Unemployed.

Almost three months unemployed. I have applied for so many jobs, but I have this feeling that working for the man isn't for me. The clocking in and out. Micromanagers. Sitting at a desk for hours.on.end. The thought is enough to kill me, let alone actually doing it in a place that doesn't value movement and creativity and ideas and conversations and ... Yes. Sitting in an office. I'll do it if I must, but it sounds like a slow painful death to my mind, body and soul.

The last few months have been so strange. For the first time in EVER, I was at home with no children. They are all in school and my youngest is in pre-k full time. I never thought I wouldn't get another job because I've seriously gotten every job I've ever interviewed for. This time I can't even get an interview for anything even though I have the qualifications. How does that even work?! 

So this has been a very humbling experience, to say the least. It's hard some days to not get down on myself about it. I applied to work at target and to clean houses. Just to see. And.... Nothing. The cleaning company...They said they wouldn't even consider me to CLEAN HOUSES. 

I've run the gamut of possible jobs. I am still hopeful. Still thinking that something great is going to happen for me. Positive thinking. Keeping stress low. Giving myself grace to have hard days or bad days. I tell myself the right thing will come along. And hopefully, my ex's eyes and heart open up and he realizes he needs to pay child support, as he agreed and is ordered by courts. Losing my job and him not paying support all within the same month has been nothing short of hard (and also humbling). 

Today I woke up & after getting the kids fed and off to school, I decided to run errands without even doing anything, except brushing my teeth and throwing on leggings and a sweatshirt, like this... (Not my usual)

That is how I left the house. It was just one of those days!!! 

So...If you read this, please send a quick prayer out. Good vibes needed!!! I'm super smart, capable, motivated, educated (double major in Global Studies and Spanish), I have work experience and just need to be given a fighting chance. I can literally do anything when given the opportunity. (I do love being home...so much to do every day and I'm available to my kids and managing the house, so it's nice but... Let's be real. I've got mouths to feed!!) 

In Peace.

Elsa ❤️

reflection

I was recently reflecting with my best friend on how life was when i was a full time working mom.

when i went back to work full time after the divorce, i had no idea how it would effect my family. i felt like it would all be fine and we would be alright. i worked 40 hours a week, a couple different shifts due to the clinic's hours. usually people talk about how divorce will effect a family negatively and really tear it apart. in my case, me working full time did that.

we were those people. the ones I never thought I would be... Too busy. The ones who I learned about that we should thank for getting their kids up and off to school. the ones whose kids I worked with and the parents I helped. Often i would forget to check homework. sometimes they wouldn't have it done. i'd forget to sign their communication sheet. my oldest couldn't stay after school once football was over because our nanny didn't work out and i feared a repeat of that situation. having to tell his teachers that he can't stay after because i needed him to help out, made me feel awful. he would come home and make dinner and get the kids in pajamas. my little kids stayed home in the mornings for a little bit because i couldn't afford daycare on my own. when my youngest was falling apart the most, my heart hurt because all i knew was when i left for work, she was fine...but that was two hours before I left.

(We lived for these moments! Me & my youngest) 

my kids suffered. everyone fought. i was stressed to the max. some days i'd go to get them dressed and not quite understand why there were no pants in Ani's drawer and then realize that i hadn't done laundry since last week. some days i'd clean up from dinner just to make dinner for the next night. i often missed meals because once i got home it was time for bed and i'd have to do all the preparations for the next day. Too exhausted for much else, it turns out, i had become a shell of myself, quite robotic just so that i could get through the day and make sure everyone would be alright. I was stretched so thin, I had nothing left for friends, for myself or my kids. 

when i lost my job in february, i couldn't understand why or how this could happen. i was doing okay, mostly able to support my family and all at once, not only did i lose my job, but the ex stopped paying his child support. in a blink of an eye, my life seemed to be falling apart.

