progress!

last summer, my (ex) husband and i split up (for the third time that year). i was pretty convinced i couldn't wouldn't get on that roller coaster any more. every time was more confusing than the last. i got tired of trying to pick up the pieces, explaining why daddy wasn't sleeping at our house, where he was or why they were sleeping somewhere else that weekend. i was ready (i thought) to be done with the whole thing because it was just too painful.

i felt invaluable. i felt disposable. i felt unlovable. i felt like what i did (still do) for our family was such important work and i didn't get why or how he couldn't also see the value in what i do. i felt like the what if's in my head were going to make me crazy! friends kept telling me that no matter what i did, it wasn't right. that it seemed i was in a lose-lose situation. my heart felt like it was being squeezed and stabbed with a sharp knife at the same time. i felt like a little bit of me was dying every day, like a flower losing its petals.

the first weekend he had our two kids, my daughter was at her dad's. my son was with friends for the weekend. since i was free and my sister had plans to go see a band that was playing at a local place, i invited myself to go along. i got all ready, felt like i looked really good and i was ready to do something social.

so there we were, sitting in the bar, having a drink. i look up at my sister and she mouths to me, "why are you crying?" i stood up quickly (because i hadn't even realized i was crying...haha...i can laugh about it now), walked my 'i look really good' walk to the bathroom and locked myself in the stall and cried. for forty-five minutes. my sister would come in and ask me if i was okay and i'd say, "yes, go away." so totally unexpected. by the time i finally emerged from the bathroom, i think every woman in the place knew it was me who was compromising the bathroom stall for almost an hour crying her eyes out. so pitiful. my sister's friend had to drive me home because the tears didn't stop. i told him out of embarrassment, "i'm sorry, i'm just having a really hard time." i went home and slept in the cute nightie i bought to wear for my husband (because that's what you do after you spend the night crying your eyes out in the bathroom at the bar).

the next day, i woke up and made myself eggs with tomatoes from the garden, topped with avocado. drank my coffee in silence. i had heard about sitting with the silence, sitting with my feelings of being alone. it was the strangest feeling, to be able to wake up on my own, make my breakfast and eat it before it got cold, drink my coffee at my own speed, before it got cold. i thought about my disastrous night and realized that the reason i cried was that for the first time in a very long time, no one was at home waiting up for me, expecting me to return. there wasn't a single person who needed me that night. it was such a different feeling than just being out, knowing everyone will be there and life continues on. i knew they needed me but not in the instantaneous way it usually was. it was a very empty feeling.
we got back together after a few weeks, but it turned right back to the way things usually were pretty soon after. with him working out of town so much, i started asking for more help from others. i started letting myself think, feel and really be honest with myself about this whole thing. no one wants a divorce. it's nothing people think about when they get married or are married. for some people, sometimes things just happen one day and it's enough to almost kill them. me...i just learned how to cope a little bit better over time. the kids still go with him, but i'm at a better place now. i'm okay just sitting with these feelings, learning how to feel and know what it is i'm feeling. it's still lonely a lot of times, especially because i am SO used to my little people helping to fill my time up and decide what we do each day. i try to tell my friend who is going through a divorce that it will get easier. better. the tears will stop. it won't hurt so bad. the problem is, you just have no clue when that day is going to come.

in hindsight it is kind of crazy that i was such a wreck. now i have no problem with saying good bye to him. i'll go see a movie by myself or i reach out and make plans so i can enjoy my time. there is definitely a sense of freedom and lightness. honestly, it feels really, really, good now. life really does start the moment you decide to change it. not calling him and begging him to work on things this time around has been the hardest thing i've ever had to do. i just know i will not keep doing this. i do love him and i do miss him, but not the him that was in a relationship with. i miss the idea of him and i. i can differentiate that now. thank God. my freedom is coming and looking back almost 9 months ago, i see i have made such huge progress. i love myself. i value myself. i love all the great unknowns that are on their way. i can keep doing better. i no longer allow my worth be determined by someone else. i do the things i love because they make me feel happy and fulfilled. i do not worry other's perception about the things that make me happy. i make time to do what makes me feel good and spend time with people who care. i almost forgot that one...i used to feel so uncared for. i thought i would be so alone, but the reality is, i feel more cared about than i had in way too long. i see people loving me and caring about me just as i am and that is beautiful.

question: what do you do so that you can see progress, especially that which can be hard to measure? how do you stay focused on making this kind of progress? 

thank you for reading!

smile. it confuses people.

