Instead I'm planning what my 'new' room is going to look like and what my daughters' room will look like. Instead I'm trying to anticipate how long I'm going to feel like shit and what I'm going to do to come out of this...while maintaining some semblance of normalcy and not too many days of puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks.
My New Year's resolutions usually look quite like most people's resolutions: eat healthier, exercise more, drink more water, be more present, etc. this year, ive already been doing those things. I also tend to forget them after a short time. This year, I must be less generic. I desire more now.
Recently I felt an awakening of my soul. it was beautifully alarming and I only shared about it with a couple people. The third person I shared with was my husband and in the same moment that I decided I wanted to share with him what I was experiencing, it was gone. just like that. how does this happen? did I let it happen this way? I don't think so.
I've decided my resolution will be to allow that awakening of my soul to come back; to feed it, to nurture it and to encourage it to stay. I wish to be more authentic with my heart and myself so that all people can know me for who I am and so there is no confusion. defending myself, who I know to be me, is exhausting. Somehow and for some unknown reason, I keep my authentic self to myself or share it bit by bit with those I feel will be gentle with me. I am not perfect; i am human. I am broken, but not unloveable. My heart will be healed and I know it will take time. 