  (The day I got let go from work at WIC. It looks like I knew something was up!) 
                                                
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until last fall of 2014, i had been a stay at home mom. my two youngest kids don't remember me not being home. the ex traveled extensively for work and my son struggled significantly in child care ever since he was an infant. since he traveled and i was home, the transition to me working really took a toll on the kids. they were pretty used to him being gone between work and our frequent separations. i'm still not sure the reasons why i was let go from the job i had. i really liked working there, my coworkers were great and the work felt fulfilling to me. the only thing i can come to grasp is that we were all falling apart and this could somehow be a blessing in disguise. me being home again (on unemployment now) has really been good. my kids are doing so much better. as a mom, there is NOTHING worse than seeing your children struggle and even more, knowing you being gone was the cause of a lot of their pain.

going back to work full time terrifies me. i feel like i have a better idea of what will need to be in place based on what worked and didn't work the last time around, but it still scares me. i have a better idea of what will work better schedule-wise, but all of this doesn't make any of it easier, so I think almost full time would be better. 

They are doing so well now, it makes me happy to see them thriving again. 

Tending to my soul (& the garden)

It's an absolutely gorgeous day in Minnesota today. Breezy and sunny and not too hot. Gardening is a peaceful time for me to turn inside and listen. I reflect on life and where I am, where I want to be and how I might get there. 

I decided to take some pictures of the newly planted garden and the plants that are coming up. It's always fun to see new life growing and is a good reminder that a lot is happening to the plants below the surface of the earth before we see anything at all. A lot like people, a lot goes on inside us and behind the scenes to make changes for ourselves and growing in character, before others may notice.

I planted cilantro and a lettuce mix in these concrete blocks. We will see how they do in there!!

Chives are up, along with all of the herbs I grow like mint, oregano, thyme & sage among others. 

One of my favorite things is when the delphinium and tiger lilies bloom (bottom right). I like to encourage bees to visit to my garden by growing a variety of flowers and by co-planting flowers/herbs with veggies. 

unveiled

the first version of my blog was written while i was going through multiple separations from my ex-husband, multiple getting back togethers and finally, a divorce. i slowed down on my writing because it started to feel redundant and it wasn't helping me much. it was me trying to figure out what i was supposed to do and just sort of process everything because writing helps me.

 i don't seek clarity now, but i do feel like i haven't been a true version of myself for very long. i think the real me has surprised people who have known me and they aren't sure why. not being yourself is a slow and painful way to live; a way i wouldn't recommend to anyone. i was a version of me that i thought others would find more acceptable. i edited out certain parts of me, kept things to myself and pushed through life in a way that wasn't satisfying to me.

for too long, i've sat quiet. never wanting to offend anyone, but always having more to say. i wasn't sure i would be offensive, but i listened to the advice. don't say too much. people don't really want to know. some things don't need to be shared. i always wondered how "they" knew what i was going to say, how they were sure it would be offensive or be "too much."

this second edition of my blog is renamed and properly so. it's about ME. i think most moms end up being so and so's mom...I want to be known as more than just someone's mom, even though i know there is nothing greater than being a mom.

sometimes i'll write, sometimes i'll share the things i love or things that make me feel happy or good or places i want to go. sometimes it'll be a song i have come across that i love. i just want people to know the real me. the things i've been through and the things i'm going through now. hopefully it'll help someone somewhere.

i have a variety of interests and things i love that i'll probably share now and then, namely soft clothes, jeans, natural living, healthy food and gardening. i practice yoga. i like music, but couldn't tell you which bands/groups/artists (mostly because i'm terrible with details). i read, garden, love writing. i love my people. i struggle with anxiety, but i've started a medication and so far, so good. i think i could worry about things a little more sometimes, but what good does worrying even do? i'm terrible with time and dates and knowing for sure what day it is. (i'm working on it!)

the best thing i am doing right now in this very moment is loving myself. well, learning to. i've been told for too long i'm too much of everything. i'm learning to let go, move forward and be my best self. to do all of this, i have learned to have personal courage and to own all of the things that make me who i am.