one day at a time

                    Grace is the face love wears when it sees imperfection. ~Joseph R. Cooke

soon after husband moved back home, i was given some news. i won't get into the 'news'
as it's not mine to share. i will say that it was unexpected and devastating for me and i came very close to a breaking point. we had been doing so, so well. my heart was overflowing, i felt that it might burst just from the pure ease of our life. i'd been longing for EASE in my life for so long. then, bam. The News. it crippled me and i barely pulled through my days. i couldn't eat. i couldn't sleep. i couldn't look at him. i wanted to hole up in my room and not come out. but my babies needed me and so i did. thank god for them. some days were alright, some were awful. the nights were the worst and i cried in ways i have never cried before. angry, hurt, resentment, sadness, fear, love. all of it at once. talk about intense.

then i just started giving it up to God. it's all i could do. now and then i'd have questions i thought i wanted answered, but i learned soon enough that the answers, or even verbalizing my questions out loud, were so painful that i just stopped asking. i might have those thoughts, but as i was taught in meditation, acknowledge the thought and don't dwell on it. he's fighting for me, for us. i could see that and i decided i had to deal with things differently. that's when i decided i had to give more grace, for him and for me. i had to look for and find the good. somewhere, in all the bad, is always good. i felt like the message i was getting from God was to just love, as hard as it might be sometimes, and keep looking for the good and that everything would work out the way it was supposed to. so i did. i'm not a Bible verse memorizer so i'm not going to spout out some Bible verse that somehow justifies my decision or what verse is giving me strength. my Bible is about messages, whole messages, not chopped up for me to use verses here and there. the days since then have been a mixture of things. i've been timid and unsure...waiting for it to fall apart completely again. i've been strong and awesome, ready to kick the day's ass, confident that all will be well. and i've had regular days where things just ARE.

mostly, even on the timid, unsure, meek elsa days, i end up only finding love. it's so hard to boil it down to that one thing, but everything else is done within LOVE. appreciating what the other does and being able to put that into words and share them with the other person. seeing him do things i know he doesn't necessarily enjoy, but somehow finding joy within those menial things. cleaning gutters in the rain? not anyone's idea of a fun time, but he saw the silver lining when it started to rain super hard...he didn't have to drag the hose around to wash them out. (and he didn't complain about having to do the gutters, which i definitely would have!) taking my 7 year old out for an early 6 am breakfast and then to get on her bus to go to her summer program so i could sleep a little longer. hearing sweet voicemails that tell me how i compliment his life in so many ways and make things so much better for him (compared to when we were apart). there are even days when i feel nothing at all and i know i just have to get through and tomorrow will be a new day. that's okay, too.

i feel heard and understood. words of appreciation go SO.FAR. when i have a hard day now and then, i just tell him. he doesn't try to change how i feel, he just accepts it and apologizes and asks what he can do to help. we talk more. A LOT more. we spend more quality time together, sometimes it isn't the long conversations we have other times, but even taking ten minutes shows we care. everything he says feels like there is more truth, more meaning, more love behind the words. many times the truth in my words might sting or hurt a little more than other times, but i'm done with keeping things in. it hasn't gotten me anywhere good. last weekend there were a couple of regular old moments where i was watching him with the kids and in the house. my heart swelled and i teared up. it just felt good and right. later i told him about that and he thought i was being sarcastic. UGH. obviously i am not that great with expressing myself in spoken words. i have some work to do, too! when i told him i was serious, he was so relieved it wasn't a joke. i'm not quite sure how one would joke about that kind of stuff, but i suppose there are those that might do that, and i know there are those (me) that just don't say those super important things.

reunited and on a date

we haven't always been in this place. we won't always be in this exact place. i just sort of feel like we are building a new foundation...a new level of understanding, giving up control, giving up the anger, giving up the negative shit. because that's really what all the bad stuff is, shit...it's just icky, nasty stuff that poisons a relationship. we are focusing on appreciation, love, goal setting and working together on everything, one moment, one day at a time.

love one more time

for anyone who has been following my blog or knows me personally, my journey in the last year (or 32 years) has been nothing short of hard. i've had many ups and downs, ins and outs, laughter and tears.  i've been given the opportunity to show myself that i am still strong. i have found a couple of things that i enjoy a lot more than i thought i did. i've become inspired to do more, to live with my arms wide open, take me or leave me. it's been confusing. it's been dark and terrifying. i've found beauty and courage, even in the darkest times. i've been reminded of the abundant love i am surrounded by daily in my friends, my family and my children. i've been given grace because i'm not always the easiest person to be around, especially when life is so incredibly challenging. i've been given the strength to carry on, day in and day out, caring for four magnificent children (magnificent and full of the ability to wear me right out)! i've been shown that even when i doubt myself and my ability to continue doing 'this,' i actually CAN do it. i can persevere and thrive. i've found a true spiritual home and continually feel filled up, overwhelmed and thankful FOR every new day that i'm given to do better for myself and my kids. this place humbles me and opens me up for more love. i'm reminded that we all deserve a second chance. or maybe a hundredth chance at whatever it is we are struggling to figure out. we are all human and make mistakes, but we are also able to keep working to do better.

may 28 would have been the fifth month since my husband and i separated. nothing ever felt so real in all my life. nothing was ever harder than those five months that we were separated. unless, of course, you count the year we spent completely apart when he moved to florida for a promotion and we could not find a place to live there. those were some long months back then too, with an infant, a 2 year old, 4 year old and a 10 year old. not to mention the snowiest winter we had had in years.

thankfully may 28 will not mark a full fifth month of us being separated. instead we will be in vegas together for a weekend away. it's funny how fast things can change...or seem to change. the thing is, all along, things have been changing. the way we took care of ourselves, the way we communicated, didn't communicate, fought, loved, parented, our outlook on life, and overall, lived. the way things have changed have allowed us both to grow as individuals, strengthening our ability to be together in a relationship. we've been able to have some really great healing conversations in the last couple weeks. in my opinion, it's sort of like a new relationship. it's the first time that i feel we took the time we both needed to heal, grow, take care of ourselves and learn to work together. the truth is, our marriage has not been one where we were actually living together all of the time. for the first year or so, he worked here in town. the second year he went to florida for 8 months. the last year and half, he has been traveling extensively for his current position. we have definitely had our share of relationship hardships. everything really pushed our relationship aside and we pushed each other aside unintentionally. needless to say, we have been given another chance to love each other and be married. there's a reason neither of us filed for divorce. maybe it was time, maybe it was money, maybe it was trying to figure out all the details. who knows. but those things interfered enough to keep us from divorce and for that, i am thankful. i've been given another chance and i must show up.

as i was learning to live life as a single mom, i learned some (i think) valuable lessons that can be applied to any relationship...

