it will get better

it's been seven months since the divorce was finalized. i used to call it "my divorce," but i've stopped saying that and am now calling it "the divorce" because it's not mine and it doesn't define me. for a while, it was the thing that consumed me almost as much as being a mom did. divorce sucks and with all of the draining legalities, comes a whole different set of things you go through.

while i was going through the process of the divorce, i googled often. i looked for blogs, real people who were willing to talk about divorce and how yes, this is quite possibly the worst thing in the world, but here are some tips to get through this alive, well and MAYBE, happy. divorce is like an earthquake. it shakes every part of your life up, some things shatter, some are slightly damaged and some things seem to be just fine. some things even come out stronger as you rebuild and you realize there might be a better way to do something as you re-build.

if you have kids, the divorce is never really over. you are connected to that person for the rest of your life. so even though i'm out of the darkness of the separation and the divorce, there are still things that come up and i think having a place to go to discuss that is important.

i've had it with lawyers, i'm not a lawyer and i have zero interest in discussing legal 'stuff' here. i'm not an expert so anything i write is from my own experience and my own heart. i am not a proponent of divorce necessarily, but i'm also not totally against it as it does serve a very good purpose for many wonderful people. i simply want to offer this as a place to come so you don't feel like you're alone in your journey and people are going through it all over the world, every single day. we don't have to feel alone or like no one understands.

not even one year ago, i would never have guessed i would be where i am now. i cried often and my life was a scary disaster. there were so many unknowns. the divorce seemed to have no end in sight and all i could do was focus on my kids. i was very much in survival mode. stress was high and i did not have time to read a million blogs to find the one i could relate to. feel free to read my previous posts to get a little 'background' information on me.

divorce is a scary, upsetting time. the only guarantee i have is that it DOES GET BETTER. you cry less often and the crying doesn't last as long. every day you find yourself a little stronger and it's okay if one day is absolutely awful. we always have tomorrow to do better. when tomorrow seemed too far away, i tried to be better than i was earlier that day. i vowed to always do my best and sometimes my best was really, really amazing and other days, my best was minimally good and sometimes, i really did not do a very good job (AT ALL).

New Year's Eve 2013

Everything lately feels like a bunch of "we were supposed to be's." like we were supposed to be dressed up & out dancing and having fun tonight. I'd been looking forward to a child-free night with my husband (ok...now soon to be ex)... celebrating his months of working hard and traveling and my keeping everything together while he was gone. we were supposed to be anticipating what might come next career-wise for him and what it could mean for the rest of us.
Instead I'm planning what my 'new' room is going to look like and what my daughters' room will look like. Instead I'm trying to anticipate how long I'm going to feel like shit and what I'm going to do to come out of this...while maintaining some semblance of normalcy and not too many days of puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks.
My New Year's resolutions usually look quite like most people's resolutions: eat healthier, exercise more, drink more water, be more present, etc. this year, ive already been doing those things. I also tend to forget them after a short time. This year, I must be less generic. I desire more now.
Recently I felt an awakening of my soul. it was beautifully alarming and I only shared about it with a couple people. The third person I shared with was my husband and in the same moment that I decided I wanted to share with him what I was experiencing, it was gone. just like that. how does this happen? did I let it happen this way? I don't think so.
I've decided my resolution will be to allow that awakening of my soul to come back; to feed it, to nurture it and to encourage it to stay. I wish to be more authentic with my heart and myself so that all people can know me for who I am and so there is no confusion. defending myself, who I know to be me, is exhausting. Somehow and for some unknown reason, I keep my authentic self to myself or share it bit by bit with those I feel will be gentle with me. I am not perfect; i am human. I am broken, but not unloveable. My heart will be healed and I know it will take time.