i'm pretty sure once a day i hear someone say (completely baffled), "i just don't know how you do it all, elsa." i'm going to let you in on a little secret: i don't really know how i do it all, either. i just DO. i also hear how with all i have going on, i always look so 'together' and 'calm' and 'at peace.' guess i'm kinda good at confusing people. 

i'm also sure it seems that i'm sitting in my house, constantly thinking about this whole divorce/separation/singleness, i think it's time to reveal that i DO actually think about other things. other very important things. things that actually consume so much of my time and energy, that the only time i can actually think about being single is when all the kids are in bed and i'm sitting in the quiet of my house. 

the truth is, the kids seem alright. they are still loud, still rowdy and still talk over each other and interrupt one another. we still rush to practices, games, the gym for me to work out, appointments, school events and lessons, but the kids? they seem more balanced, in tune with what they need and have become quite self-reliant. after all, as i tell them, i'm only one person and one person can't possibly do it all and i sure as heck shouldn't be doing things for them that they can do for themselves! my oldest, Camron, likes to hang out with me again at night, once the little ones are in bed. my 6.5 year old daughter, Amaija, seems to have grown up and has become far more decisive than she ever has been (you should see the outfits she puts together these days and is so prepared for school, it's almost unbelievable!). she flits around the house, dancing and singing, doing her homework with her older brother at the table. my four year old son, Calvin, has recently been diagnosed with Autism. i won't get into it now, but let's say that for people to notice he is 'calmer' than usual...well, it's a really big deal.  he's getting a little better with getting himself dressed a day here and there. he will brush his teeth. he started an early childhood special ed preschool this week and although he's only been three days, most have been okay. (wait...yesterday he yelled, "i don't want to go to that stupid smelly butthead school anymore!" and then i mentioned maybe he'd like to wear the cape i made him and he willingly rode the bus.) SUCCESS! finally, my baby...she's 2.5 and doesn't want help from anyone. i am so thankful for the preschool program my four year old started because i feel like my Ani and i just don't get time together until now. in the last few days, we have gotten to play and cuddle and go shopping. it's so fun! (and i am caught up on laundry. mostly.)

even with all of this goodness happening, i think and worry a lot. i worry because calvin demands a lot of care and i feel like my other kids get less attention. i get stressed out and exhausted from the constant, heightened awareness i must have just to keep up with him. for example. this morning, the puppy came into my room. i figured it was about 6:30 a.m., that calvin had let her out, and so i picked her up, ready to take her outside. so then i noticed the t.v was on, lights were on, a half eaten package of Oreos was on the table and then i noticed a sleeping little boy on the couch, curled up in a ball. i checked the clock and it was 4:30 a.m. and the movie had been running for over an hour. how i did not hear calvin wake up at that time of the night is a mystery. guess he wanted to party and was down for some alone time. (this morning he told me he ate 10 Oreos and then three more). awesome. 

i worry because i can't help cam with his homework as i would like or that the oldest two don't practice violin enough because it's just too crazy some days. i worry that i'm spread too thin. i don't doubt that i have enough love for all of them, i worry that i don't have it in me to do this day in and day out. but, i know i can because i do. i worry about money, myself, sleeping, if i can handle the puppy, how i will work, cooking good meals, how i will keep up with everything plus laundry and cleaning bathrooms. never mind the duvet cover i set out to sew and hardly work on...seriously, i'm constantly thinking about how it's all going to work out. so far, it just has.

some days i realize i haven't washed my hair in a few days and even if i'm just going to the gym, i must shower before. i leave a lot of messes in order to get out of the house on time, even if it is for Pilates and not a real appointment. the kitchen can wait. sometimes i find a really wet Pull-Up at the bottom of the laundry basket that someone sent down the chute and i cringe with disgust. i know frozen pizza is a terrible dinner, but some days, i just can't get dinner figured out in my head ahead of time. there are days cam walks to my sister's house between school sports and traveling team practice. thankfully my kids are pretty understanding.

i just want to do it all just right. i don't want to fail my kids as their mom. i don't want my kids to ever feel like i wasn't there for them. my girls get no shortage of attention, it is just very clear to me that the attention that each of them gets is very different and i am thankful that i am able to meet their needs. maybe i'm just too hard on myself and set my own standards as a mom far too high. i don't believe that being a single mom is a bad thing. my mom told me that my house looked the best she had seen it in a while and that the house just felt peaceful. (thanks mom). when the days seem too rushed and the kids seem a little too crazy, i slow down. i stop trying to 'get things done' and sit with them. we might make big huge messes, but we have yummy soups with craggy-cut veggies in them and really yummy cookies in the end. maybe i'm doing more than just something right.

how did this happen?