~the second person starts the fight. you can't fight alone. if you decide to argue, you have started the fight, as it was your choice. choose your battles wisely!
~each person has their role...even if both of you work, there are other ways you have different, important roles. allow each of you to have those roles and appreciate the other for the things they do for the relationship/family/etc.
~soften up...it's okay to let that wall come down and be vulnerable. start small if you have to, but it's an important step to strengthen the trust you have with the other person.
~really listen to what the other person is trying to say. not everybody is going to come out and say exactly what they mean. if you're not sure, ask questions. listen with your heart and your ears. 
~look for the ways the other person shows they love you. maybe it's having the laundry done so you don't have to worry about it. maybe it's cooking dinner for the family when they are home/able to so you don't have to. maybe they pick up a magazine/book/coffee that they know you like as a sweet reminder they were thinking of you. it's possible these things don't happen often, but find them. they are there.
~encourage them. appreciate them. love them. accept them. be humble.
~show affection/intimacy/love...hugs, kisses, back rub, love notes, calls to say you appreciate all they do. 
~learn to say 'i'm sorry' and mean it. hard to do, yet easy enough if you let your pride go.

i'm sure there are more, but these are good starts that cost nothing and take you far together.

i could easily be a big, big mess right now. i could be pushing forward with a divorce i didn't really want because i had a point to prove. i could be fighting, hating, arguing and angry. instead, i am being brave, finding courage to be open and honest, forgiving and learning to trust. i'm also scared, but i know there's a reason we've been given another chance to figure this out. recognizing my fear gives me courage to keep on. maybe this is it and it will be (semi) smooth sailing from here on out. the unknown is okay now. i usually get a little anxious when i don't know what is going to happen. i also usually close up and keep my distance so as to avoid being hurt again. i don't want that kind of life. i want a life of love and living fully. my newest friend, who is like my separated-at-birth-sister, has taught me so many things this past year. i fully believe that people come into our lives when we need them most. we met in my front yard with me crying about my life, mowing in my work clothes. like so many others, she has held my hand and been by my side. the difference is she did it and allowed me to be who i am without apology. as i was wondering if i'd totally blown my chance at a friendship by saying too much on first meeting, she was in her house feeling freed by me being so open, thankful that i WAS so open! i guess it really does pay to take these kinds of chances. i want to live a life full of these kinds of relationships, including the one with my husband. i always thought i was too broken to share any of that with anyone. i thought those things would not just push, but DRIVE them away, fast and fierce. i couldn't be more wrong. those are the relationships worth having! so far, it's going well with husband and i. i find myself holding back now and then, but it doesn't stay. i push through and share. the silly details of our lives do nothing to bring us closer. so i encourage you to dive deeper, share more, trust and love. i told husband i didn't want to talk about my day running kids around...those details are so COMPLETELY boring and mundane. i want to talk about the things that will strengthen our bond, so we understand each other better.

he called me the other day to thank me for taking care of everything all of the time. for having the laundry done all the time so he could focus on work, which is really busy right now, and also the kids who he doesn't see as much because of work. he thanked me for doing such a good job with everything. it was really, really nice to hear and to feel validated, as there are many days when it feels like my day is on repeat...wondering if this jean skirt i'm about to wash can really be dirty because, didn't i just wash it two days ago?!

i don't know where this road will take us, but it cannot possibly be any worse than the last year. it might be harder, but i can do hard. just not worse. hard can still be good and i'll gladly take that because that means work is being done.

living out loud

last night i went to hear Glennon Doyle from Momastery.com. i got a pre-print copy of her book Carry On, Warrior months ago. i was ecstatic to hear her speak on suffering and faith and healing. although our stories aren't all the same, i could relate to so many of them. for example, when i was age 7 (or so), my sister told me i was fat. maybe i never became bulimic, but i remember crying. she brought me a teddy bear. to this day i remember thinking, does she really think this changes things? i've since forgiven my sister, but i've come out of it learning i don't want gifts as a form of apology. it doesn't work for me.

as my very close friend and neighbor, Ariana, walked in to the church where Glennon was speaking, i was plotting my response to the email my husband had sent and i felt the need to respond, strongly. we found our seats and i started replying and as i found myself struggling to find the words i needed to repute what he was saying, Glennon said something about not to fight back. and it hit me! i stopped right then and there, deleted what i was working on and finished up with the email cordially and with no fighting. after all, i knew i was so tired of fighting, so why would i continue with this? so as ariana and i were sitting listening to Glennon finishing up her talk, i knew i wanted to say SOMETHING, during the Q & A... i just wasn't sure what. finally it came to me. i leaned over to Ariana and said, "I know what i want to say!" she said, "GO!" So i walked my sassy-self up there to the microphone, in my cream high healed wedges, cuffed skinny jeans, thin white sweater and light turquoise colored bracelet, heart racing and stood and waited. the pastor announced i would be the last one to comment. great, i thought, i better make this good! (FYI, this is not exactly what i said, but here's why i had to say something)

a year ago, i found myself a working, single mom of four. my husband had left for the second time that year. he left two more times last year and finally after Christmas, i told him not to come back anymore. so last spring, i came home from work and the grass was long. i got the lawn mower out and started mowing, in my work clothes, bare foot, because who has time to change shoes or clothes. i soon noticed my neighbor (ariana) walking down the street and kept thinking, maybe she won't come talk to me. maybe if i don't notice her, she won't stop! well, she DID stop. she had a few kids with her and asked me how i was. little did she know she was opening the flood gates. "i'm fine", i said, "my husband left (again) recently and i just have to get the lawn mowed." she said, "are you sure it's over?" and i said, "yes, i'm sure." the tears started flowing, her kids just sort of looked at me, this crazy lady, crying in her yard with her lawn mower and yard waste barrel sitting there. mind you, this was only my second time meeting these people! i had nothing else to offer but ME. the real live me. all the good, the bad and the ugly. and she and i bonded immediately. there was no turning back. my ugly story was out and by then, i figured i'd lost a chance at a friend (because who wants a train wreck for a friend?). i was worried i would not be fine. but i AM fine. but i have not ALWAYS been fine. i had my first son at 19 and was so scared telling my family. when i told my grandparents, it took me HOURS. literally! my grandpa looked around at all of us and said, "she's going to be fine. THEY are going to be fine." and i was. little did i know, that little, teary filled conversation opened up a friendship that was bigger than i ever imagined possible. the shallow friendship never existed. i showed her the real me from the start and there was no going back. our friendship had no place to go but deeper and i have realized she is like an angel to me. every body is put into our lives for a reason. after much of my life being told that i should watch what i say, that people don't want to hear about the bad stuff, that it makes them uncomfortable, i found out that actually, the opposite was true. that we could connect on a truer level than i ever thought possible if i just didn't hold back.

