it will get better

it's been seven months since the divorce was finalized. i used to call it "my divorce," but i've stopped saying that and am now calling it "the divorce" because it's not mine and it doesn't define me. for a while, it was the thing that consumed me almost as much as being a mom did. divorce sucks and with all of the draining legalities, comes a whole different set of things you go through.

while i was going through the process of the divorce, i googled often. i looked for blogs, real people who were willing to talk about divorce and how yes, this is quite possibly the worst thing in the world, but here are some tips to get through this alive, well and MAYBE, happy. divorce is like an earthquake. it shakes every part of your life up, some things shatter, some are slightly damaged and some things seem to be just fine. some things even come out stronger as you rebuild and you realize there might be a better way to do something as you re-build.

if you have kids, the divorce is never really over. you are connected to that person for the rest of your life. so even though i'm out of the darkness of the separation and the divorce, there are still things that come up and i think having a place to go to discuss that is important.

i've had it with lawyers, i'm not a lawyer and i have zero interest in discussing legal 'stuff' here. i'm not an expert so anything i write is from my own experience and my own heart. i am not a proponent of divorce necessarily, but i'm also not totally against it as it does serve a very good purpose for many wonderful people. i simply want to offer this as a place to come so you don't feel like you're alone in your journey and people are going through it all over the world, every single day. we don't have to feel alone or like no one understands.

not even one year ago, i would never have guessed i would be where i am now. i cried often and my life was a scary disaster. there were so many unknowns. the divorce seemed to have no end in sight and all i could do was focus on my kids. i was very much in survival mode. stress was high and i did not have time to read a million blogs to find the one i could relate to. feel free to read my previous posts to get a little 'background' information on me.

divorce is a scary, upsetting time. the only guarantee i have is that it DOES GET BETTER. you cry less often and the crying doesn't last as long. every day you find yourself a little stronger and it's okay if one day is absolutely awful. we always have tomorrow to do better. when tomorrow seemed too far away, i tried to be better than i was earlier that day. i vowed to always do my best and sometimes my best was really, really amazing and other days, my best was minimally good and sometimes, i really did not do a very good job (AT ALL).

a beautiful struggle

i love hearing and knowing so many people have wonderful lives. we all do, really. wonderful doesn't mean perfect, in my eyes. every day is a chance to do things differently, to wake up with a new perspective, do things differently and to be who we want to be. it can be really hard and lonely though, when you know you have troubles or difficulties, yet you don't see many people sharing or talking about those difficulties. 

i am not sure why we feel like we can't share the "bad" because we have no problem sharing the good. people can't seem to wait to share all the great things they are experiencing in life. it just doesn't always really create good, heartfelt bonds when we just rattle off the stuff we think others will be impressed with or care about. i have to ask though, if we share the not-so-good stuff, do we think we are we admitting that we are weak or that we have no shame or pride? if we can only share the good, are we in denial of what is really going on in our lives? 

obviously with good comes bad. all things come in pairs. so it's no surprise to anyone that we all have troubles, but if we keep them to ourselves, what is to become of them? do they just fester and become bigger, leaving us to feel more isolated because we have no one saying, 'i've been there! i can understand the pain you are going through'? it's definitely not easy to say that i am struggling and i need help. asking for help is one of the hardest things for me to do. i'd rather try and figure things out on my own, but sometimes, that isn't possible. asking for help can be embarrassing, humiliating and very hard, especially when you've always been the kind of person who doesn't need a lot of help. all i know is, as hard as it is to ask for help, now that i have, i now feel so.much.better. i can sleep easier tonight knowing i have a few less things to worry about. i am letting others help me in different ways in order to lighten my load, so that i can focus on the things that need me to be fully present. lying in bed awake last night worrying left me a tired mama this morning and i knew i had to reach out. it was truly one of my best moments, realizing i didn't have to try and do this transition alone. during a weak moment, i found strength to reach out. and seriously. what a relief. 

there is no shame in making decisions that will get you where you want to be in the end. there is no embarrassment in saying i can't do this alone right now and i need some help bearing the weight of these hard things that feel very immediate and pressing. it would be a real shame if i had narrowed my life to the point that i had no one to turn to for help. where would i be then, if i had listened to him and allowed myself to push away the important people in my life, those that have been here for me all along? 

years and years ago, my mom and sisters and i were at a hotel. my mom was a single mom at the time and us girls were all in our pre-teen years. my mom didn't date a lot and we relied on each other tremendously to support the various needs of our family. looking back, i can't even figure out what we were doing to separate ourselves from one another in the hotel room because no one had cell phones or iPods at that time, but we were probably bickering. so at one point, my mom got very frustrated. she had us all come to the sink area of the room and she had a glass in her hand. she said, "this glass is like my heart. it is filled with water, which represents love. every time i give you my time, my energy, anything, i'm giving you my love. each act of love takes away from the love i have." (as she is talking, she poured a little water out of the glass). She continued on, "if i continue to give give give, and you guys don't show me you appreciate me, love me, care about me, soon my heart will be empty and i will have nothing left to give you (glass now empty). But if you do small things that show me you care, that you love me, like cleaning up after you make a mess in the kitchen instead of leaving it for me, or watering my plants because you notice they're dry, or spend time with me just talking, you are filling my heart with love, little by little. then i will be able to continue to give you love." i saw something today that called this our 'love bank.' we all have accounts that need withdrawls AND deposits.

i'm not gonna lie. at the time, it was one of those moments we thought, this is it, mom has lost it. but as i each year i get older, i understand it better. relationships are give and take. we do small things to show people we care, that they are important to us, that we love them and then they do the same, in their own way, in their own time. these things keep us full and help us to give to others. 

our love banks are real and i really think it's time we start looking out for each other, noticing when someone is struggling, in case asking for help or talking about their troubles is not something they are good at. we all can help to fill each other's hearts with small acts of kindness and love. i believe we cannot have the 'every-man-for-himself' approach. life is too hard as it is...there's gotta be a better way to get through this than trying to do it alone. right now, thanks to all my really fantastic friends and family, i feel i have love flowing around me, through me and filling me right up. pretty amazing feeling when it seems i should be feeling the complete opposite.