i've been blown away lately at the number of people who have reached out to me regarding their relationships. i can't figure it out, besides that i am openly talking about my own marriage struggles. i sure don't claim to know everything or to have the answers to why relationships fail. i don't know the answers as to how to save marriages and i sure as hell don't know how each of us got to this crossroad. unfortunately, we are all struggling to figure out what to do and it saddens me that so many of us are dealing with this, but maybe when we find someone going through something similar, we just want to talk about it. what strikes me even more is that all of us have children, the youngest being somewhere between 2 and 3 years old. have we all just focused so much on the children and divvy-ing up the house and baby duties that by the time they are out of diapers and nighttime wakings, we have just lost touch with who we are, beyond moms and dads?

i never understood what really happened with us. i still don't. i'm not sure at this point i care. what can it change anyway for my current (former?) relationship? in the future i'd be happy to figure it out, but right now, i'm kind of in survival mode. right now, i need to work on loving myself better. maybe i should be figuring out why i make bad men choices so that i do better in the future.

yesterday, after all these days of feeling like i was doing so great, i sort of had a very bad day. i felt weak, like i just could not mother any more for the day and that i wanted to disappear under my covers of my bed. i felt like i was failing my kids and myself. i felt like the picture right there of that crazy lady yelling STOP!!! a million questions raced through my mind. how am i going to keep up the mortgage? how am i going to pay my car note? who is going to fix things when they break in this house? if i get this part time job, how am i going to get my son to his special preschool programs when he has to be there at the same time as my hours will be? who is ever going to want to date a mom with four kids, who has been divorced twice? (minor issue for a much later day, i know, but it's there). ON AND ON AND ON.

then my mom called. she asked me what was wrong and i tried to tell her, but i realized i wasn't crying for myself. i realized i was so sad so many wonderful women were also going through this and these are only the ones i know about! there must be more! then i told her my worries. she told me she didn't have a job when she divorced my dad, but she had to do it. it was time. she said there were days that were so hard, she would literally read the Bible every ten minutes because she didn't know what else to do. she said all she could do was love us, to remember we were precious gifts from God (not a burden), that we depended on her and so she had no choice but to keep going, even when she wanted to quit right then and there.

as i lay in bed with covers over my head, wanting to quit, i uncovered my head. i wiped my face, told myself it was time to get up out of bed, stop being so hard on my precious gifts from God, that my anger or situation is not their fault. it was time to put my big girl pants on and do the thing i was born to do. be a mom. be me. do the things that make me happy so that i can stop feeling so sad and so worried. it's hard to be strong all the time. everyone thinks i'm so strong. so balanced. so at peace. so settled. "super mom" they say. that's a lot to live up to! the truth is, i am those things a lot of the time, but a lot of the time i'm restless, i'm worried, i'm afraid and i certainly don't want to have failed my children or myself.

we have choices. we choose to separate ourselves from the person who is hurting us, who is bringing us down. we choose to move forward with a divorce and we choose to live with our decisions. they are not always easy but we have to do it. i will choose to surround myself with people who love me and want to see me succeed, not fail. i woke up this morning and the sun rose to a clear blue sky. i opened the curtains like usual and the sun filled my house. the kids were calm. i thought to myself,i can do this. i can do hard things. i have always been good at figuring things out and being strong. i deserve better and so do my kids.and so i do. all the things i worry about will fall into place and in time will hardly be anything more than a memory. after writing this, i just found thisopen letter to moms who want to quit. it's beautiful and i love it. 

  the thing is that when we get to the point of divorce or separation, it is easy to feel desperate to try and 'fix' the things we feel we can fix in our broken relationship. the desperation is intense. it's easy to not remember the things that led up to this point, all those really uncomfortable, sad moments of being let down, ignored and unwanted. many express that they went to their husbands hoping they would do their part and hear them out, but were pushed away or not taken seriously. if those things hadn't happened, we wouldn't be where we are now. be realistic and know you are not alone. this did not happen suddenly and it took two. my dad says, "I'm not telling you what to do, but it seems like it's time to make a decision and stick to it and move forward." he's tired of seeing me hurt and knowing i've tried and been patient hoping for change. 
when these women have shared with me their stories of marriage trouble and have questions for me once they know i am in a similar situation, i notice how the words seemingly tumble from their mouths and then a definite sense of relief settles on their faces, as though they haven't shared this information yet. i wonder how can they think that i know what i am talking about when they ask me questions about why this happens, when clearly, i am no expert. in my opinion, i am only an expert in picking up the pieces of my own life and making it better. regardless of how separations or divorce 'happens,' one thing i know...this is no ideal situation for anyone, but i think maybe none of us is looking for true answers, but rather support from other women going through it too.