now. i'm okay just sitting with these feelings, learning how to feel and know what it is i'm feeling. it's still lonely a lot of times, especially because i am SO used to my little people helping to fill my time up and decide what we do each day. i try to tell my friend who is going through a divorce that it will get easier. better. the tears will stop. it won't hurt so bad. the problem is, you just have no clue when that day is going to come.

in hindsight it is kind of crazy that i was such a wreck. now i have no problem with saying good bye to him. i'll go see a movie by myself or i reach out and make plans so i can enjoy my time. there is definitely a sense of freedom and lightness. honestly, it feels really, really, good now. life really does start the moment you decide to change it. not calling him and begging him to work on things this time around has been the hardest thing i've ever had to do. i just know i will not keep doing this. i do love him and i do miss him, but not the him that was in a relationship with. i miss the idea of him and i. i can differentiate that now. thank God. my freedom is coming and looking back almost 9 months ago, i see i have made such huge progress. i love myself. i value myself. i love all the great unknowns that are on their way. i can keep doing better. i no longer allow my worth be determined by someone else. i do the things i love because they make me feel happy and fulfilled. i do not worry other's perception about the things that make me happy. i make time to do what makes me feel good and spend time with people who care. i almost forgot that one...i used to feel so uncared for. i thought i would be so alone, but the reality is, i feel more cared about than i had in way too long. i see people loving me and caring about me just as i am and that is beautiful.

question: what do you do so that you can see progress, especially that which can be hard to measure? how do you stay focused on making this kind of progress? 

thank you for reading!

today i am feeling hopeful

it's no secret that my husband and i have been struggling. out of respect for us both and the fact that i'm trying to put a new foot forward in our relationship, i won't get into the messy details, except to say everyone says communication is key. we tried many different ways of communicating, with no real gains, and i felt like it was better not to speak because he wasn't listening anyway. many people knew we were going to Retrouvaille last weekend and i have been so busy trying to find time to work, catch up with the kids, keep up with the house, and not to mention my husband, but to also make time for 'dialoging' (more about that later) that i am finally able to share a little bit about where we are now.

it's now been 4 days since we finished 'our weekend' through the retrouvaille program. there's a certain kind of irony about this program. we were ready to file for divorce when we signed up for the program. when i walked into the hotel where we stayed for the weekend with twenty-two other couples in very similar situations, i was so nervous and doubtful that this would ever be able to help us. both of us had such long lists of what we wanted addressed and i just thought there would not be enough time in a day, let alone three days, to get us through any part of our lists. as i noticed other couples checking in, we all nervously made eye contact with eachother and were grateful for the short time we had in our rooms before going down to the conference room.

i am not going to give too many details about the program because if i were to try and put all that we did in a nutshell, it would not do the program any justice, but here are the basics. there were twenty-two couples from all over the area. there were three couples who acted as 'presenters' during the weekend, sharing their stories of how they returned to love after much hurt, despair and misery in their marriages, and (in our case) there was a Catholic priest (one of the most amazing priests i've met). all three couples and the priest related thevarious parts of the retrouvaille program to their own relationships. (on a side note, the priest did a wonderful job really looking at himself and how he went through the four stages of marriage being married to the Church). anyway, throughout the weekend and as the program intensified, we learned more about the couples presenting and how their experience with Retrouvaille's program helped them through. after a presentation, either the husband or wife would go up to their room and write a short piece to their husband/wife (after receiving the directions after presentation). we focused on learning how to share our feelings with one another, without needing to explain or judge or defend ourselves or our actions. that was the main focus of the weekend. one of the presenting couples said was, "You aren't working on resolving your problems, but as you get better at understanding your spouse, those problems will seemingly melt away." and i am here to say, they did. not all of them and not completely, but we are at a much better place.