i wanted to thank Glennon for being brave and sharing her not-so-pretty stories because in my opinion, the not-so-pretty stories are better and more heartfelt than the perfect ones and that until i stumbled upon her blog and Facebook page, i was always editing who i was and what i said, for fear of offending someone. rest assured, i was crying right away, within the first 30 seconds of speaking and my eyes were dancing in my head and i felt like i couldn't see anything correctly. maybe it was fear for saying my truth because it would make people uncomfortable, maybe it was out of fear because i was speaking in front of a few hundred people. who knows. all i know is i ended by thanking her for being brave and sharing. i told her she inspired me to share who i am and to live out loud, to live with my arms wide open, saying "here i am." she clasped her hands together, put them to her heart and walked down to me to hug me, and as she did, she mouthed to me, "carry on, warrior." the whole place was clapping and standing. surreal.

i didn't mean to take her spotlight. i simply wanted to thank her for being an inspiration to me through a very difficult time. i shared how lonely it is to be sitting besides someone you adore and love, yet feel more lonely than if you were sitting there alone by yourself. she and her book, validated my belief that my desire and need to share my stories, pretty and not-so-pretty and everything in between, is alright because it helps me and also might just help someone else. her stories helped me to identify what i was feeling that was missing in my relationship with my husband...depth. what i loved so much was everyone feels and experiences life's greatest emotions the same, it's the details that are not the same. everyone experiences joy, love, pain, suffering, happiness. do the details really matter? it's the details that cause us to feel that we are lacking and thus, cause us to feel isolated and alone. the best, most wonderful thing that i have seen come out of this stage in my life is that when i felt most alone, confused and desperate for true relationships, my people came out of the woodwork. they lifted me up, supported me, helped me and loved me. for me. with all my messiness. PROOF that i am just as lovable messy as i am nice and neat and predictable. i can be who i am and still be loved.

all my life, i was known for sharing the stories no one wanted told about them. like the time my mom took me and my sisters on a canoe trip to the BWCA and we got stuck going through a shallow canal. my mom got up and stood on a rock and us three girls just sat there, looking up at her, when she said, "maybe if you got your fat asses out of the canoe, we wouldn't be stuck!" it's funny now and we can all laugh at it, but my mom feeling embarrassed, is an understatement as to how she felt when i first shared this story to her book group. let's just say, they still talk about it...in good humor of course. i also get told i'm too intense for most people, which is disheartening because my intensity, partnered with someone else's intensity (about something, not relationship-wise) would be a force to be reckoned with if given a chance.




my story is not a pretty one. it isn't easy, simple or so-called perfect. within my short 32 years, i have lived through more experiences than most will experience in a life time. i don't regret a single moment of it as this is my truth. i am not ashamed. i don't know why coming out of and living through a not-so-perfect life would be considered 'persevering through adversity' by some because for many, it's just been the life they were given and for those of us with a life like this, we don't know it any other way. although it has not been easy, i can say for certain, i would not have wanted it any other way. not for one second. i am emotional, intense, intelligent, loving, kind, fun, reserved, passionate and nurturing. i am a mom, a sister, aunt and friend. i want to continue to share my story out loud because for me, i've never felt freer than i do today.

soothing the soul

when things are kind of topsy turvy and feel kinda crazy, that's my cue. slow down, get comfy and do some major soothing of the soul. my kids seem to be 'off' lately (not gonna lie, i'm feeling quite cabin feverish and also crazy). our winter is dragging on and on and on here in minnesota and honestly, it's beginning to affect me. it's also times like this that i try to go back to a simpler way of being. yummy, filling homemade soups. sitting and reading on the couch. cuddling. playing games and just being together. confession: even with all these nice no pressure days, my kids are STILL driving me bonkers, even though i'm trying to slow down and just do fun things with them. lately i find myself saying, "i am the boss around here!" to my two year old who thinks she's the boss. she will even TELL you she's the boss by saying, "i'm the boss in my house!" i think she's spending a little too much time with someone...ah-hem. :) also, i could REALLY really use a vacation. 

in what feels like head-spinning madness, i've been trying to take time to keep up with the traditions i've created for me and my kids. one of my most favorite traditions for us is Sunday Night Snacks. yep, that's what we call it. sundays are always my day to re-group and get ready for the week. almost every Sunday we go to church. our church is amazing. really. i try not to get all churchy and preachy about how great it is, but i find i can't really help myself. i've never in my life been a part of a church that i felt this way about. most sundays, i find myself so overwhelmed, renewed and my heart filled right up, that i cry. not sobbing, but the tears come and i get choked up. i feel like i'm given a new chance to be a good mom, a good friend and a good person. i'm ready to take on my week ahead. my kids love sunday school and my oldest enjoys youth group. it really is a win for all of us. then we go home, hang out, clean and do whatever. sometimes there are play dates, but usually we are just home. we get in pjs early and we make snacks. the kids LOVE sunday nights! we make air popped popcorn, cut up fruit, ants on a log, cheese and crackers and often i let the kids have some input as to what we have. we carry it all downstairs to the family room and hang out, talk, play, watch a family friendly show. it gets messy usually but that's what vacuums are for, right? it's just a really great way to end the weekend and start the week. when we don't do it, the kids are pretty disappointed. we didn't have sunday night snacks last night so we had them tonight (monday). it definitely did not go over quite as well. they kept asking me what was for dinner. did they really just think it was all just a snack? the kids ended up having a PB & J before bed because apparently, snacks for dinner on a monday never happens and so therefore, dinner didn't happen. 

sunday night snacks didn't start with me. the story i've been told is my grandma (mom's mom) would cook a big sunday dinner and didn't want to cook again, so they started having popcorn and light snacks at night. this was probably about 50 years ago! my mom and dad did them with us and now we all do them with our kids. even though my dad and mom got divorced when i was little, my dad still has popcorn on sunday nights. pretty cool, if you ask me. i love having little things like this that the kids look forward to...things that are a constant even though dad has moved out.

