today i am feeling hopeful

it's no secret that my husband and i have been struggling. out of respect for us both and the fact that i'm trying to put a new foot forward in our relationship, i won't get into the messy details, except to say everyone says communication is key. we tried many different ways of communicating, with no real gains, and i felt like it was better not to speak because he wasn't listening anyway. many people knew we were going to Retrouvaille last weekend and i have been so busy trying to find time to work, catch up with the kids, keep up with the house, and not to mention my husband, but to also make time for 'dialoging' (more about that later) that i am finally able to share a little bit about where we are now.

it's now been 4 days since we finished 'our weekend' through the retrouvaille program. there's a certain kind of irony about this program. we were ready to file for divorce when we signed up for the program. when i walked into the hotel where we stayed for the weekend with twenty-two other couples in very similar situations, i was so nervous and doubtful that this would ever be able to help us. both of us had such long lists of what we wanted addressed and i just thought there would not be enough time in a day, let alone three days, to get us through any part of our lists. as i noticed other couples checking in, we all nervously made eye contact with eachother and were grateful for the short time we had in our rooms before going down to the conference room.

i am not going to give too many details about the program because if i were to try and put all that we did in a nutshell, it would not do the program any justice, but here are the basics. there were twenty-two couples from all over the area. there were three couples who acted as 'presenters' during the weekend, sharing their stories of how they returned to love after much hurt, despair and misery in their marriages, and (in our case) there was a Catholic priest (one of the most amazing priests i've met). all three couples and the priest related thevarious parts of the retrouvaille program to their own relationships. (on a side note, the priest did a wonderful job really looking at himself and how he went through the four stages of marriage being married to the Church). anyway, throughout the weekend and as the program intensified, we learned more about the couples presenting and how their experience with Retrouvaille's program helped them through. after a presentation, either the husband or wife would go up to their room and write a short piece to their husband/wife (after receiving the directions after presentation). we focused on learning how to share our feelings with one another, without needing to explain or judge or defend ourselves or our actions. that was the main focus of the weekend. one of the presenting couples said was, "You aren't working on resolving your problems, but as you get better at understanding your spouse, those problems will seemingly melt away." and i am here to say, they did. not all of them and not completely, but we are at a much better place.

the dialogue's purpose is to get to a mutual understanding. we will always work on this piece of the program, as it will never go away. that is the part where we learn to respectfully share what we are feeling, without the need to ask why, how, or judging that the other shouldn't feel a certain way. thinking back to high school, we were always taught to debate, to defend our position on a topic in position papers, so i think it's only natural that we want to defend ourselves from what feels like an accusation or an attack of our character, but there was none of that. some things are easier to dialogue about and some are more difficult to find the right word, but digging deep and learning this technique has provided us an unimaginable relief.

the transformation of the couples over the weekend was fascinating. on friday night at 7 p.m. walking into the conference room, we all sat in the equally spaced chairs, next to our spouse, in silence, or exchanging very light remarks. i think that they call that 'stubborn silence.' when we heard there would be no group discussions or sharing by taking turns, i'm pretty sure i heard a unanimous sigh of relief! saturday morning, we all dragged ourselves down for breakfast and there was a notable change in the atmosphere. we were all exhausted emotionally, and of course from the sleep you get when you go to bed too late and wake up too early, but there was less silence. couples were talking a little more, asking if the other wanted coffee or needed anything. my husband felt hungover, without the help of any alcohol, and one lady said she felt like she'd been hit by a truck (i agreed). saturday was a long, long, LONG day, filled with an enormous amount of progress. after each session, couples would come back from their rooms and i noticed husbands rubbing their wives backs, the chairs got closer and formed pairs, rather than rows of equally spaced chairs. by the end of saturday, we were given a chance to share anything we wanted. some chose to say a few words, but most did not. the ones that did say something cried a little from the sheer hope of saving their relationship, from the possibility of having their husband or wife "back." all this in a an evening and a long day and for many, it came after being served divorce papers.  bedtime was late again, but we all came to breakfast on sunday morning, feeling equally exhausted, but ready for anything because there was renewed sense of hope and love in how we felt towards our spouses and our marriages. by the end of sunday, we were asked to share again, as someone in the room might be able to benefit from what we might say. once again, our chairs were coupled up, knowing smiles were shared between spouses and love was abundant in the room.

