i read an article today it was called, "Secrets to a Happy Marriage (from the Real Experts)." according to the article, june is traditionally associated with getting married. i can't but help feel the irony in this as this is the month i have (both times) become separated from my ex and current husband. how do couples go from happiness to divorce in such a relatively short time?
the author, Karl A. Pillemer, Ph.D, interviewed many many elderly couples. he asked them for their advice on what makes a happy marriage. Did you know that (per this article) 90% of Americans still find marriage as the ideal lifestyle, even though around half of all marriages will ultimately end in divorce? that is astounding to me! how can it be that it is still the ideal for the majority of people, yet we have such a high divorce rate? one would think that if marriage held such a high place in the eyes of most Americans, that there would be a better support system in place for those that are married (or plan to get married). maybe we need marriage mentors, not just couples who tell us words of wisdom during the little bit of pre-marital counseling some go through? maybe we should take the advice of the elderly married couples a little more seriously, to get us back to where society used to value marriage a little more? where people might hear real advice, not just 'marriage is hard work' or 'marriage is a long journey.' we all hear the same things...the difference is, old people tell it like it is. maybe we just need to go back to the more traditional values and truly listen to those that have had success in their marriages so that we can have some tried and true advice. so i read this article today and as i was reading these were my thoughts...and maybe, just maybe, they are right.
Marry Someone a lot Like You.
I have to admit. i don't think that my husband is a lot like me. we don't see eye-to-eye on a number of topics. I'd venture to say we fall under the "opposites attract" category. don't get me wrong, we used to have a lot of fun together, yet our personalities are quite different, generally speaking our values align but within those values is where we conflict. communication styles differ and actually i find is one of the greatest causes for arguments and discord.
Never Expect your Partner to Change
my husband buys me flowers now and then (like once in a great while). my mom will comment, i wish my husband would buy me flowers! and i always respond the same, "mom, he didn't buy you flowers before you were married so you can't really expect him to buy you flowers now." you can't wish for something to change that you were okay with before. there is nothing I'd want to change about my husband as far as his character & the qualities to which I was attracted to. he's a good father, providing for his family is important, he's handsome, can be fun and intelligent. we enjoy some of the same activities. it's some other things I wish he would do differently: be more organized, talk to me more, be more affectionate towards me and i'd say he could relax and enjoy the moment a little more often. they are not things that make me love him less, i just find those are the things where we are not much alike. he often claims I'm trying to change him but in my eyes, maybe im trying to influence him?!
Friendship is as Important as Love
after reading this part, i can definitely relate to the lady who said they were good at love, but never learned how to be friends. now I'm finding myself wondering, would we be friends if we did not love each other? do we treat each other with the same regard we treat our friends? with my friends, we relax, talk freely and openly. we share inside jokes, have connections others do not understand. when kids and life start playing a major role, how will the marriage survive that 3rd stage of misery if the romance goes away for a while or you hit a rough patch? according to the research participants, friendship gets you through. without friendship, your relationship is more likely to fail. do we fall in love first and THEN become friends or does it happen simultaneously?
i have no doubt some couples work well because they paid attention to some of these types of advice. what worries me is that all too often, we do not listen to our hearts. we let go of a relationship because it is not acceptable to our families or society, or we want something to work so badly that we are willing, at that time, to make concessions and compromises in order for it to work. ultimately, that can only work for so long before it becomes too much for one to bare.
question: what do you think is the most important relationship advice you have received? do you agree with the article or do you think relationships can make it without these three keys to marriage success?
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