some other intentional things (although maybe not traditions) i try to do are: no cell phone in my hands during story time, bedtime and meal time. everyone can help prepare a part of the meal and we all eat meals together. i make an effort to have everyone go to the other's important events; sports games, concerts, open houses at school, violin recitals, preschool performances. you name it, we are all there if possible. when it's time to clean, each kid has their own special jobs to do so they feel like an important, valued part of the family. we can all help one another. laundry is a family event (everyone folds their own)! i must be doing something right because i caught my 2.5 year old cleaning the potty one day with her baby wipes and man, was she proud! we also turn the music up and have dance parties. sometimes i turn on folky music and just listen and let it do some work on my heart.

i realize many families do the same sort of things, but my hope is to create a sense of continuity...just because dad moved out, doesn't mean we have to stop doing the things we enjoy. but, because dad moved out, mom needs help with certain things. i try to not do the things they can do for themselves and when i see they can do more, i give them more responsibilities. i am trying to teach them that we are a family and as siblings, they are each other's first friends. i am working on them learning that we do things for others because it makes the other person feel good, because we won't like everything we ever do, but it is worth it to see someone else feel important, loved and worthwhile. i tell them i am only one person, so when we are able to help, we have to pitch in or everything will fall apart. we are a team and if only one team member is doing the work, the team isn't really a team. we want all of us to be successful as individuals and as a family. i really try to get them to understand that we love each other and that is the most important thing ever because no one can take us away from our family. i must say it often, because my four year old always says, "why do you ALWAYS say that?!" and i answer, "Because it is THAT important." they don't know it, but they will thank me one day. we all have some healing to do and this is just the place to do that and they already seem to be doing better.  

what are some of your favorite (non-holiday) everyday traditions that help you slow down and stay connected to your children? 

mom, i peed in your bed.

there's nothing quite like waking up to your four year old son saying, ''mom...i peed in your bed.'' i quickly told him to get up and go change, which he did, while i lay there with a sleeping 2.5 year old snoring next to me on my right side. as i lay there stuck on my side, i thought to myself, "well at least he told you before you rolled over and figured it out that way." it really is the little things, people.

so, my four year old son is not 100% potty trained, you see. he needs a lot of reminders all day long and was not really doing very well at night with Pull-Ups staying dry so when we ran out, i ran to Target to buy more. i decided to buy those pads that stick to their sheets instead of Pull-Ups. he did pretty well for a few nights, until last night, that is. also, i wasn't really thinking that i wouldn't be putting the pee pad in my bed. guess i didn't really think this whole thing through.

they love sleeping together

calvin (on the left) always comes in during the night to sleep with me (or us, before my ex moved out for the last time). calvin claims he "never EVER gets to sleep with me," which is a very big understatement and a very hard argument to win at 2 in the morning. before husband moved out after Christmas, we shared a queen size bed in the not-so-huge master bedroom in our not-so-big rambler style house. husband is a pretty big guy (6'2'', 250 lbs) so my share of the bed was never a whole lot, but then you add a four year old to the space and, as of last summer, a 2 year old, and mama ends up with the two year old wrapped in her arm, balancing herself and the little one from falling off the bed, while the boys sleep comfortably on the rest of the bed. squishing mom off to the side wasn't really an intentional thing, as most co-sleeping families/parents with small night visitors know, but nonetheless, i'm good at sleeping in one spot all night.

now, when husband moved out, i would lay in our bed, in our room that felt completely empty, and i swear every sound echoed. i knew behind his closet door was an empty closet. i knew inside his dresser were empty drawers. i still laid in my same space in the bed and perfected not falling off my bed in the night when i had two small night visitors even though there was really plenty of space now in that bed. i decided one night i could not stay in that room. i didn't want that bed, i didn't want anything to do with the one place that would constantly remind me that he used to be there and now was not. that room felt empty and lonely and strange now. i felt like i was laying in another person's bedroom and i didn't belong. my girls were squished in their bedroom now that anja was out of her crib and in a twin bed, so i decided then and there that they would move into the master bedroom and i'd move into their smaller room.

my mom and step dad brought my brass bed over from when i was little. my FULL size brass bed. i didn't care that it was a full size bed. maybe it'd force me to train the kids to sleep in their own beds. my girls had a very colorful bedroom and i would cry looking at 'my' room, with green on the bottom half of the walls, a hot pink stripe around the room and purple at the top, with my childhood bed in there. it felt so ridiculous. i was going to CLAIM MY SPACE, have it beautiful and cozy and MINE. i bought paint and painted that room in a couple days. i found a duvet cover pattern so i ran out and bought fabric and started cutting the pieces out right away. the paint color isn't EXACTLY what i wanted and

my duvet cover isn't finished quite yet (i've got the front done!), but it's mine and it doesn't feel lonely or echoey. i have a 'little bed' set up next to my bed on the floor (crib mattress made up with lots of blankets) for when anja comes in. the truth is, no one sleeps down there and i'm too tired to enforce my nighttime rules. hey, i'm only ONE PERSON. the one person my kids want to sleep with. one night i told anja to sleep on the little bed because "this is what we do. we sleep. because mamas with no sleep are crabby." and she said, "okay mama. i'll sleep down here. because this is what we do. we sleep." yes baby. we sleep. BUT then she popped up and said very exasperated, "if i sleep down here, i can't put my hand on your chest." i said, "you don't NEED to put your hand on me!" her two year old reasoning was, "yes i DO, mama. i have to because i have hands." how do you argue with that?! she climbed on up, we snuggled up and i hung on to the side of my full size bed while the boy slept soundly beside me with plenty of space. sigh.


maybe i need one of these. especially if one day i have to move out of this house and into something smaller...i'm pretty sure the kids wouldn't mind!! i'm also thinking they might still end up in my bed...but when it is all said and done, all kids learn to be independent sleepers. my oldest crept in to sleep with me until age 6 and my second slept with me until she was about 4, when my pregnant belly was too big for more people in the bed.



while i know it won't last forever and i don't always enjoy having a couple of kids in my bed with me every night, waking up stiff because i haven't moved in 8 hours and sometimes i wake up to wet sheets, i'm thankful for them for helping me keep my bed warm(er), for my 2.5 year old daughter who puts her little hand on my chest to fall asleep like she did when she was nursing, and i'm super thankful they feel so safe in my bed with me (even though we're squished). i don't know that i want to take that from them when their lives are being turned upside down. my space isn't entirely mine as i had envisioned, yet it is sacred anyway. it is sacred because they come to me to be loved. and that says it all. love is sacred.