for the next six saturdays, we will be joining this same group of couples for follow up, or post sessions. there was a great relief knowing we all knew that we didn't have to pretend to have it all together, as we do with other friends or family. everyone was there for the same reason at some level or another. friendships were formed and hopefully we can all find couples with whom we can share time with later on, to be not only friends with, but to act as a support system for eachother. there's no couple that doesn't have issues at one point or another, it's what you decide to do with those troubles that determine where you will end up.

i choose not to use the word "blessed" very often, but after this weekend, i feel blessed to have the opportunity to be married to a husband who isn't giving up on our marriage, who is commited to learning a new way with me. hopefully our children can learn this new way of sharing feelings too, so that when they are older, no one can ever tell them they don't know how to communicate effectively! here's an example of how well it can work: my six year old was missing me very much after being with grandma for a week and a half. when i dropped her off last thursday after swimming lessons, she cried, wanted to come with me but wanted to stay. she was feeling very conflicted. so when we returned, she was curious what we had done, so since she brought it up over and over leading up to this dialogue, saying things like, "mommy i was so sad, i cried myself asleep." or "mommy i was so sad, even grandma couldn't help me." i walked her through the dialogue technique to understand how she felt that thursday night. she gave it a '10' on a scale of 1-10. so i said, "so you felt like i had died and wasn't coming back?" (i was reflecting how a 10 might feel to me to understand her level of sadness). she laughed and said, "ok, maybe a 7." so i asked her what color her feeling of sadness felt like. she said, "greenish brown, like the mississippi river."  then that was enough and she got up smiling, where as prior to that, she wouldn't leave my lap. she was happy and seemed felt understood and let me know she thought i understood her, too. it hasn't come up again.

right now, i'd give my feeling about my future with my husband a big, huge 10. it might change and they warned us it might if we were feeling super hopeful. however, i really hope it doesn't change too much and that with all of these tools we have been given and the ones we will be given in the coming weeks, that we will be able to be a part of the 70% success rate of this program.

. 

once a mom only a mom?

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  
She never existed before.  
The woman existed, but the mother, never.  
A mother is something absolutely new.  
         ~Rajneesh


looking back to when i became a mother, i was young, but took my new role very seriously. being a mother was amazing and i embraced it with my whole heart. i felt like most of the people i knew thought i would fail at something, whether it was as a mother or that i would not finish college. i knew differently. i knew i would not only finish, but excel, and also keep my feet firmly on the ground, promising myself i would never forget who i was. well, i did finish college with two bachelor's degrees in four years with a high GPA, while raising my first child, being married for part of it, working nearly full time for half of it and still managing to know myself for all of it. i prided myself on making him only the best food; at the time most people chided me for only buying organic produce and hormone-free milk and meat. i made his first birthday cake (an organic carrot cake) from scratch (i even shredded the carrot) and used to put flax seed in his cereal. we would go for night-time walks with flashlights to see what the world looked like at night. yes, i am proud of all that i did for him as a young mother and without too much self-sacrifice. those were some really great years...

so many years have passed since then and so much has changed. becoming a mother once was so life-changing in such a positive way, that in 2006 i welcomed a baby girl into my life and made the most of it. i struggled to feel competent as her mother; she cried a lot and it seemed like i could never quite meet her needs. by the end of summer, i was ready to go back to work and felt terrible about it. shouldn't i have wanted to be with her all the time, regardless of the challenges she and i had together (constant puking and nursing, her seemingly endless need to be entertained or nursed?? :) i tried so hard to meet her needs as an infant and also to meet the needs of my first son as a first grader, that i naturally put myself aside for them. as she got older, it got easier, but i always yearned for something else. within the years that followed, i was faced with some very difficult times. there was a pregnancy that failed and caused me to become extremely ill and created a wide divide between my husband and myself. then two short months that followed, another pregnancy (baby boy in 2008), i became a stay at home mom and shortly after a surprise baby girl in 2010. it all happened sooooo fast that i don't really know if i had time to deal with all of it properly. that time of the failed pregnancy and being so incredibly sick is just a long dark space of time in my memory. after that, i threw myself into my family and tried to get back to being that mom i remembered myself to be, yet i could never really live up to my own expectations.

