progress!

last summer, my (ex) husband and i split up (for the third time that year). i was pretty convinced i couldn't wouldn't get on that roller coaster any more. every time was more confusing than the last. i got tired of trying to pick up the pieces, explaining why daddy wasn't sleeping at our house, where he was or why they were sleeping somewhere else that weekend. i was ready (i thought) to be done with the whole thing because it was just too painful.

i felt invaluable. i felt disposable. i felt unlovable. i felt like what i did (still do) for our family was such important work and i didn't get why or how he couldn't also see the value in what i do. i felt like the what if's in my head were going to make me crazy! friends kept telling me that no matter what i did, it wasn't right. that it seemed i was in a lose-lose situation. my heart felt like it was being squeezed and stabbed with a sharp knife at the same time. i felt like a little bit of me was dying every day, like a flower losing its petals.

the first weekend he had our two kids, my daughter was at her dad's. my son was with friends for the weekend. since i was free and my sister had plans to go see a band that was playing at a local place, i invited myself to go along. i got all ready, felt like i looked really good and i was ready to do something social.

so there we were, sitting in the bar, having a drink. i look up at my sister and she mouths to me, "why are you crying?" i stood up quickly (because i hadn't even realized i was crying...haha...i can laugh about it now), walked my 'i look really good' walk to the bathroom and locked myself in the stall and cried. for forty-five minutes. my sister would come in and ask me if i was okay and i'd say, "yes, go away." so totally unexpected. by the time i finally emerged from the bathroom, i think every woman in the place knew it was me who was compromising the bathroom stall for almost an hour crying her eyes out. so pitiful. my sister's friend had to drive me home because the tears didn't stop. i told him out of embarrassment, "i'm sorry, i'm just having a really hard time." i went home and slept in the cute nightie i bought to wear for my husband (because that's what you do after you spend the night crying your eyes out in the bathroom at the bar).

the next day, i woke up and made myself eggs with tomatoes from the garden, topped with avocado. drank my coffee in silence. i had heard about sitting with the silence, sitting with my feelings of being alone. it was the strangest feeling, to be able to wake up on my own, make my breakfast and eat it before it got cold, drink my coffee at my own speed, before it got cold. i thought about my disastrous night and realized that the reason i cried was that for the first time in a very long time, no one was at home waiting up for me, expecting me to return. there wasn't a single person who needed me that night. it was such a different feeling than just being out, knowing everyone will be there and life continues on. i knew they needed me but not in the instantaneous way it usually was. it was a very empty feeling.
we got back together after a few weeks, but it turned right back to the way things usually were pretty soon after. with him working out of town so much, i started asking for more help from others. i started letting myself think, feel and really be honest with myself about this whole thing. no one wants a divorce. it's nothing people think about when they get married or are married. for some people, sometimes things just happen one day and it's enough to almost kill them. me...i just learned how to cope a little bit better over time. the kids still go with him, but i'm at a better place now. i'm okay just sitting with these feelings, learning how to feel and know what it is i'm feeling. it's still lonely a lot of times, especially because i am SO used to my little people helping to fill my time up and decide what we do each day. i try to tell my friend who is going through a divorce that it will get easier. better. the tears will stop. it won't hurt so bad. the problem is, you just have no clue when that day is going to come.

in hindsight it is kind of crazy that i was such a wreck. now i have no problem with saying good bye to him. i'll go see a movie by myself or i reach out and make plans so i can enjoy my time. there is definitely a sense of freedom and lightness. honestly, it feels really, really, good now. life really does start the moment you decide to change it. not calling him and begging him to work on things this time around has been the hardest thing i've ever had to do. i just know i will not keep doing this. i do love him and i do miss him, but not the him that was in a relationship with. i miss the idea of him and i. i can differentiate that now. thank God. my freedom is coming and looking back almost 9 months ago, i see i have made such huge progress. i love myself. i value myself. i love all the great unknowns that are on their way. i can keep doing better. i no longer allow my worth be determined by someone else. i do the things i love because they make me feel happy and fulfilled. i do not worry other's perception about the things that make me happy. i make time to do what makes me feel good and spend time with people who care. i almost forgot that one...i used to feel so uncared for. i thought i would be so alone, but the reality is, i feel more cared about than i had in way too long. i see people loving me and caring about me just as i am and that is beautiful.

question: what do you do so that you can see progress, especially that which can be hard to measure? how do you stay focused on making this kind of progress? 

thank you for reading!

letting go

i recently read that insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results.

i think i am insane.

well i sure hope i'm not, but if that is the definition, i might be close. i kept hoping things would be different "this time," yet each time he'd come back, we'd fall into the same pattern. sometimes it would take a few months, but most recently (although he hadn't moved back), it only took a couple weeks. this is even after i made it clear that we NEEDED a plan. a plan! yes, we would not continue making the same mistakes, repeating history, beating a dead horse.

let's just say it don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine 'round here. no plan, same problems. even though i want it so badly, there's no way to heal together if healing isn't part of your frame of mind. and, you sure as hell can't make someone see what needs to be healed if they don't want to do the work.   sometimes that healing needs to go back to before you as a couple even existed. some wounds run deep and long and unless you're ready to look at them really really hard, good luck being in a healthy relationship.

something i have for sure learned is that there is no one person guilty at the failure of a relationship. both people play such crucial roles in the relationship that i see how divorce is considered 'no fault' in minnesota. kind of like certain kinds of car accidents. sometimes they are just so messy and complex and impossible to separate one reason for a divorce from another.

i still cry, but they're not tears that come on with seemingly no reason. they don't last like they used to either. the whole idea of being single again has begun to hurt less. i'm less afraid and far less desperate. i was willing to make all sorts of concessions, to put my values and the things that matter to me aside in hopes of having us work out. i realize that isn't realistic. i also realize i can't make him see me for me, for the good i brought to our life together. the things he would need to do to see that would require him to make huge changes. honestly, i don't think he can see things the way i do, how things could be if he'd just try a new way of doing things. it pisses me off that i've been here, seeing him along this journey with his career and now i won't get to enjoy the life we could have had together once he gets into a position that doesn't require so much travel. all the bad, none of the good.

i know i've done my share of changing. i've been so.damn.patient. so kind, understanding. convenient. THERE. never again. i'm better than this and i deserve better. it'd even be better to be alone than to be treated with such irrelevance. what i do for everyone in our family is worth more than any dollar amount and most of what happens would go undone if i wasn't the one home taking care of things.

there are better days ahead. no more feeling like i'm re-reading the same chapter of the same book over and over and over again. no more feeling like magnets with the opposite ends pushing together, getting SOOOO close, just to push away. that's how this marriage has felt. we come really close but we just never really align. always just a minute too late or a few steps ahead or behind all the time. my days ahead will feel bright, kind and full of love and opportunity.