i owned this day.

image from mayhemandmuse.com

today was a kind of a big day for me as a single mama. it was our first major holiday with no daddy around. what's more is the kids didn't even seem to mind that he wasn't there. if they did, they didn't talk about it once we left for church. there was so much symbolism in my day today, it was kind of overwhelming at times. today we celebrated Jesus' rising from the dead, new life and for me, new beginnings. today we celebrated the miracle of new life. that from the dead cold of winter, plants come back to life. the kids were thankful, appreciative and (mostly) loving to each other. i put up my favorite decoration to hang outside my door...it's a hummingbird. the hummingbird, which in many cultures is symbolic of resurrection and new life as well, because in climates where it becomes too cold sometimes, they seem to die and then come back to life when it warms up. it's called torpor and it's a survival strategy. i didn't know of the symbolism until recently. it's pretty amazing how fitting things can be without even trying to make it happen.

Easter. the kids woke up around 7 a.m. (thank you, kids), woke up the oldest, who wasn't grumpy being up at 7, and found their baskets. they were pretty disappointed the Easter bunny didn't leave much candy, but they got over it when i told them grandma would have a candy hunt and they'd end up with plenty. anyway, the two little ones both had accidents over night (of course) and so i had to bathe all three younger kids. knowing we were on a tight schedule to make it to 9 a.m. mass, i had to have a good system. i got them in and out of the tub and dressed, sent them to the van with their new books and coloring kits while i got dressed and ready to go by 8:20. (these are the things you do so you can get ready as fast as possible). am i superwoman? probably. 

as i was sitting on the off ramp to church, my friend (who is also in the midst of a divorce) was texting me.

friend: Happy Easter to my beautiful friend!!
me: Happy Easter to you too! hope you have a wonderful first single mama easter!
friend: thanks:) you too!! we will be just fine. i know this. 
me: i hope so. i'm terrified. i gave him the child support papers last night. shit just got real. (lol) But look at it this way. we celebrate new life on Easter. what a perfect first holiday as single moms. A new life!!
friend: it is perfect and els, we are so strong, we can do it and we have each other.
me: you are making me cry! 
friend: don't cry, you have your kids and your family and your friends and me :-)

she's right. she's that kind of friend. she has a category of her own. not family, not friends. she's both. by choice. i don't know that there's a name for that kind of friend, but she's amazing and i don't know what i'd do without her. it's not that i want to go through a divorce or see my friend go through the hell of divorce either, but if i had to pick a friend to go through it all with, it'd be her. i'm so thankful i have someone i can talk to who understands it all.



we barely made it, but we did. the church was packed for family mass, but we got to sit on the steps to the side of the alter and the kids got great seats to see the baby animals a farmer brings in each Easter. my 4 year old, Calvin, brought his gold coin chocolates in his shirt pocket and he was sharing them with his sisters while the baby animals were out. we sang Morning Has Broken and i teared up as it was the song my grandpa used to sing to us to wake us up in the mornings. i can still see him with his arms spread out and singing as loud as he could. he was the best grandpa i could've ever asked for...i saw his strength when i told my grandparents i was pregnant at the age of 19. after about two hours of trying to find the right moment, i did it. while everyone was in complete dismay and thought i'd never finish college or that i was too young and i was ruining my life, he looked at me, looked around at everyone else, back to me, and nodding his head, said, "she will be just fine." he's the grandpa my 4 year old is named after, who was born the day after he died (in a different year).
to end a great Easter mass, all four kids cooperated and i got a nice picture of them all. together. smiling. looking sweet. there were no meltdowns. YES!!

sometimes it's hard to wake up to another day, knowing that as a single mom i am doing the job of two. knowing that there are going to be kids wondering if they will see daddy today. it's hard because i don't know if it will ever get easier or if i just get used to it, so it seems easier. i don't think married people with kids can understand how crazy it is to be a single parent. no one can really understand how it feels to suddenly have to do IT ALL, all yourself. my sister's husband was sick for a while with a bad flu, so she wanted to keep their newborn and their 2 year old out of the house while he was at his worst. she told me how hard it was and how she had a new appreciation of what i do as a single mom of four kids, that she didn't know how i did it and she only has two kids. all i know is that tomorrow is another day, a new day to try to handle things a little better than i did today. i try to wake up each day and claim the day as mine.

I OWNED THIS DAY. i am reclaiming my life and have decided once and for all that my happiness is not decided by anyone else but me. i could've felt sorry for myself all day and let him not being here ruin my approach to the day, but i didn't. like the hummingbird coming out of torpor, my muscles will twitch, my heartbeat will begin to beat a little faster, a little harder. i will wake up from survival mode and seek what gives me energy to keep me going every day. and once all of this happens, i will have what i need to be the best mama, friend, sister and me that i know i can be.

p.s. in case you don't know the words or it's been a while, here are the lyrics to the song my grandpa always sang.

Morning Has Broken- Cat Stevens

  Morning has broken, like the first morning. 

                                                 Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird. 
                                               Praise for the singing, praise for the morning, 
                                             Praise for them springing fresh from the Word. 

                                              Sweet the rain's new fall, sunlight from heaven. 
                                                   Like the first dewfall, on the first grass. 
                                                Praise for the sweetnes of the wet garden, 
                                             Sprung in completeness where His feet pass. 

                                               Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning. 
                                                   Born of the one light Eden saw play. 
                                               Praise with elation, praise every morning; 
                                                      God's recreation of the new day. 