knowing all i have been through, it is easy for me to recognize how exactly i lost sight of myself and my goals, dreams and simply what was important to me outside of being a wife and mother. what i have a hard time with is accepting that this is just what happens once a woman becomes a mother. maybe it's not after the first child, or maybe not even after the second. every mother i know has a different experience with this; some can relate and some cannot. for those of us that it does happen to, is it really necessary to give ourselves up entirely to this new (or continued) role called motherhood? why did my vision of my role as a mother change so much from one child to the next? i felt such internal pressure to perform perfectly as a mother after having my third child that i quit working to stay home and raise them instead of having them in daycare, yet now here i am, four months into being a working mom once again. so many women i know are having babies lately and nearly every one of them struggles with guilt when it is time for them to go back to work or leave them with a sitter for a night out with their husbands.

becoming a mother certainly is life changing and definitely re-defines us, but does it have to BE the definition of us? aren't we still someone's sister or friend, or someone's partner who we are sharing our life with? what about ourselves? is it really necessary to wonder if it is selfish to want to take care of ourselves or make sure our own needs are met? i personally feel that it is my job to show my children how to take time for themselves, the importance of taking care of themselves and to stay involved with something they love, to have a passion. twelve years ago, our very first pediatrician gently reminded me to find 30 minutes a day for myself and to not feel badly about it, yet i feel like that was the most difficult thing to do and still is on any given day because there is always something that needs to be done in regards to being a mom. being a mother is something i would never change, nor regret no matter how hard it gets or how much i miss knowing myself like i used to.

i remind myself that the life i am living is not something that has to stay the same, that it can bend or change to meet my needs. the life i want starts the moment i decide that i am going to do something differently in order to have the life i so desire. i don't have to settle for what is or who i have become. i can always move forward without forgetting what i have done and appreciating where i am because of the choices i have made. right now, my biggest, most important job is a mother, but that is not all i am. i still yearn for something more and i am seeking to be more present in order to find the clarity i need to define for myself, who i am.

is it love or friendship that gets us through?

i read an article today it was called, "Secrets to a Happy Marriage (from the Real Experts)." according to the article, june is traditionally associated with getting married. i can't but help feel the irony in this as this is the month i have (both times) become separated from my ex and current husband. how do couples go from happiness to divorce in such a relatively short time?

the author, Karl A. Pillemer, Ph.D, interviewed many many elderly couples. he asked them for their advice on what makes a happy marriage. Did you know that (per this article) 90% of Americans still find marriage as the ideal lifestyle, even though around half of all marriages will ultimately end in divorce? that is astounding to me! how can it be that it is still the ideal for the majority of people, yet we have such a high divorce rate? one would think that if marriage held such a high place in the eyes of most Americans, that there would be a better support system in place for those that are married (or plan to get married). maybe we need marriage mentors, not just couples who tell us words of wisdom during the little bit of pre-marital counseling some go through? maybe we should take the advice of the elderly married couples a little more seriously, to get us back to where society used to value marriage a little more? where people might hear real advice, not just 'marriage is hard work' or 'marriage is a long journey.' we all hear the same things...the difference is, old people tell it like it is. maybe we just need to go back to the more traditional values and truly listen to those that have had success in their marriages so that we can have some tried and true advice. so i read this article today and as i was reading these were my thoughts...and maybe, just maybe, they are right.

Marry Someone a lot Like You.
I have to admit. i don't think that my husband is a lot like me. we don't see eye-to-eye on a number of topics. I'd venture to say we fall under the "opposites attract" category. don't get me wrong, we used to have a lot of fun together, yet our personalities are quite different, generally speaking our values align but within those values is where we conflict. communication styles differ and actually i find is one of the greatest causes for arguments and discord.

