A little about me

I'm a 35 year old mom who has been single parenting the majority of my time a mom. I had my first son at age 19, in my first year of college. My last three kids were born in a whirlwind span of 4 years, which also included one miscarriage/loss at 15 weeks. I've been married and divorced twice (we'll talk about those later) and i've been a mom working outside the home and also a stay at home mom. I've formula fed, breastfed and even did extended breastfeeding. I literally cannot judge a single person if i wanted to.

Some days feel so good and I feel so confident and uplifted, seeing how my family is doing well as a whole, then other days BAM...things feel like they are just falling apart. That being said, I also think it's quite normal. i'm also a working parent, so I am always trying to find ways to stay organized, keep life simple and also stay happy myself. Learning to live with anxiety and PTSD after an abusive relationship has sort of consumed me and I'm hoping to be off my anxiety medication within another year or so. (wishful thinking?) anyway, that is me in a nutshell for now. if you can imagine it, i've been through it.

i just want to write

the question of my life lately is "well, what do you WANT to do?"

such a funny question. i have two answers. one is the one i tell people. the other is a secret that isn't going to be a secret for much longer, once i write it out on this post. both are true, just one is more desirable to me.

the answer i tell people is i want to go to grad school. probably in public health, to study maternal and child health. i'd like to work with women and children, help people, maybe work at the organizational level to some degree. some day, i'd like to join the peace corps to work in development/policy/health care/birth. this answer never surprises anyone.

my other answer is i want to do nothing (nothing as in a profession). i want to be nothing more than what i am. unfortunately that doesn't pay me a penny at the moment. i want to write and write and write some more. i want to help people be healthy. i want to be home when my kids come home from school. to have fresh muffins for a snack when they get home. to grow things and teach my kids about the world and life. i would like to be able to go to their concerts, sporting events and parent-teacher conferences without permission to do so. i want to be able to have my sanity so i can actually be a good mom, friend, sister, and of course, good to myself. i don't know how i can do both.

as a single mom of four kids, life is BUSY. finding the time to do all the things that have to be done is hard enough when you are home, but even worse when you are gone 45-50 hours a week at work. i know people do this all over the world. some people do even more if they work two jobs. my anxiety seriously kicks in when people want to know what i want to do because do i give them the real answer that is true or the one that sounds really good? the anxiety goes crazy when i think about not being here for my kids before and after school. my oldest son asks how it is that i don't watch tv during the day because i have seven hours. does he even realize how much needs to be done around here? or that some days i have appointments and meetings and whatnot?!

i never thought i would be a single mom again. the idea of it didn't scare me, but it just didn't occur to me that it would happen. i know how I 'did it' when i was working full time and managing all the housework and kids' schedules and such, but i'm wondering how other single parents do it. how do you balance all of that all by yourself without losing yourself and your mind?

this single mom life

i'm in this super ironic place in life. my *new* job has me doing self-sufficiency work with families, particularly women and children. many families have so much on their plates and in my role, i help them get on this path where they can proudly be self-sufficient. so much irony. i, myself, am working on self-sufficiency. i left a relationship where there was abuse- a few physical incidents, but i can safely say a lot of emotional abuse, financial abuse and there were times where he pressured me or made me feel bad for saying no to him for sex. last spring the harassment got to a point that i was able to secure a protection/no contact order against him. i didn't even feel safer, necessarily, i just really felt like i had something in place should he continue to harass me when i had repeatedly asked him to stop and told him i would take action if he did not stop. it was hands down, the BEST THING EVER, even though i go through life very cautiously, afraid of what repercussions might take place. the good news is, so far, he has respected the order.

so, back to self-sufficiency. as a single mom with four kids, being self-sufficient is vital, but quite difficult, especially when you just can't rely on the child support to help take care of the kids. i get really tired of these memes i see talking about moms shouldn't get child support, but i'm here to say that just because you're no longer together, one parent doesn't just get to walk away, living life free as a bird. the children deserve to have a good life where their needs are met regardless of the parents' relationship. i took the job i have because it felt like it would be a good fit and it offered flexibility that i feel is necessary to be a mom as well. i felt like i could really relate and know what it takes to build relationships with people who would appreciate a positive voice coming from their child's school. the reality is, i am no where near self-sufficiency. i ask myself, who am i to advise these people on self-sufficiency?! i live paycheck to paycheck. i have a very tight budget. i do a really good job of making food from scratch that is healthy and money saving. we are a minimalist family and so my kids have what they need, and now and then, i can get something they want, but for the most part, i'm trying really hard to teach them that our relationships in our family and with others are far more important than any toy i could buy.

