fear is a mighty thing

here i thought we were actually doing something. something different. something unconventional. who do you talk to when you are divorced and trying to figure things out? who do you go to, if you're going to see a counselor? certainly not a marriage counselor. definitely not the one who is "pro-marriage." i like the thought of that one, but honestly, can they help a pro-marriage couple who seriously sucked at marriage but want to get it right but are divorced now? maybe the wounds run too deep. maybe the years of being made last and verbalizing those things have finally sunk in until it hits my blood and it runs through my veins to my heart, where i learn being put last isn't right. not worth it. the question remains why did i accept that kind of relationship? the kind where i felt i was not only the last priority but the one he never considered?

those girls he called from past relationships in hopes of achieving some kind of answer. the ones who had been molested, raped, sexually abused. the ones he wanted answers to for understanding parts of their relationships from a decade ago. he understands those. but me? the one he loved and married and had kids with? no grace. mine is an excuse. one i can't use to protect myself. i was raped. but it makes no difference now. i'm different in his eyes. i don't know how one can have standards or expectations for one, but not another.

through tears i admit to mistakes. i was not open throughout the divorce to hear him. to really truly hear him. but is divorce the right time to really and truly hear them? why not before? i want to know why i had to divorce him to get him to realize he could lose me. forever. i made mistakes. they are mine. i can live with them. i have forgiven myself for them. one thing i have learned is i am not my mistakes nor do they define me. the grace i gave all those days-weeks-months-years meant nothing. not one little thing. i finally say something to slow us down and it is over before it began. again. he left before it could get good. or bad. maybe it would get bad again. maybe it would be out of this world good. i have no idea. i took the risk. i took the chance. i don't believe that being broken is the way we were meant to be. i believe accepting brokenness as a way of being together is an excuse made out of fear. fear to drive away those that might just hurt you, but you don't really know. every day it is something you have to decide. to not let fear drive you. fear is debilitating. fear is mean, cold, devoid of reality.

fear is a mighty thing. i know. so is love. but, i lived in fear and it kept me from the thing i wanted more than anything. it kept me from seeing the change, the good, the love, the struggle to do right. i was afraid it would come back and repeat itself. rear its ugly, good for nothing head. so i loved. it didn't matter. because even with love and living in love and making that daily decision to trust that he would be different and do different and actually do the thing he promised...still fear prevailed. because of fear, i will never know what could be.

the thing you put energy into. the thing you feed...it grows. you give life to lifeless things. those things flourish. i refuse to feed the thing that doesn't even exist unless i let it.. he put his energy into his fear of it being just the same way as it was a few months before.

divorce isn't something any one really wants. it admits failure. without words, it admits pain, sadness, weakness, tears and anger, loss, grief, death of dreams. lost love. how does love just go by the wayside? isn't that something people should see and value and want to never go without? anxiety takes over and the future is unknown.

i am worth every second, every minute, every month that you put into me.

i am worth every dollar you choose to spend, but not only worth the amount you spent on me.

there is no unit of value when it comes to a person's worth. until you realize that, the $60 bouquet of flowers will always be only $60 that you spent on someone. until you realize that, the time it takes to plan a well-thought out, meaningful evening, will have little monetary value, but could be worth a million dollars.

whether you are the one who started the divorce or the one who got the notice, divorce really, really sucks.