I was recently reflecting with my best friend on how life was when i was a full time working mom.
when i went back to work full time after the divorce, i had no idea how it would effect my family. i felt like it would all be fine and we would be alright. i worked 40 hours a week, a couple different shifts due to the clinic's hours. usually people talk about how divorce will effect a family negatively and really tear it apart. in my case, me working full time did that.
we were those people. the ones I never thought I would be... Too busy. The ones who I learned about that we should thank for getting their kids up and off to school. the ones whose kids I worked with and the parents I helped. Often i would forget to check homework. sometimes they wouldn't have it done. i'd forget to sign their communication sheet. my oldest couldn't stay after school once football was over because our nanny didn't work out and i feared a repeat of that situation. having to tell his teachers that he can't stay after because i needed him to help out, made me feel awful. he would come home and make dinner and get the kids in pajamas. my little kids stayed home in the mornings for a little bit because i couldn't afford daycare on my own. when my youngest was falling apart the most, my heart hurt because all i knew was when i left for work, she was fine...but that was two hours before I left.
my kids suffered. everyone fought. i was stressed to the max. some days i'd go to get them dressed and not quite understand why there were no pants in Ani's drawer and then realize that i hadn't done laundry since last week. some days i'd clean up from dinner just to make dinner for the next night. i often missed meals because once i got home it was time for bed and i'd have to do all the preparations for the next day. Too exhausted for much else, it turns out, i had become a shell of myself, quite robotic just so that i could get through the day and make sure everyone would be alright. I was stretched so thin, I had nothing left for friends, for myself or my kids.
when i lost my job in february, i couldn't understand why or how this could happen. i was doing okay, mostly able to support my family and all at once, not only did i lose my job, but the ex stopped paying his child support. in a blink of an eye, my life seemed to be falling apart.
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until last fall of 2014, i had been a stay at home mom. my two youngest kids don't remember me not being home. the ex traveled extensively for work and my son struggled significantly in child care ever since he was an infant. since he traveled and i was home, the transition to me working really took a toll on the kids. they were pretty used to him being gone between work and our frequent separations. i'm still not sure the reasons why i was let go from the job i had. i really liked working there, my coworkers were great and the work felt fulfilling to me. the only thing i can come to grasp is that we were all falling apart and this could somehow be a blessing in disguise. me being home again (on unemployment now) has really been good. my kids are doing so much better. as a mom, there is NOTHING worse than seeing your children struggle and even more, knowing you being gone was the cause of a lot of their pain.
going back to work full time terrifies me. i feel like i have a better idea of what will need to be in place based on what worked and didn't work the last time around, but it still scares me. i have a better idea of what will work better schedule-wise, but all of this doesn't make any of it easier, so I think almost full time would be better.
They are doing so well now, it makes me happy to see them thriving again. 
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