how did this happen?

i've been blown away lately at the number of people who have reached out to me regarding their relationships. i can't figure it out, besides that i am openly talking about my own marriage struggles. i sure don't claim to know everything or to have the answers to why relationships fail. i don't know the answers as to how to save marriages and i sure as hell don't know how each of us got to this crossroad. unfortunately, we are all struggling to figure out what to do and it saddens me that so many of us are dealing with this, but maybe when we find someone going through something similar, we just want to talk about it. what strikes me even more is that all of us have children, the youngest being somewhere between 2 and 3 years old. have we all just focused so much on the children and divvy-ing up the house and baby duties that by the time they are out of diapers and nighttime wakings, we have just lost touch with who we are, beyond moms and dads?

i never understood what really happened with us. i still don't. i'm not sure at this point i care. what can it change anyway for my current (former?) relationship? in the future i'd be happy to figure it out, but right now, i'm kind of in survival mode. right now, i need to work on loving myself better. maybe i should be figuring out why i make bad men choices so that i do better in the future.

yesterday, after all these days of feeling like i was doing so great, i sort of had a very bad day. i felt weak, like i just could not mother any more for the day and that i wanted to disappear under my covers of my bed. i felt like i was failing my kids and myself. i felt like the picture right there of that crazy lady yelling STOP!!! a million questions raced through my mind. how am i going to keep up the mortgage? how am i going to pay my car note? who is going to fix things when they break in this house? if i get this part time job, how am i going to get my son to his special preschool programs when he has to be there at the same time as my hours will be? who is ever going to want to date a mom with four kids, who has been divorced twice? (minor issue for a much later day, i know, but it's there). ON AND ON AND ON.

then my mom called. she asked me what was wrong and i tried to tell her, but i realized i wasn't crying for myself. i realized i was so sad so many wonderful women were also going through this and these are only the ones i know about! there must be more! then i told her my worries. she told me she didn't have a job when she divorced my dad, but she had to do it. it was time. she said there were days that were so hard, she would literally read the Bible every ten minutes because she didn't know what else to do. she said all she could do was love us, to remember we were precious gifts from God (not a burden), that we depended on her and so she had no choice but to keep going, even when she wanted to quit right then and there.

as i lay in bed with covers over my head, wanting to quit, i uncovered my head. i wiped my face, told myself it was time to get up out of bed, stop being so hard on my precious gifts from God, that my anger or situation is not their fault. it was time to put my big girl pants on and do the thing i was born to do. be a mom. be me. do the things that make me happy so that i can stop feeling so sad and so worried. it's hard to be strong all the time. everyone thinks i'm so strong. so balanced. so at peace. so settled. "super mom" they say. that's a lot to live up to! the truth is, i am those things a lot of the time, but a lot of the time i'm restless, i'm worried, i'm afraid and i certainly don't want to have failed my children or myself.

we have choices. we choose to separate ourselves from the person who is hurting us, who is bringing us down. we choose to move forward with a divorce and we choose to live with our decisions. they are not always easy but we have to do it. i will choose to surround myself with people who love me and want to see me succeed, not fail. i woke up this morning and the sun rose to a clear blue sky. i opened the curtains like usual and the sun filled my house. the kids were calm. i thought to myself,i can do this. i can do hard things. i have always been good at figuring things out and being strong. i deserve better and so do my kids.and so i do. all the things i worry about will fall into place and in time will hardly be anything more than a memory. after writing this, i just found thisopen letter to moms who want to quit. it's beautiful and i love it. 

  the thing is that when we get to the point of divorce or separation, it is easy to feel desperate to try and 'fix' the things we feel we can fix in our broken relationship. the desperation is intense. it's easy to not remember the things that led up to this point, all those really uncomfortable, sad moments of being let down, ignored and unwanted. many express that they went to their husbands hoping they would do their part and hear them out, but were pushed away or not taken seriously. if those things hadn't happened, we wouldn't be where we are now. be realistic and know you are not alone. this did not happen suddenly and it took two. my dad says, "I'm not telling you what to do, but it seems like it's time to make a decision and stick to it and move forward." he's tired of seeing me hurt and knowing i've tried and been patient hoping for change. 
when these women have shared with me their stories of marriage trouble and have questions for me once they know i am in a similar situation, i notice how the words seemingly tumble from their mouths and then a definite sense of relief settles on their faces, as though they haven't shared this information yet. i wonder how can they think that i know what i am talking about when they ask me questions about why this happens, when clearly, i am no expert. in my opinion, i am only an expert in picking up the pieces of my own life and making it better. regardless of how separations or divorce 'happens,' one thing i know...this is no ideal situation for anyone, but i think maybe none of us is looking for true answers, but rather support from other women going through it too. 

letting go

i recently read that insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results.

i think i am insane.

well i sure hope i'm not, but if that is the definition, i might be close. i kept hoping things would be different "this time," yet each time he'd come back, we'd fall into the same pattern. sometimes it would take a few months, but most recently (although he hadn't moved back), it only took a couple weeks. this is even after i made it clear that we NEEDED a plan. a plan! yes, we would not continue making the same mistakes, repeating history, beating a dead horse.

let's just say it don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine 'round here. no plan, same problems. even though i want it so badly, there's no way to heal together if healing isn't part of your frame of mind. and, you sure as hell can't make someone see what needs to be healed if they don't want to do the work.   sometimes that healing needs to go back to before you as a couple even existed. some wounds run deep and long and unless you're ready to look at them really really hard, good luck being in a healthy relationship.