                                              Morning has broken, like the first morning. 
                                              Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird. 
                                            Praise for the singing, praise for the morning, 
                                            Praise for them springing fresh from the Word.

progress!

last summer, my (ex) husband and i split up (for the third time that year). i was pretty convinced i couldn't wouldn't get on that roller coaster any more. every time was more confusing than the last. i got tired of trying to pick up the pieces, explaining why daddy wasn't sleeping at our house, where he was or why they were sleeping somewhere else that weekend. i was ready (i thought) to be done with the whole thing because it was just too painful.

i felt invaluable. i felt disposable. i felt unlovable. i felt like what i did (still do) for our family was such important work and i didn't get why or how he couldn't also see the value in what i do. i felt like the what if's in my head were going to make me crazy! friends kept telling me that no matter what i did, it wasn't right. that it seemed i was in a lose-lose situation. my heart felt like it was being squeezed and stabbed with a sharp knife at the same time. i felt like a little bit of me was dying every day, like a flower losing its petals.

the first weekend he had our two kids, my daughter was at her dad's. my son was with friends for the weekend. since i was free and my sister had plans to go see a band that was playing at a local place, i invited myself to go along. i got all ready, felt like i looked really good and i was ready to do something social.

so there we were, sitting in the bar, having a drink. i look up at my sister and she mouths to me, "why are you crying?" i stood up quickly (because i hadn't even realized i was crying...haha...i can laugh about it now), walked my 'i look really good' walk to the bathroom and locked myself in the stall and cried. for forty-five minutes. my sister would come in and ask me if i was okay and i'd say, "yes, go away." so totally unexpected. by the time i finally emerged from the bathroom, i think every woman in the place knew it was me who was compromising the bathroom stall for almost an hour crying her eyes out. so pitiful. my sister's friend had to drive me home because the tears didn't stop. i told him out of embarrassment, "i'm sorry, i'm just having a really hard time." i went home and slept in the cute nightie i bought to wear for my husband (because that's what you do after you spend the night crying your eyes out in the bathroom at the bar).

the next day, i woke up and made myself eggs with tomatoes from the garden, topped with avocado. drank my coffee in silence. i had heard about sitting with the silence, sitting with my feelings of being alone. it was the strangest feeling, to be able to wake up on my own, make my breakfast and eat it before it got cold, drink my coffee at my own speed, before it got cold. i thought about my disastrous night and realized that the reason i cried was that for the first time in a very long time, no one was at home waiting up for me, expecting me to return. there wasn't a single person who needed me that night. it was such a different feeling than just being out, knowing everyone will be there and life continues on. i knew they needed me but not in the instantaneous way it usually was. it was a very empty feeling.
we got back together after a few weeks, but it turned right back to the way things usually were pretty soon after. with him working out of town so much, i started asking for more help from others. i started letting myself think, feel and really be honest with myself about this whole thing. no one wants a divorce. it's nothing people think about when they get married or are married. for some people, sometimes things just happen one day and it's enough to almost kill them. me...i just learned how to cope a little bit better over time. the kids still go with him, but i'm at a better place now. i'm okay just sitting with these feelings, learning how to feel and know what it is i'm feeling. it's still lonely a lot of times, especially because i am SO used to my little people helping to fill my time up and decide what we do each day. i try to tell my friend who is going through a divorce that it will get easier. better. the tears will stop. it won't hurt so bad. the problem is, you just have no clue when that day is going to come.

in hindsight it is kind of crazy that i was such a wreck. now i have no problem with saying good bye to him. i'll go see a movie by myself or i reach out and make plans so i can enjoy my time. there is definitely a sense of freedom and lightness. honestly, it feels really, really, good now. life really does start the moment you decide to change it. not calling him and begging him to work on things this time around has been the hardest thing i've ever had to do. i just know i will not keep doing this. i do love him and i do miss him, but not the him that was in a relationship with. i miss the idea of him and i. i can differentiate that now. thank God. my freedom is coming and looking back almost 9 months ago, i see i have made such huge progress. i love myself. i value myself. i love all the great unknowns that are on their way. i can keep doing better. i no longer allow my worth be determined by someone else. i do the things i love because they make me feel happy and fulfilled. i do not worry other's perception about the things that make me happy. i make time to do what makes me feel good and spend time with people who care. i almost forgot that one...i used to feel so uncared for. i thought i would be so alone, but the reality is, i feel more cared about than i had in way too long. i see people loving me and caring about me just as i am and that is beautiful.

question: what do you do so that you can see progress, especially that which can be hard to measure? how do you stay focused on making this kind of progress? 

thank you for reading!

smile. it confuses people.

i'm pretty sure once a day i hear someone say (completely baffled), "i just don't know how you do it all, elsa." i'm going to let you in on a little secret: i don't really know how i do it all, either. i just DO. i also hear how with all i have going on, i always look so 'together' and 'calm' and 'at peace.' guess i'm kinda good at confusing people. 

i'm also sure it seems that i'm sitting in my house, constantly thinking about this whole divorce/separation/singleness, i think it's time to reveal that i DO actually think about other things. other very important things. things that actually consume so much of my time and energy, that the only time i can actually think about being single is when all the kids are in bed and i'm sitting in the quiet of my house. 

the truth is, the kids seem alright. they are still loud, still rowdy and still talk over each other and interrupt one another. we still rush to practices, games, the gym for me to work out, appointments, school events and lessons, but the kids? they seem more balanced, in tune with what they need and have become quite self-reliant. after all, as i tell them, i'm only one person and one person can't possibly do it all and i sure as heck shouldn't be doing things for them that they can do for themselves! my oldest, Camron, likes to hang out with me again at night, once the little ones are in bed. my 6.5 year old daughter, Amaija, seems to have grown up and has become far more decisive than she ever has been (you should see the outfits she puts together these days and is so prepared for school, it's almost unbelievable!). she flits around the house, dancing and singing, doing her homework with her older brother at the table. my four year old son, Calvin, has recently been diagnosed with Autism. i won't get into it now, but let's say that for people to notice he is 'calmer' than usual...well, it's a really big deal.  he's getting a little better with getting himself dressed a day here and there. he will brush his teeth. he started an early childhood special ed preschool this week and although he's only been three days, most have been okay. (wait...yesterday he yelled, "i don't want to go to that stupid smelly butthead school anymore!" and then i mentioned maybe he'd like to wear the cape i made him and he willingly rode the bus.) SUCCESS! finally, my baby...she's 2.5 and doesn't want help from anyone. i am so thankful for the preschool program my four year old started because i feel like my Ani and i just don't get time together until now. in the last few days, we have gotten to play and cuddle and go shopping. it's so fun! (and i am caught up on laundry. mostly.)

even with all of this goodness happening, i think and worry a lot. i worry because calvin demands a lot of care and i feel like my other kids get less attention. i get stressed out and exhausted from the constant, heightened awareness i must have just to keep up with him. for example. this morning, the puppy came into my room. i figured it was about 6:30 a.m., that calvin had let her out, and so i picked her up, ready to take her outside. so then i noticed the t.v was on, lights were on, a half eaten package of Oreos was on the table and then i noticed a sleeping little boy on the couch, curled up in a ball. i checked the clock and it was 4:30 a.m. and the movie had been running for over an hour. how i did not hear calvin wake up at that time of the night is a mystery. guess he wanted to party and was down for some alone time. (this morning he told me he ate 10 Oreos and then three more). awesome. 