Never Expect your Partner to Change
my husband buys me flowers now and then (like once in a great while). my mom will comment, i wish my husband would buy me flowers! and i always respond the same, "mom, he didn't buy you flowers before you were married so you can't really expect him to buy you flowers now." you can't wish for something to change that you were okay with before. there is nothing I'd want to change about my husband as far as his character & the qualities to which I was attracted to. he's a good father, providing for his family is important, he's handsome, can be fun and intelligent. we enjoy some of the same activities. it's some other things I wish he would do differently: be more organized, talk to me more, be more affectionate towards me and i'd say he could relax and enjoy the moment a little more often. they are not things that make me love him less, i just find those are the things where we are not much alike. he often claims I'm trying to change him but in my eyes, maybe im trying to influence him?!

Friendship is as Important as Love
after reading this part, i can definitely relate to the lady who said they were good at love, but never learned how to be friends. now I'm finding myself wondering, would we be friends if we did not love each other? do we treat each other with the same regard we treat our friends? with my friends, we relax, talk freely and openly. we share inside jokes, have connections others do not understand. when kids and life start playing a major role, how will the marriage survive that 3rd stage of misery if the romance goes away for a while or you hit a rough patch? according to the research participants, friendship gets you through. without friendship, your relationship is more likely to fail. do we fall in love first and THEN become friends or does it happen simultaneously?

i have no doubt some couples work well because they paid attention to some of these types of advice. what worries me is that all too often, we do not listen to our hearts. we let go of a relationship because it is not acceptable to our families or society, or we want something to work so badly that we are willing, at that time, to make concessions and compromises in order for it to work. ultimately, that can only work for so long before it becomes too much for one to bare.

question: what do you think is the most important relationship advice you have received? do you agree with the article or do you think relationships can make it without these three keys to marriage success?

the 4 stages of marriage

recently i learned that there are four stages of marriage. i have been through pre-marital counseling through the Catholic church twice, married twice and divorced once, now separated. i don't have a very good track record when it comes to marriage. my parents divorced and both re-married. my dad and his wife dated a very long time when they eventually got married and my mom and her husband got married after a shorter time. my maternal grandparents were married 50-something years when my grandpa died and my paternal grandparents divorced when my dad was somewhere in his teens (i believe). a number of uncles and aunts, all with their own version of what a marriage has looked like. within all of these marriages, successful or not, no one ever mentioned these four stages of marriage.

when my husband started throwing around getting a divorce, i started researching counseling possibilities. in my heart, i do not want another failed marriage and i sure as hell wanted to know i did everything possible to try. i did not want to go through medical insurance because there are complex rules as to how to get insurance to cover your sessions, however, they will not just provide sessions that are for 'marriage counseling.' you or your spouse will be required to be diagnosed by the counselor with some sort of diagnosis: anxiety, depression, something 'not so serious' in order to be covered and then you are dealing with the diagnosis WITHIN your marriage. i knew i did not want to go that route because it just did not seem like it would work. (for another time, is this why these diagnosis are on the rise? to get any kind of counseling covered by insurance?) so my search continued and i found something called Retrouvaille which is a program offered to help couples work through their problems, especially focusing on the importance of communication. I am Catholic and I like the idea of using the Catholic teachings on what a marriage is. I came across these Four Stages of Marriage on the Retrouvaille site.

the four stages are as follows:

1. The Honeymoon Stage. We've all heard of it and we all know how amazing and wonderful it is!
2. The Disillusionment Stage. Us women always hear about how annoying it is that men don't put the toilet seat down. Or that they leave their socks laying around. But this stage is where you really start FEELING how annoying some of the spouse's habits really are; or our spouse just isn't as wonderful as we thought they were!
3. The Misery Stage. Simply, you and/or your spouse are just miserable. you want out of your marriage as soon as possible. most divorces and/or separations happen during this time. counseling happens during this time (most often). however, if you divorce during this time and don't get to the root of the problem, chances are your future relationships will end in a similar manner. if you do make it through the misery stage, you are likely to make it.
4. The Awakening Stage. Those marriages that do not end in divorce stuck it out and learned tools to help them move through the stages of marriage in order to have a happy marriage. they have learned marriage is not a fairy tale, but rather something that takes working on, changes in attitudes towards the spouse and the marriage and ways to work through whatever gets thrown in their way.

