soothing the soul

when things are kind of topsy turvy and feel kinda crazy, that's my cue. slow down, get comfy and do some major soothing of the soul. my kids seem to be 'off' lately (not gonna lie, i'm feeling quite cabin feverish and also crazy). our winter is dragging on and on and on here in minnesota and honestly, it's beginning to affect me. it's also times like this that i try to go back to a simpler way of being. yummy, filling homemade soups. sitting and reading on the couch. cuddling. playing games and just being together. confession: even with all these nice no pressure days, my kids are STILL driving me bonkers, even though i'm trying to slow down and just do fun things with them. lately i find myself saying, "i am the boss around here!" to my two year old who thinks she's the boss. she will even TELL you she's the boss by saying, "i'm the boss in my house!" i think she's spending a little too much time with someone...ah-hem. :) also, i could REALLY really use a vacation. 

in what feels like head-spinning madness, i've been trying to take time to keep up with the traditions i've created for me and my kids. one of my most favorite traditions for us is Sunday Night Snacks. yep, that's what we call it. sundays are always my day to re-group and get ready for the week. almost every Sunday we go to church. our church is amazing. really. i try not to get all churchy and preachy about how great it is, but i find i can't really help myself. i've never in my life been a part of a church that i felt this way about. most sundays, i find myself so overwhelmed, renewed and my heart filled right up, that i cry. not sobbing, but the tears come and i get choked up. i feel like i'm given a new chance to be a good mom, a good friend and a good person. i'm ready to take on my week ahead. my kids love sunday school and my oldest enjoys youth group. it really is a win for all of us. then we go home, hang out, clean and do whatever. sometimes there are play dates, but usually we are just home. we get in pjs early and we make snacks. the kids LOVE sunday nights! we make air popped popcorn, cut up fruit, ants on a log, cheese and crackers and often i let the kids have some input as to what we have. we carry it all downstairs to the family room and hang out, talk, play, watch a family friendly show. it gets messy usually but that's what vacuums are for, right? it's just a really great way to end the weekend and start the week. when we don't do it, the kids are pretty disappointed. we didn't have sunday night snacks last night so we had them tonight (monday). it definitely did not go over quite as well. they kept asking me what was for dinner. did they really just think it was all just a snack? the kids ended up having a PB & J before bed because apparently, snacks for dinner on a monday never happens and so therefore, dinner didn't happen. 

sunday night snacks didn't start with me. the story i've been told is my grandma (mom's mom) would cook a big sunday dinner and didn't want to cook again, so they started having popcorn and light snacks at night. this was probably about 50 years ago! my mom and dad did them with us and now we all do them with our kids. even though my dad and mom got divorced when i was little, my dad still has popcorn on sunday nights. pretty cool, if you ask me. i love having little things like this that the kids look forward to...things that are a constant even though dad has moved out.

some other intentional things (although maybe not traditions) i try to do are: no cell phone in my hands during story time, bedtime and meal time. everyone can help prepare a part of the meal and we all eat meals together. i make an effort to have everyone go to the other's important events; sports games, concerts, open houses at school, violin recitals, preschool performances. you name it, we are all there if possible. when it's time to clean, each kid has their own special jobs to do so they feel like an important, valued part of the family. we can all help one another. laundry is a family event (everyone folds their own)! i must be doing something right because i caught my 2.5 year old cleaning the potty one day with her baby wipes and man, was she proud! we also turn the music up and have dance parties. sometimes i turn on folky music and just listen and let it do some work on my heart.

i realize many families do the same sort of things, but my hope is to create a sense of continuity...just because dad moved out, doesn't mean we have to stop doing the things we enjoy. but, because dad moved out, mom needs help with certain things. i try to not do the things they can do for themselves and when i see they can do more, i give them more responsibilities. i am trying to teach them that we are a family and as siblings, they are each other's first friends. i am working on them learning that we do things for others because it makes the other person feel good, because we won't like everything we ever do, but it is worth it to see someone else feel important, loved and worthwhile. i tell them i am only one person, so when we are able to help, we have to pitch in or everything will fall apart. we are a team and if only one team member is doing the work, the team isn't really a team. we want all of us to be successful as individuals and as a family. i really try to get them to understand that we love each other and that is the most important thing ever because no one can take us away from our family. i must say it often, because my four year old always says, "why do you ALWAYS say that?!" and i answer, "Because it is THAT important." they don't know it, but they will thank me one day. we all have some healing to do and this is just the place to do that and they already seem to be doing better.  

what are some of your favorite (non-holiday) everyday traditions that help you slow down and stay connected to your children? 

letting go

i recently read that insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results.

i think i am insane.

well i sure hope i'm not, but if that is the definition, i might be close. i kept hoping things would be different "this time," yet each time he'd come back, we'd fall into the same pattern. sometimes it would take a few months, but most recently (although he hadn't moved back), it only took a couple weeks. this is even after i made it clear that we NEEDED a plan. a plan! yes, we would not continue making the same mistakes, repeating history, beating a dead horse.

let's just say it don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine 'round here. no plan, same problems. even though i want it so badly, there's no way to heal together if healing isn't part of your frame of mind. and, you sure as hell can't make someone see what needs to be healed if they don't want to do the work.   sometimes that healing needs to go back to before you as a couple even existed. some wounds run deep and long and unless you're ready to look at them really really hard, good luck being in a healthy relationship.

