the calm after the storm

it's kind of funny how there really is a calm after the storm, where the sun comes out, the grass is greener, everything washed clean from the hard rain. through any destruction, there is a sense of hope and renewal. today was my calm after the storm.

this storm came to its peak last night, forceful and gray. i knew that once this storm hit, my life was really going to be different, there was not going to be another chance at this relationship. there was no storm center telling me to take cover, to prepare for all that could possibly happen with this storm. i felt like the people must have felt decades ago, when they only knew the storm was coming when they finally saw it approach, like in The Wizard of Oz. i tried so hard to be strong, to hold my ground and say the things i had rehearsed a million times in my head. i just wasn't prepared for the outcome. i thought maybe it was going to be one of those storms that looked worse than what actually happened. i was wrong. it was one of those storms you don't see coming, the ones that produce high winds and damaging hail, maybe even tears down the biggest trees in the neighborhood.

i saw last night that these storms were going to just keep on coming at me unless i made a decision. every storm weakened my foundation just a little more and i decided i wasn't going to let there be any more storms from this source who i feel should have been my biggest supporter and the one who lifted me up, not tore me down. some storms destroy us and some storms in life strengthen us. some enlighten us and lead us to new ventures.

this morning, the kids didn't even know that anything had happened last night. when my three year old woke up he asked where his daddy was (this is the first question out of his mouth every morning if his daddy isn't in our bed...usually that just means he's already up and working or has fallen asleep with the baby in the bottom bunk) and i said he left for work. he couldn't be fooled. he said, "no he didn't! I saw him here last night!" (three year olds are much more keen on life than we give them credit for!) although none of the children saw him moving stuff out or the tears on their mom's face, there was a calm in our house like never before. the kids were endearingly sweet to one another, they helped the younger ones and gave lots of hugs. the edge in my oldest's voice was gone when talking to his siblings. the house felt open, bright and peaceful, even though it was the same house where the storm had hit last night. maybe the calm after the storm comes because the worst has happened and we know there is a rainbow to come or maybe just a few raindrops, not more destruction.


i don't know what happens next. i wish i knew. i
wish i knew that i'd be able to keep the house, that my kids will adjust to their parent's new living arrangements. i wish i knew what the future holds for me. i know it's something great, it has to be. i'm excited to find out. i'm ready for the struggles that are sure to come as i figure everything out. i'm ready for anything because it surely cannot be any worse than it has been.

as i was laying on the couch last night, because i could not try to convince him for another second of who i am compared to how he sees me, i found myself repeating, "i AM worth it." i started to tear up because for some reason, it hurt to say that. i couldn't understand how saying those four positive little words could cause me pain. i continued to repeat those words and that tingly pain in my heart was washed away little by little until it no longer hurt and i knew what i needed to do. i've been working on my self-esteem and i think it's helping me to make decisions that are good for me. i AM worth it and no one will ever get in my head and cause me to believe anything different than what i know to be true.