i worry because i can't help cam with his homework as i would like or that the oldest two don't practice violin enough because it's just too crazy some days. i worry that i'm spread too thin. i don't doubt that i have enough love for all of them, i worry that i don't have it in me to do this day in and day out. but, i know i can because i do. i worry about money, myself, sleeping, if i can handle the puppy, how i will work, cooking good meals, how i will keep up with everything plus laundry and cleaning bathrooms. never mind the duvet cover i set out to sew and hardly work on...seriously, i'm constantly thinking about how it's all going to work out. so far, it just has.

some days i realize i haven't washed my hair in a few days and even if i'm just going to the gym, i must shower before. i leave a lot of messes in order to get out of the house on time, even if it is for Pilates and not a real appointment. the kitchen can wait. sometimes i find a really wet Pull-Up at the bottom of the laundry basket that someone sent down the chute and i cringe with disgust. i know frozen pizza is a terrible dinner, but some days, i just can't get dinner figured out in my head ahead of time. there are days cam walks to my sister's house between school sports and traveling team practice. thankfully my kids are pretty understanding.

i just want to do it all just right. i don't want to fail my kids as their mom. i don't want my kids to ever feel like i wasn't there for them. my girls get no shortage of attention, it is just very clear to me that the attention that each of them gets is very different and i am thankful that i am able to meet their needs. maybe i'm just too hard on myself and set my own standards as a mom far too high. i don't believe that being a single mom is a bad thing. my mom told me that my house looked the best she had seen it in a while and that the house just felt peaceful. (thanks mom). when the days seem too rushed and the kids seem a little too crazy, i slow down. i stop trying to 'get things done' and sit with them. we might make big huge messes, but we have yummy soups with craggy-cut veggies in them and really yummy cookies in the end. maybe i'm doing more than just something right.

how did this happen?

i've been blown away lately at the number of people who have reached out to me regarding their relationships. i can't figure it out, besides that i am openly talking about my own marriage struggles. i sure don't claim to know everything or to have the answers to why relationships fail. i don't know the answers as to how to save marriages and i sure as hell don't know how each of us got to this crossroad. unfortunately, we are all struggling to figure out what to do and it saddens me that so many of us are dealing with this, but maybe when we find someone going through something similar, we just want to talk about it. what strikes me even more is that all of us have children, the youngest being somewhere between 2 and 3 years old. have we all just focused so much on the children and divvy-ing up the house and baby duties that by the time they are out of diapers and nighttime wakings, we have just lost touch with who we are, beyond moms and dads?

i never understood what really happened with us. i still don't. i'm not sure at this point i care. what can it change anyway for my current (former?) relationship? in the future i'd be happy to figure it out, but right now, i'm kind of in survival mode. right now, i need to work on loving myself better. maybe i should be figuring out why i make bad men choices so that i do better in the future.

yesterday, after all these days of feeling like i was doing so great, i sort of had a very bad day. i felt weak, like i just could not mother any more for the day and that i wanted to disappear under my covers of my bed. i felt like i was failing my kids and myself. i felt like the picture right there of that crazy lady yelling STOP!!! a million questions raced through my mind. how am i going to keep up the mortgage? how am i going to pay my car note? who is going to fix things when they break in this house? if i get this part time job, how am i going to get my son to his special preschool programs when he has to be there at the same time as my hours will be? who is ever going to want to date a mom with four kids, who has been divorced twice? (minor issue for a much later day, i know, but it's there). ON AND ON AND ON.

then my mom called. she asked me what was wrong and i tried to tell her, but i realized i wasn't crying for myself. i realized i was so sad so many wonderful women were also going through this and these are only the ones i know about! there must be more! then i told her my worries. she told me she didn't have a job when she divorced my dad, but she had to do it. it was time. she said there were days that were so hard, she would literally read the Bible every ten minutes because she didn't know what else to do. she said all she could do was love us, to remember we were precious gifts from God (not a burden), that we depended on her and so she had no choice but to keep going, even when she wanted to quit right then and there.

as i lay in bed with covers over my head, wanting to quit, i uncovered my head. i wiped my face, told myself it was time to get up out of bed, stop being so hard on my precious gifts from God, that my anger or situation is not their fault. it was time to put my big girl pants on and do the thing i was born to do. be a mom. be me. do the things that make me happy so that i can stop feeling so sad and so worried. it's hard to be strong all the time. everyone thinks i'm so strong. so balanced. so at peace. so settled. "super mom" they say. that's a lot to live up to! the truth is, i am those things a lot of the time, but a lot of the time i'm restless, i'm worried, i'm afraid and i certainly don't want to have failed my children or myself.

we have choices. we choose to separate ourselves from the person who is hurting us, who is bringing us down. we choose to move forward with a divorce and we choose to live with our decisions. they are not always easy but we have to do it. i will choose to surround myself with people who love me and want to see me succeed, not fail. i woke up this morning and the sun rose to a clear blue sky. i opened the curtains like usual and the sun filled my house. the kids were calm. i thought to myself,i can do this. i can do hard things. i have always been good at figuring things out and being strong. i deserve better and so do my kids.and so i do. all the things i worry about will fall into place and in time will hardly be anything more than a memory. after writing this, i just found thisopen letter to moms who want to quit. it's beautiful and i love it. 

  the thing is that when we get to the point of divorce or separation, it is easy to feel desperate to try and 'fix' the things we feel we can fix in our broken relationship. the desperation is intense. it's easy to not remember the things that led up to this point, all those really uncomfortable, sad moments of being let down, ignored and unwanted. many express that they went to their husbands hoping they would do their part and hear them out, but were pushed away or not taken seriously. if those things hadn't happened, we wouldn't be where we are now. be realistic and know you are not alone. this did not happen suddenly and it took two. my dad says, "I'm not telling you what to do, but it seems like it's time to make a decision and stick to it and move forward." he's tired of seeing me hurt and knowing i've tried and been patient hoping for change. 
when these women have shared with me their stories of marriage trouble and have questions for me once they know i am in a similar situation, i notice how the words seemingly tumble from their mouths and then a definite sense of relief settles on their faces, as though they haven't shared this information yet. i wonder how can they think that i know what i am talking about when they ask me questions about why this happens, when clearly, i am no expert. in my opinion, i am only an expert in picking up the pieces of my own life and making it better. regardless of how separations or divorce 'happens,' one thing i know...this is no ideal situation for anyone, but i think maybe none of us is looking for true answers, but rather support from other women going through it too. 