often times, i get really afraid i won't be able to maintain a household on my own. my anxiety is OFF
THE CHARTS lately. it feels impossible when i think about how i will get through this time. i doubt myself. i lose momentum in my plans and goals. since i've started working, i am physically sick to my stomach most days at work. it is so stressful knowing i am working so hard and am not even really making it. the good thing is i have reliable child care that is working with me so i can maintain a job. i have strong children who understand that i am working so hard for all of us and they are really doing an amazing job of stepping up and doing their part. my family and friends are AMAZING and really have been by my side since forever. i have a boyfriend who is sweet and kind and caring. he also supports me as best as he can, but sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me and i shut down. thankfully he is learning i might 'go away' a little bit, but i always come back.

there are really just so many ups and downs when you are a single mom. there are so many hard days that i seriously just take it moment by moment. sometimes i am able to tell myself to just get through today or the next few days. sure, i had ups and downs as a mom when i was married, too. the difference is knowing he was coming home and would be able to help out with the kids somewhat. now, it's all on my shoulders, ALL THE TIME. no matter how someone became a single parent, that doesn't change the reality of the situation.


my dream is to have a business that can support us. something that excites me and i believe in. i want to be able to give my kids a better life. i'm not saying so i can buy them everything under the sun. i'm saying i want to be able to pay for my kids' lunches at school. i want to be able to buy the quality of food i desire. i want to be able to save money to make improvements on my house. this house is good for us and so it's not even about wanting a bigger, fancier house. (okay...maybe just an updated/expanded kitchen with new appliances?!) what it comes down to for me is making a life where we don't have to rely on the child support (that doesn't seem to ever come). a life where i am making enough to give us all we need and maybe a vacation together now and then. a life where i am available to them and support them in their goals. i'm working on it, though, and i won't be satisfied until i get where i want to be. it scares the shit out of me, but i'm ready.

Unemployed.

Almost three months unemployed. I have applied for so many jobs, but I have this feeling that working for the man isn't for me. The clocking in and out. Micromanagers. Sitting at a desk for hours.on.end. The thought is enough to kill me, let alone actually doing it in a place that doesn't value movement and creativity and ideas and conversations and ... Yes. Sitting in an office. I'll do it if I must, but it sounds like a slow painful death to my mind, body and soul.

The last few months have been so strange. For the first time in EVER, I was at home with no children. They are all in school and my youngest is in pre-k full time. I never thought I wouldn't get another job because I've seriously gotten every job I've ever interviewed for. This time I can't even get an interview for anything even though I have the qualifications. How does that even work?! 

So this has been a very humbling experience, to say the least. It's hard some days to not get down on myself about it. I applied to work at target and to clean houses. Just to see. And.... Nothing. The cleaning company...They said they wouldn't even consider me to CLEAN HOUSES. 

I've run the gamut of possible jobs. I am still hopeful. Still thinking that something great is going to happen for me. Positive thinking. Keeping stress low. Giving myself grace to have hard days or bad days. I tell myself the right thing will come along. And hopefully, my ex's eyes and heart open up and he realizes he needs to pay child support, as he agreed and is ordered by courts. Losing my job and him not paying support all within the same month has been nothing short of hard (and also humbling). 

Today I woke up & after getting the kids fed and off to school, I decided to run errands without even doing anything, except brushing my teeth and throwing on leggings and a sweatshirt, like this... (Not my usual)

That is how I left the house. It was just one of those days!!! 

So...If you read this, please send a quick prayer out. Good vibes needed!!! I'm super smart, capable, motivated, educated (double major in Global Studies and Spanish), I have work experience and just need to be given a fighting chance. I can literally do anything when given the opportunity. (I do love being home...so much to do every day and I'm available to my kids and managing the house, so it's nice but... Let's be real. I've got mouths to feed!!) 

In Peace.

Elsa ❤️

reflection

I was recently reflecting with my best friend on how life was when i was a full time working mom.

when i went back to work full time after the divorce, i had no idea how it would effect my family. i felt like it would all be fine and we would be alright. i worked 40 hours a week, a couple different shifts due to the clinic's hours. usually people talk about how divorce will effect a family negatively and really tear it apart. in my case, me working full time did that.

we were those people. the ones I never thought I would be... Too busy. The ones who I learned about that we should thank for getting their kids up and off to school. the ones whose kids I worked with and the parents I helped. Often i would forget to check homework. sometimes they wouldn't have it done. i'd forget to sign their communication sheet. my oldest couldn't stay after school once football was over because our nanny didn't work out and i feared a repeat of that situation. having to tell his teachers that he can't stay after because i needed him to help out, made me feel awful. he would come home and make dinner and get the kids in pajamas. my little kids stayed home in the mornings for a little bit because i couldn't afford daycare on my own. when my youngest was falling apart the most, my heart hurt because all i knew was when i left for work, she was fine...but that was two hours before I left.