something i have for sure learned is that there is no one person guilty at the failure of a relationship. both people play such crucial roles in the relationship that i see how divorce is considered 'no fault' in minnesota. kind of like certain kinds of car accidents. sometimes they are just so messy and complex and impossible to separate one reason for a divorce from another.

i still cry, but they're not tears that come on with seemingly no reason. they don't last like they used to either. the whole idea of being single again has begun to hurt less. i'm less afraid and far less desperate. i was willing to make all sorts of concessions, to put my values and the things that matter to me aside in hopes of having us work out. i realize that isn't realistic. i also realize i can't make him see me for me, for the good i brought to our life together. the things he would need to do to see that would require him to make huge changes. honestly, i don't think he can see things the way i do, how things could be if he'd just try a new way of doing things. it pisses me off that i've been here, seeing him along this journey with his career and now i won't get to enjoy the life we could have had together once he gets into a position that doesn't require so much travel. all the bad, none of the good.

i know i've done my share of changing. i've been so.damn.patient. so kind, understanding. convenient. THERE. never again. i'm better than this and i deserve better. it'd even be better to be alone than to be treated with such irrelevance. what i do for everyone in our family is worth more than any dollar amount and most of what happens would go undone if i wasn't the one home taking care of things.

there are better days ahead. no more feeling like i'm re-reading the same chapter of the same book over and over and over again. no more feeling like magnets with the opposite ends pushing together, getting SOOOO close, just to push away. that's how this marriage has felt. we come really close but we just never really align. always just a minute too late or a few steps ahead or behind all the time. my days ahead will feel bright, kind and full of love and opportunity.

a beautiful struggle

i love hearing and knowing so many people have wonderful lives. we all do, really. wonderful doesn't mean perfect, in my eyes. every day is a chance to do things differently, to wake up with a new perspective, do things differently and to be who we want to be. it can be really hard and lonely though, when you know you have troubles or difficulties, yet you don't see many people sharing or talking about those difficulties. 

i am not sure why we feel like we can't share the "bad" because we have no problem sharing the good. people can't seem to wait to share all the great things they are experiencing in life. it just doesn't always really create good, heartfelt bonds when we just rattle off the stuff we think others will be impressed with or care about. i have to ask though, if we share the not-so-good stuff, do we think we are we admitting that we are weak or that we have no shame or pride? if we can only share the good, are we in denial of what is really going on in our lives? 

obviously with good comes bad. all things come in pairs. so it's no surprise to anyone that we all have troubles, but if we keep them to ourselves, what is to become of them? do they just fester and become bigger, leaving us to feel more isolated because we have no one saying, 'i've been there! i can understand the pain you are going through'? it's definitely not easy to say that i am struggling and i need help. asking for help is one of the hardest things for me to do. i'd rather try and figure things out on my own, but sometimes, that isn't possible. asking for help can be embarrassing, humiliating and very hard, especially when you've always been the kind of person who doesn't need a lot of help. all i know is, as hard as it is to ask for help, now that i have, i now feel so.much.better. i can sleep easier tonight knowing i have a few less things to worry about. i am letting others help me in different ways in order to lighten my load, so that i can focus on the things that need me to be fully present. lying in bed awake last night worrying left me a tired mama this morning and i knew i had to reach out. it was truly one of my best moments, realizing i didn't have to try and do this transition alone. during a weak moment, i found strength to reach out. and seriously. what a relief. 

there is no shame in making decisions that will get you where you want to be in the end. there is no embarrassment in saying i can't do this alone right now and i need some help bearing the weight of these hard things that feel very immediate and pressing. it would be a real shame if i had narrowed my life to the point that i had no one to turn to for help. where would i be then, if i had listened to him and allowed myself to push away the important people in my life, those that have been here for me all along? 

years and years ago, my mom and sisters and i were at a hotel. my mom was a single mom at the time and us girls were all in our pre-teen years. my mom didn't date a lot and we relied on each other tremendously to support the various needs of our family. looking back, i can't even figure out what we were doing to separate ourselves from one another in the hotel room because no one had cell phones or iPods at that time, but we were probably bickering. so at one point, my mom got very frustrated. she had us all come to the sink area of the room and she had a glass in her hand. she said, "this glass is like my heart. it is filled with water, which represents love. every time i give you my time, my energy, anything, i'm giving you my love. each act of love takes away from the love i have." (as she is talking, she poured a little water out of the glass). She continued on, "if i continue to give give give, and you guys don't show me you appreciate me, love me, care about me, soon my heart will be empty and i will have nothing left to give you (glass now empty). But if you do small things that show me you care, that you love me, like cleaning up after you make a mess in the kitchen instead of leaving it for me, or watering my plants because you notice they're dry, or spend time with me just talking, you are filling my heart with love, little by little. then i will be able to continue to give you love." i saw something today that called this our 'love bank.' we all have accounts that need withdrawls AND deposits.

i'm not gonna lie. at the time, it was one of those moments we thought, this is it, mom has lost it. but as i each year i get older, i understand it better. relationships are give and take. we do small things to show people we care, that they are important to us, that we love them and then they do the same, in their own way, in their own time. these things keep us full and help us to give to others. 

our love banks are real and i really think it's time we start looking out for each other, noticing when someone is struggling, in case asking for help or talking about their troubles is not something they are good at. we all can help to fill each other's hearts with small acts of kindness and love. i believe we cannot have the 'every-man-for-himself' approach. life is too hard as it is...there's gotta be a better way to get through this than trying to do it alone. right now, thanks to all my really fantastic friends and family, i feel i have love flowing around me, through me and filling me right up. pretty amazing feeling when it seems i should be feeling the complete opposite.