my mom and step dad renewed their wedding vows today at the Cathedral of St Paul. there were dozens of couples also renewing their vows, but what i really noticed were the elderly couples. the church was celebrating them for having made it so long together, 50+ years. it was amazing. these couples looked at each other with what i saw as the same amount of joy, love and intimacy as they probably experienced on their wedding day. the ladies got all dressed up, make up done, hair nicely done. men were in suits and ties. they held hands the way they did way back when. i could only wonder about their marriages for all of those years. i came to the conclusion that they could look at each other the way they did because they knew, between the two of them, all they had been through, all the challenges they surpassed, the children they raised, the homes they created. together. i'm sure it wasn't easy and i know everyone says marriage isn't easy, however, did they know about these four stages? did they know what was to be expected? or was divorce just not that easy or societally accepted back then and if it had been, would they still be married today, 50+ years later? my mom looked so happy and i know why. she and her husband have been through it all, good and bad. but they are now in the awakening stage. i can see that. i have noticed that they were in a different place in their marriage before i even knew about these stages. the only thing i know is neither one of them gave up. they might have wanted to, but they didn't. i really hope that they can make it 50 years (although they'd have to be pretty dang old, it is possible!)

my grandpa cal (who my 3 year old is named after) was asked by their oldest son if he had any words of wisdom on how to make it to 50 years of marriage. he looked at my grandma and said, "it is really not that difficult when you love someone so much." it was so sweet. fifty years married or not, all of the relationships i am close to serve as a model for me, teaching me something different from each one. in my own marriage now, of course i would rather not divorce. i'd rather be one of those old, wrinkled wives, holding their now shorter than them husbands' hands, renewing my vows with my children looking on.

my husband has agreed to go to the next Retrouvaille weekend marriage 'encounter.' it is june 22-24. we stay at a hotel and do some serious 'our marriage sucks ass kicking' (my words, not theirs!) then we will have 6 follow up sessions. knowing that there is a name for what is going on with my husband and i gives me a sense of hope that maybe we are just lost in 'misery' and that perhaps with some work on communication and defining what we both hope for, realizing we still do love each other and deciding we are worth it and our family is worth it, that perhaps we will be 79 years old together some day. and if we are not just lost in the misery stage and we really aren't going to work out, at least we can say we did all we could and that at the least, we will be better parents and communicators for the sake of our kids.

playing the what if game

with any loss, it is only natural to think back and wonder about where you might be had you made different choices, certain concessions, or handled things differently.

some of my 'what if' questions are: what if i had been less independent? would that have helped? what if i had sent all the bills out on the day i say i'm going to, but i forgot because i'm just so busy? what if i didn't stand up for myself all those times i felt compelled to defend myself and my actions? what if i kept on pursuing him, instead of stopping so that i could see if he would pursue me instead (even in marriage)?  what if i had just initiated sex every night or every other night? would that have made things better? what if i hadn't wanted to go shopping with my mom/sister/friend that one day? what if i had bought him a birthday present instead of spending the day with the kids baking cakes for him and making dinner? what if i 'backed him up' when he tried to discipline the kids in a way i did not agree with? what if i didn't complain about his inability to pick up after himself or get himself organized? this list of questions could go on and on and on...

having been doing a lot of reflection, i think my biggest problem was that i allowed myself to give up the things that were important to me because of him or his comments; friends that he found a reason not to like; activities i enjoyed because he found some way to criticize them.   i wanted so badly for us to work out, i thought i should just back off a little from those friends and he will appreciate that and things will be better. yet it kept happening and happening. i can only hold myself responsible for allowing myself to play that game because to this day, i miss each of those friends, i miss participating in those hobbies or pursuing those interests. for example, I'd really like to do start going to meditation. a friend of the family leads it at a buddhist center on monday nights. he has invited me many times and my sister and mom have gone. when i mentioned it, he said, "what, so you're going to become Buddhist now?" REALLY?!  

over the course of our relationship and in thinking of those friendships lost, i have decided to try and re-connect with some of those people. of course there is always some kind of backlash when he finds out, because i feel i cannot just tell him that i've reached out. after all, do i really want to deal with his opinions of that person again??  yet i really want to have their friendship a part of my life. more times than not, when he 'finds out,' his reaction is the same and i feel compelled to defend myself. most times i end up feeling so guilty i decide it's probably not worth the hassle and it ends before it can even really start up again. my guilt is self-created and i'm not even sure why i have guilt about wanting friends. 