something i have for sure learned is that there is no one person guilty at the failure of a relationship. both people play such crucial roles in the relationship that i see how divorce is considered 'no fault' in minnesota. kind of like certain kinds of car accidents. sometimes they are just so messy and complex and impossible to separate one reason for a divorce from another.

i still cry, but they're not tears that come on with seemingly no reason. they don't last like they used to either. the whole idea of being single again has begun to hurt less. i'm less afraid and far less desperate. i was willing to make all sorts of concessions, to put my values and the things that matter to me aside in hopes of having us work out. i realize that isn't realistic. i also realize i can't make him see me for me, for the good i brought to our life together. the things he would need to do to see that would require him to make huge changes. honestly, i don't think he can see things the way i do, how things could be if he'd just try a new way of doing things. it pisses me off that i've been here, seeing him along this journey with his career and now i won't get to enjoy the life we could have had together once he gets into a position that doesn't require so much travel. all the bad, none of the good.

i know i've done my share of changing. i've been so.damn.patient. so kind, understanding. convenient. THERE. never again. i'm better than this and i deserve better. it'd even be better to be alone than to be treated with such irrelevance. what i do for everyone in our family is worth more than any dollar amount and most of what happens would go undone if i wasn't the one home taking care of things.

there are better days ahead. no more feeling like i'm re-reading the same chapter of the same book over and over and over again. no more feeling like magnets with the opposite ends pushing together, getting SOOOO close, just to push away. that's how this marriage has felt. we come really close but we just never really align. always just a minute too late or a few steps ahead or behind all the time. my days ahead will feel bright, kind and full of love and opportunity.

tears, advice & self-esteem

this last week has been a roller coaster ride. i'm not gonna lie. tuesday, wednesday and thursday i cried at the drop of a hat. anything that reminded me of my now ex-husband-who-literally-has-nothing-left-in-my-house, hit me hard. thursday i was supposed to go to a meeting, but i didn't go. my boss emailed me and called me and i didn't answer or reply. i just couldn't. i didn't know what to say or how to answer any questions she might have for me about work. she sent me a text asking if i was going to use PTO for thursday. my reply, i guess so. the worst happened friday night. i decided i'd go out with my sister and her friends, to have something to do. we were all sitting around, talking and having fun and all of a sudden my sister says to me, why are you crying? i didn't even realize it. i got up and sat in the bathroom for at least 45 minutes. i just wanted to go home, but it made me even sadder thinking that no one was at home anticipating my arrival. my sister's friend drove me home and i talked the whole way and he could relate as he just went through the end of his engagement...and every time i'd say something, he'd remind me, "and that's why he's not your partner. someone better is out there for you." on saturday, i laid at the pool and on the floaty in the pool. i was numb. i never just lay around, so this was good for me. i'm trying to give myself a break. 

i spent my afternoon today sorting through my dresser and closet, figuring out which clothes i was going to put in his (my) closet and what i'd use each dresser for. while i was doing all of this, i was thinking over the past week and all the words of advice i've received during this really difficult past week. just thinking about them and repeating them in my head gave me a lot of strength this week and i just wanted to share in case anyone else is out there who can benefit from them. they are simple, but important.

-Be strong. You are doing the right thing for you and the kids. (on questioning if divorce is really the right choice)

-If he'd been nice, you wouldn't be getting divorced. (on wondering why some people turn so mean)

-That's the way it goes. Crying is healing. (on me crying all the time & while out having fun)

-Remain cordial. Don't get into arguments. (on minimizing interaction)

-Hold your head up high. Make up your mind this is the right thing to do and don't look back. (on doubting the decision)

-Don't let the kids get in the middle of anything. (on keeping it between him and i)

-Hang in there! You will be better without him!  (on feeling weak)

a couple of weeks ago, when my counselor gave me a self-esteem evaluation tool to me, i thought to myself, "i'm confident, i know what i want out of life...but we all have things we need to work on so i'll just take a look." when i read it for the first time, i was amazed to see some of the items on there that are connected to self-esteem. that whole, he's breaking you down to help himself feel better thing? yep...#9: I treat others with respect and dignity. Seeing that one has helped me tremendously to realize it wasn't me all the time. Some i had no idea about though, like being kind to myself, making decisions, valuing my own feelings, being able to learn something from each moment of the day. i could go on and on. there is so much for me to work on, even if i give myself a 4 or 5 today on any given statement, tomorrow it could be a 2. i've already learned self-esteem doesn't just happen. it is a constant process of looking at ourselves honestly, kindly and openly so we can know where we are falling short in loving and accepting ourselves before we can truly love another person unconditionally and accept them for who they are where they are right now and not try to change them. 

EVERYONE has advice on how you know you're ready to move on. in the middle of cleaning, i said to my sister, "i don't think i really care about what he's doing anymore." she laughed and said, "elsa, you just said you don't want to picture him with someone else, even though you're glad it won't be you." someone once told her that she would know that she had healed from her relationship and divorce when her ex-husband's name or image came into her mind and she could say she honestly had no feeling one way or another about him. someone else told me there's some little formula for the time you need to give yourself, like so many months for every year you were married. i'm not even sure about that one. i've just decided that i'm in no hurry. i have plenty to learn about myself and plenty i need to do in order to be the best me possible. i still have a long way to go because i'm not perfect. i've made mistakes and i need to accept them and forgive myself for them so i can be free of them. i want to be able to have solid 4s and 5s on my self-esteem statements. sounds silly, but it's something concrete where i can measure my success and a way to gently remind myself that there is always a way to do better for myself without defending or explaining why. 

     It is better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret. ~Jackie Joyner-Kersee