letting go

i recently read that insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results.

i think i am insane.

well i sure hope i'm not, but if that is the definition, i might be close. i kept hoping things would be different "this time," yet each time he'd come back, we'd fall into the same pattern. sometimes it would take a few months, but most recently (although he hadn't moved back), it only took a couple weeks. this is even after i made it clear that we NEEDED a plan. a plan! yes, we would not continue making the same mistakes, repeating history, beating a dead horse.

let's just say it don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine 'round here. no plan, same problems. even though i want it so badly, there's no way to heal together if healing isn't part of your frame of mind. and, you sure as hell can't make someone see what needs to be healed if they don't want to do the work.   sometimes that healing needs to go back to before you as a couple even existed. some wounds run deep and long and unless you're ready to look at them really really hard, good luck being in a healthy relationship.

something i have for sure learned is that there is no one person guilty at the failure of a relationship. both people play such crucial roles in the relationship that i see how divorce is considered 'no fault' in minnesota. kind of like certain kinds of car accidents. sometimes they are just so messy and complex and impossible to separate one reason for a divorce from another.

i still cry, but they're not tears that come on with seemingly no reason. they don't last like they used to either. the whole idea of being single again has begun to hurt less. i'm less afraid and far less desperate. i was willing to make all sorts of concessions, to put my values and the things that matter to me aside in hopes of having us work out. i realize that isn't realistic. i also realize i can't make him see me for me, for the good i brought to our life together. the things he would need to do to see that would require him to make huge changes. honestly, i don't think he can see things the way i do, how things could be if he'd just try a new way of doing things. it pisses me off that i've been here, seeing him along this journey with his career and now i won't get to enjoy the life we could have had together once he gets into a position that doesn't require so much travel. all the bad, none of the good.

i know i've done my share of changing. i've been so.damn.patient. so kind, understanding. convenient. THERE. never again. i'm better than this and i deserve better. it'd even be better to be alone than to be treated with such irrelevance. what i do for everyone in our family is worth more than any dollar amount and most of what happens would go undone if i wasn't the one home taking care of things.

there are better days ahead. no more feeling like i'm re-reading the same chapter of the same book over and over and over again. no more feeling like magnets with the opposite ends pushing together, getting SOOOO close, just to push away. that's how this marriage has felt. we come really close but we just never really align. always just a minute too late or a few steps ahead or behind all the time. my days ahead will feel bright, kind and full of love and opportunity.

a beautiful struggle

i love hearing and knowing so many people have wonderful lives. we all do, really. wonderful doesn't mean perfect, in my eyes. every day is a chance to do things differently, to wake up with a new perspective, do things differently and to be who we want to be. it can be really hard and lonely though, when you know you have troubles or difficulties, yet you don't see many people sharing or talking about those difficulties. 

i am not sure why we feel like we can't share the "bad" because we have no problem sharing the good. people can't seem to wait to share all the great things they are experiencing in life. it just doesn't always really create good, heartfelt bonds when we just rattle off the stuff we think others will be impressed with or care about. i have to ask though, if we share the not-so-good stuff, do we think we are we admitting that we are weak or that we have no shame or pride? if we can only share the good, are we in denial of what is really going on in our lives? 

obviously with good comes bad. all things come in pairs. so it's no surprise to anyone that we all have troubles, but if we keep them to ourselves, what is to become of them? do they just fester and become bigger, leaving us to feel more isolated because we have no one saying, 'i've been there! i can understand the pain you are going through'? it's definitely not easy to say that i am struggling and i need help. asking for help is one of the hardest things for me to do. i'd rather try and figure things out on my own, but sometimes, that isn't possible. asking for help can be embarrassing, humiliating and very hard, especially when you've always been the kind of person who doesn't need a lot of help. all i know is, as hard as it is to ask for help, now that i have, i now feel so.much.better. i can sleep easier tonight knowing i have a few less things to worry about. i am letting others help me in different ways in order to lighten my load, so that i can focus on the things that need me to be fully present. lying in bed awake last night worrying left me a tired mama this morning and i knew i had to reach out. it was truly one of my best moments, realizing i didn't have to try and do this transition alone. during a weak moment, i found strength to reach out. and seriously. what a relief. 

there is no shame in making decisions that will get you where you want to be in the end. there is no embarrassment in saying i can't do this alone right now and i need some help bearing the weight of these hard things that feel very immediate and pressing. it would be a real shame if i had narrowed my life to the point that i had no one to turn to for help. where would i be then, if i had listened to him and allowed myself to push away the important people in my life, those that have been here for me all along? 

years and years ago, my mom and sisters and i were at a hotel. my mom was a single mom at the time and us girls were all in our pre-teen years. my mom didn't date a lot and we relied on each other tremendously to support the various needs of our family. looking back, i can't even figure out what we were doing to separate ourselves from one another in the hotel room because no one had cell phones or iPods at that time, but we were probably bickering. so at one point, my mom got very frustrated. she had us all come to the sink area of the room and she had a glass in her hand. she said, "this glass is like my heart. it is filled with water, which represents love. every time i give you my time, my energy, anything, i'm giving you my love. each act of love takes away from the love i have." (as she is talking, she poured a little water out of the glass). She continued on, "if i continue to give give give, and you guys don't show me you appreciate me, love me, care about me, soon my heart will be empty and i will have nothing left to give you (glass now empty). But if you do small things that show me you care, that you love me, like cleaning up after you make a mess in the kitchen instead of leaving it for me, or watering my plants because you notice they're dry, or spend time with me just talking, you are filling my heart with love, little by little. then i will be able to continue to give you love." i saw something today that called this our 'love bank.' we all have accounts that need withdrawls AND deposits.

i'm not gonna lie. at the time, it was one of those moments we thought, this is it, mom has lost it. but as i each year i get older, i understand it better. relationships are give and take. we do small things to show people we care, that they are important to us, that we love them and then they do the same, in their own way, in their own time. these things keep us full and help us to give to others. 

our love banks are real and i really think it's time we start looking out for each other, noticing when someone is struggling, in case asking for help or talking about their troubles is not something they are good at. we all can help to fill each other's hearts with small acts of kindness and love. i believe we cannot have the 'every-man-for-himself' approach. life is too hard as it is...there's gotta be a better way to get through this than trying to do it alone. right now, thanks to all my really fantastic friends and family, i feel i have love flowing around me, through me and filling me right up. pretty amazing feeling when it seems i should be feeling the complete opposite.