the dialogue's purpose is to get to a mutual understanding. we will always work on this piece of the program, as it will never go away. that is the part where we learn to respectfully share what we are feeling, without the need to ask why, how, or judging that the other shouldn't feel a certain way. thinking back to high school, we were always taught to debate, to defend our position on a topic in position papers, so i think it's only natural that we want to defend ourselves from what feels like an accusation or an attack of our character, but there was none of that. some things are easier to dialogue about and some are more difficult to find the right word, but digging deep and learning this technique has provided us an unimaginable relief.

the transformation of the couples over the weekend was fascinating. on friday night at 7 p.m. walking into the conference room, we all sat in the equally spaced chairs, next to our spouse, in silence, or exchanging very light remarks. i think that they call that 'stubborn silence.' when we heard there would be no group discussions or sharing by taking turns, i'm pretty sure i heard a unanimous sigh of relief! saturday morning, we all dragged ourselves down for breakfast and there was a notable change in the atmosphere. we were all exhausted emotionally, and of course from the sleep you get when you go to bed too late and wake up too early, but there was less silence. couples were talking a little more, asking if the other wanted coffee or needed anything. my husband felt hungover, without the help of any alcohol, and one lady said she felt like she'd been hit by a truck (i agreed). saturday was a long, long, LONG day, filled with an enormous amount of progress. after each session, couples would come back from their rooms and i noticed husbands rubbing their wives backs, the chairs got closer and formed pairs, rather than rows of equally spaced chairs. by the end of saturday, we were given a chance to share anything we wanted. some chose to say a few words, but most did not. the ones that did say something cried a little from the sheer hope of saving their relationship, from the possibility of having their husband or wife "back." all this in a an evening and a long day and for many, it came after being served divorce papers.  bedtime was late again, but we all came to breakfast on sunday morning, feeling equally exhausted, but ready for anything because there was renewed sense of hope and love in how we felt towards our spouses and our marriages. by the end of sunday, we were asked to share again, as someone in the room might be able to benefit from what we might say. once again, our chairs were coupled up, knowing smiles were shared between spouses and love was abundant in the room.

for the next six saturdays, we will be joining this same group of couples for follow up, or post sessions. there was a great relief knowing we all knew that we didn't have to pretend to have it all together, as we do with other friends or family. everyone was there for the same reason at some level or another. friendships were formed and hopefully we can all find couples with whom we can share time with later on, to be not only friends with, but to act as a support system for eachother. there's no couple that doesn't have issues at one point or another, it's what you decide to do with those troubles that determine where you will end up.

i choose not to use the word "blessed" very often, but after this weekend, i feel blessed to have the opportunity to be married to a husband who isn't giving up on our marriage, who is commited to learning a new way with me. hopefully our children can learn this new way of sharing feelings too, so that when they are older, no one can ever tell them they don't know how to communicate effectively! here's an example of how well it can work: my six year old was missing me very much after being with grandma for a week and a half. when i dropped her off last thursday after swimming lessons, she cried, wanted to come with me but wanted to stay. she was feeling very conflicted. so when we returned, she was curious what we had done, so since she brought it up over and over leading up to this dialogue, saying things like, "mommy i was so sad, i cried myself asleep." or "mommy i was so sad, even grandma couldn't help me." i walked her through the dialogue technique to understand how she felt that thursday night. she gave it a '10' on a scale of 1-10. so i said, "so you felt like i had died and wasn't coming back?" (i was reflecting how a 10 might feel to me to understand her level of sadness). she laughed and said, "ok, maybe a 7." so i asked her what color her feeling of sadness felt like. she said, "greenish brown, like the mississippi river."  then that was enough and she got up smiling, where as prior to that, she wouldn't leave my lap. she was happy and seemed felt understood and let me know she thought i understood her, too. it hasn't come up again.

right now, i'd give my feeling about my future with my husband a big, huge 10. it might change and they warned us it might if we were feeling super hopeful. however, i really hope it doesn't change too much and that with all of these tools we have been given and the ones we will be given in the coming weeks, that we will be able to be a part of the 70% success rate of this program.

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