i owned this day.

image from mayhemandmuse.com

today was a kind of a big day for me as a single mama. it was our first major holiday with no daddy around. what's more is the kids didn't even seem to mind that he wasn't there. if they did, they didn't talk about it once we left for church. there was so much symbolism in my day today, it was kind of overwhelming at times. today we celebrated Jesus' rising from the dead, new life and for me, new beginnings. today we celebrated the miracle of new life. that from the dead cold of winter, plants come back to life. the kids were thankful, appreciative and (mostly) loving to each other. i put up my favorite decoration to hang outside my door...it's a hummingbird. the hummingbird, which in many cultures is symbolic of resurrection and new life as well, because in climates where it becomes too cold sometimes, they seem to die and then come back to life when it warms up. it's called torpor and it's a survival strategy. i didn't know of the symbolism until recently. it's pretty amazing how fitting things can be without even trying to make it happen.

Easter. the kids woke up around 7 a.m. (thank you, kids), woke up the oldest, who wasn't grumpy being up at 7, and found their baskets. they were pretty disappointed the Easter bunny didn't leave much candy, but they got over it when i told them grandma would have a candy hunt and they'd end up with plenty. anyway, the two little ones both had accidents over night (of course) and so i had to bathe all three younger kids. knowing we were on a tight schedule to make it to 9 a.m. mass, i had to have a good system. i got them in and out of the tub and dressed, sent them to the van with their new books and coloring kits while i got dressed and ready to go by 8:20. (these are the things you do so you can get ready as fast as possible). am i superwoman? probably. 

as i was sitting on the off ramp to church, my friend (who is also in the midst of a divorce) was texting me.

friend: Happy Easter to my beautiful friend!!
me: Happy Easter to you too! hope you have a wonderful first single mama easter!
friend: thanks:) you too!! we will be just fine. i know this. 
me: i hope so. i'm terrified. i gave him the child support papers last night. shit just got real. (lol) But look at it this way. we celebrate new life on Easter. what a perfect first holiday as single moms. A new life!!
friend: it is perfect and els, we are so strong, we can do it and we have each other.
me: you are making me cry! 
friend: don't cry, you have your kids and your family and your friends and me :-)

she's right. she's that kind of friend. she has a category of her own. not family, not friends. she's both. by choice. i don't know that there's a name for that kind of friend, but she's amazing and i don't know what i'd do without her. it's not that i want to go through a divorce or see my friend go through the hell of divorce either, but if i had to pick a friend to go through it all with, it'd be her. i'm so thankful i have someone i can talk to who understands it all.



we barely made it, but we did. the church was packed for family mass, but we got to sit on the steps to the side of the alter and the kids got great seats to see the baby animals a farmer brings in each Easter. my 4 year old, Calvin, brought his gold coin chocolates in his shirt pocket and he was sharing them with his sisters while the baby animals were out. we sang Morning Has Broken and i teared up as it was the song my grandpa used to sing to us to wake us up in the mornings. i can still see him with his arms spread out and singing as loud as he could. he was the best grandpa i could've ever asked for...i saw his strength when i told my grandparents i was pregnant at the age of 19. after about two hours of trying to find the right moment, i did it. while everyone was in complete dismay and thought i'd never finish college or that i was too young and i was ruining my life, he looked at me, looked around at everyone else, back to me, and nodding his head, said, "she will be just fine." he's the grandpa my 4 year old is named after, who was born the day after he died (in a different year).
to end a great Easter mass, all four kids cooperated and i got a nice picture of them all. together. smiling. looking sweet. there were no meltdowns. YES!!

sometimes it's hard to wake up to another day, knowing that as a single mom i am doing the job of two. knowing that there are going to be kids wondering if they will see daddy today. it's hard because i don't know if it will ever get easier or if i just get used to it, so it seems easier. i don't think married people with kids can understand how crazy it is to be a single parent. no one can really understand how it feels to suddenly have to do IT ALL, all yourself. my sister's husband was sick for a while with a bad flu, so she wanted to keep their newborn and their 2 year old out of the house while he was at his worst. she told me how hard it was and how she had a new appreciation of what i do as a single mom of four kids, that she didn't know how i did it and she only has two kids. all i know is that tomorrow is another day, a new day to try to handle things a little better than i did today. i try to wake up each day and claim the day as mine.

I OWNED THIS DAY. i am reclaiming my life and have decided once and for all that my happiness is not decided by anyone else but me. i could've felt sorry for myself all day and let him not being here ruin my approach to the day, but i didn't. like the hummingbird coming out of torpor, my muscles will twitch, my heartbeat will begin to beat a little faster, a little harder. i will wake up from survival mode and seek what gives me energy to keep me going every day. and once all of this happens, i will have what i need to be the best mama, friend, sister and me that i know i can be.

p.s. in case you don't know the words or it's been a while, here are the lyrics to the song my grandpa always sang.

Morning Has Broken- Cat Stevens

  Morning has broken, like the first morning. 

                                                 Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird. 
                                               Praise for the singing, praise for the morning, 
                                             Praise for them springing fresh from the Word. 

                                              Sweet the rain's new fall, sunlight from heaven. 
                                                   Like the first dewfall, on the first grass. 
                                                Praise for the sweetnes of the wet garden, 
                                             Sprung in completeness where His feet pass. 

                                               Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning. 
                                                   Born of the one light Eden saw play. 
                                               Praise with elation, praise every morning; 
                                                      God's recreation of the new day. 

                                              Morning has broken, like the first morning. 
                                              Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird. 
                                            Praise for the singing, praise for the morning, 
                                            Praise for them springing fresh from the Word.