(We lived for these moments! Me & my youngest) 

my kids suffered. everyone fought. i was stressed to the max. some days i'd go to get them dressed and not quite understand why there were no pants in Ani's drawer and then realize that i hadn't done laundry since last week. some days i'd clean up from dinner just to make dinner for the next night. i often missed meals because once i got home it was time for bed and i'd have to do all the preparations for the next day. Too exhausted for much else, it turns out, i had become a shell of myself, quite robotic just so that i could get through the day and make sure everyone would be alright. I was stretched so thin, I had nothing left for friends, for myself or my kids. 

when i lost my job in february, i couldn't understand why or how this could happen. i was doing okay, mostly able to support my family and all at once, not only did i lose my job, but the ex stopped paying his child support. in a blink of an eye, my life seemed to be falling apart.

  (The day I got let go from work at WIC. It looks like I knew something was up!) 
                                                
        **************************
until last fall of 2014, i had been a stay at home mom. my two youngest kids don't remember me not being home. the ex traveled extensively for work and my son struggled significantly in child care ever since he was an infant. since he traveled and i was home, the transition to me working really took a toll on the kids. they were pretty used to him being gone between work and our frequent separations. i'm still not sure the reasons why i was let go from the job i had. i really liked working there, my coworkers were great and the work felt fulfilling to me. the only thing i can come to grasp is that we were all falling apart and this could somehow be a blessing in disguise. me being home again (on unemployment now) has really been good. my kids are doing so much better. as a mom, there is NOTHING worse than seeing your children struggle and even more, knowing you being gone was the cause of a lot of their pain.

going back to work full time terrifies me. i feel like i have a better idea of what will need to be in place based on what worked and didn't work the last time around, but it still scares me. i have a better idea of what will work better schedule-wise, but all of this doesn't make any of it easier, so I think almost full time would be better. 

They are doing so well now, it makes me happy to see them thriving again. 

Tending to my soul (& the garden)

It's an absolutely gorgeous day in Minnesota today. Breezy and sunny and not too hot. Gardening is a peaceful time for me to turn inside and listen. I reflect on life and where I am, where I want to be and how I might get there. 

I decided to take some pictures of the newly planted garden and the plants that are coming up. It's always fun to see new life growing and is a good reminder that a lot is happening to the plants below the surface of the earth before we see anything at all. A lot like people, a lot goes on inside us and behind the scenes to make changes for ourselves and growing in character, before others may notice.

I planted cilantro and a lettuce mix in these concrete blocks. We will see how they do in there!!

Chives are up, along with all of the herbs I grow like mint, oregano, thyme & sage among others. 

One of my favorite things is when the delphinium and tiger lilies bloom (bottom right). I like to encourage bees to visit to my garden by growing a variety of flowers and by co-planting flowers/herbs with veggies. 

unveiled

the first version of my blog was written while i was going through multiple separations from my ex-husband, multiple getting back togethers and finally, a divorce. i slowed down on my writing because it started to feel redundant and it wasn't helping me much. it was me trying to figure out what i was supposed to do and just sort of process everything because writing helps me.

 i don't seek clarity now, but i do feel like i haven't been a true version of myself for very long. i think the real me has surprised people who have known me and they aren't sure why. not being yourself is a slow and painful way to live; a way i wouldn't recommend to anyone. i was a version of me that i thought others would find more acceptable. i edited out certain parts of me, kept things to myself and pushed through life in a way that wasn't satisfying to me.

for too long, i've sat quiet. never wanting to offend anyone, but always having more to say. i wasn't sure i would be offensive, but i listened to the advice. don't say too much. people don't really want to know. some things don't need to be shared. i always wondered how "they" knew what i was going to say, how they were sure it would be offensive or be "too much."

this second edition of my blog is renamed and properly so. it's about ME. i think most moms end up being so and so's mom...I want to be known as more than just someone's mom, even though i know there is nothing greater than being a mom.

sometimes i'll write, sometimes i'll share the things i love or things that make me feel happy or good or places i want to go. sometimes it'll be a song i have come across that i love. i just want people to know the real me. the things i've been through and the things i'm going through now. hopefully it'll help someone somewhere.

i have a variety of interests and things i love that i'll probably share now and then, namely soft clothes, jeans, natural living, healthy food and gardening. i practice yoga. i like music, but couldn't tell you which bands/groups/artists (mostly because i'm terrible with details). i read, garden, love writing. i love my people. i struggle with anxiety, but i've started a medication and so far, so good. i think i could worry about things a little more sometimes, but what good does worrying even do? i'm terrible with time and dates and knowing for sure what day it is. (i'm working on it!)

the best thing i am doing right now in this very moment is loving myself. well, learning to. i've been told for too long i'm too much of everything. i'm learning to let go, move forward and be my best self. to do all of this, i have learned to have personal courage and to own all of the things that make me who i am.