      When you have to start compromising yourself 

          or your morals for the people around you, 

     its probably time to change the people around you.

the realization i have come to with all of my what if questions is that the answer to all of them is no. even if i had done all those things (and then some), i don't feel we would have been better. i can honestly say they might have been better for him, but definitely worse for me and worse for the kids. the thing i have to remind myself is i DID do those things...well, i started doing those things because he expressed that those were important to him. i would have been making compromises that could not last because i did not agree. more over, i would have been compromising myself and my relationship with my children for the sake of a relationship with another adult, when i really feel that the two adults in the relationship should be working together to make compromises together so that the kids feel secure; so that both adults feel confident in being the other's support system instead of backing the other up even though it may not sit well with them. i cannot say how many times my heart broke for my kids because i didn't step up and say something. my withered relationships with my children is what is fueling this fire. i will not settle for anything but a strong mother-child relationship. 

there are always things worth making a compromise for in a relationship. compromise is something necessary for a healthy relationship and i simply believe that the things that one person enjoys should bring joy to the other and for that reason, it would not be something to need to sacrifice or give up or need to compromise for the happiness of the other. 

in your relationships (past or present), what are some of the things you feel are worth compromising on and what are some that are not an option for compromise? 

a new kind of alone

my husband travels a lot for work. on average, he's gone 3-4 nights a week. so it's not that i'm not comfortable being alone at night. the kids are used to him being away for work, so it's not that either. yesterday while i was at work, he moved his things out of our home. he had woken me up in the middle of the night before and told me for the 3rd time in a month, that he was done, and we were divorcing. i had told him that he needed to make a decision and follow through because i could not live in limbo anymore. around 2:30 yesterday afternoon, my mom (who was at home watching my 2 littlest ones) started texting me that he was moving stuff out. "office stuff."  "now clothes." it was such a weird feeling that he was actually doing it and that i had no idea what he was actually taking or leaving. i went running before i went home and by the time i got there, he was gone. 


the afternoon was normal because he was never there during that time anyway. when i opened his closet door to see just how much of his stuff he took, i felt a complete feeling of emptiness, just like his closet. everything was gone except his pile of white socks and a random running shoe. it's not easy to explain to a 3.5 year old why daddy's stuff is now gone. he just didn't really understand i don't think. 


it was after the kids' bedtime that i really felt differently. even though he is gone a lot, it was a different kind of alone. when i was alone and he was traveling, it didn't feel so 'alone' as much as it felt nice and quiet, "me time." last night, i felt completely alone. he wasn't going to come back. if he had been working, he would come home and unpack here. that's not going to happen again. making food for the kids, all on me. getting them to and from daycare, me. bedtimes, me. cleaning the house and picking up, me. 


it is easy to focus on what i am missing, what the kids are going to go through with all of this. right now i am reminding myself that this did not JUST HAPPEN. this is the culmination of a rocky relationship that we have both done our share of trying to make work, just never at the same time to the same extent. this is the result of feeling alone even when he is here sitting next to me. this is what happens when you feel like you have had to convince a person to stay, to marry you, to work on things. i am not willing to do that anymore. i am reminding myself of how i felt always feeling i had to defend myself and my feelings; how he spoke to my oldest two kids (his step kids) and the constant bickering among the six of us in the family. none of that is a healthy place to be for him or i or the kids to see and experience. 


for my kids, i need to be the strongest, happiest me possible. i need to show them that i can hold it together and provide a healthy, happy home for them. i want my daughters to know they don't have to stay in an unhealthy or unhappy relationship for any reason. i want them to know that they deserve to be treated with love and kindness. that they should only have the highest expectations for themselves and the relationships they have. i want my sons to know how to be respectful men, in how they act, speak to and treat people. i want them to know they don't have to stay in a relationship just because there is a house and kids and a wife and joint accounts. that is never a reason to stay, unless you are honestly going to work on being a better partner and changing how you behave. i want a peaceful home, where my kids do not have to worry or fight because they feel like any are more important than the others. THIS is what i am going to focus on. the four amazing gifts i've been given and entrusted with to raise and care for, and myself. in doing this, i pray that i find the clarity i need to forgive, heal and move on.