i owned this day.

image from mayhemandmuse.com

today was a kind of a big day for me as a single mama. it was our first major holiday with no daddy around. what's more is the kids didn't even seem to mind that he wasn't there. if they did, they didn't talk about it once we left for church. there was so much symbolism in my day today, it was kind of overwhelming at times. today we celebrated Jesus' rising from the dead, new life and for me, new beginnings. today we celebrated the miracle of new life. that from the dead cold of winter, plants come back to life. the kids were thankful, appreciative and (mostly) loving to each other. i put up my favorite decoration to hang outside my door...it's a hummingbird. the hummingbird, which in many cultures is symbolic of resurrection and new life as well, because in climates where it becomes too cold sometimes, they seem to die and then come back to life when it warms up. it's called torpor and it's a survival strategy. i didn't know of the symbolism until recently. it's pretty amazing how fitting things can be without even trying to make it happen.

Easter. the kids woke up around 7 a.m. (thank you, kids), woke up the oldest, who wasn't grumpy being up at 7, and found their baskets. they were pretty disappointed the Easter bunny didn't leave much candy, but they got over it when i told them grandma would have a candy hunt and they'd end up with plenty. anyway, the two little ones both had accidents over night (of course) and so i had to bathe all three younger kids. knowing we were on a tight schedule to make it to 9 a.m. mass, i had to have a good system. i got them in and out of the tub and dressed, sent them to the van with their new books and coloring kits while i got dressed and ready to go by 8:20. (these are the things you do so you can get ready as fast as possible). am i superwoman? probably. 

as i was sitting on the off ramp to church, my friend (who is also in the midst of a divorce) was texting me.

friend: Happy Easter to my beautiful friend!!
me: Happy Easter to you too! hope you have a wonderful first single mama easter!
friend: thanks:) you too!! we will be just fine. i know this. 
me: i hope so. i'm terrified. i gave him the child support papers last night. shit just got real. (lol) But look at it this way. we celebrate new life on Easter. what a perfect first holiday as single moms. A new life!!
friend: it is perfect and els, we are so strong, we can do it and we have each other.
me: you are making me cry! 
friend: don't cry, you have your kids and your family and your friends and me :-)

she's right. she's that kind of friend. she has a category of her own. not family, not friends. she's both. by choice. i don't know that there's a name for that kind of friend, but she's amazing and i don't know what i'd do without her. it's not that i want to go through a divorce or see my friend go through the hell of divorce either, but if i had to pick a friend to go through it all with, it'd be her. i'm so thankful i have someone i can talk to who understands it all.



we barely made it, but we did. the church was packed for family mass, but we got to sit on the steps to the side of the alter and the kids got great seats to see the baby animals a farmer brings in each Easter. my 4 year old, Calvin, brought his gold coin chocolates in his shirt pocket and he was sharing them with his sisters while the baby animals were out. we sang Morning Has Broken and i teared up as it was the song my grandpa used to sing to us to wake us up in the mornings. i can still see him with his arms spread out and singing as loud as he could. he was the best grandpa i could've ever asked for...i saw his strength when i told my grandparents i was pregnant at the age of 19. after about two hours of trying to find the right moment, i did it. while everyone was in complete dismay and thought i'd never finish college or that i was too young and i was ruining my life, he looked at me, looked around at everyone else, back to me, and nodding his head, said, "she will be just fine." he's the grandpa my 4 year old is named after, who was born the day after he died (in a different year).
to end a great Easter mass, all four kids cooperated and i got a nice picture of them all. together. smiling. looking sweet. there were no meltdowns. YES!!

sometimes it's hard to wake up to another day, knowing that as a single mom i am doing the job of two. knowing that there are going to be kids wondering if they will see daddy today. it's hard because i don't know if it will ever get easier or if i just get used to it, so it seems easier. i don't think married people with kids can understand how crazy it is to be a single parent. no one can really understand how it feels to suddenly have to do IT ALL, all yourself. my sister's husband was sick for a while with a bad flu, so she wanted to keep their newborn and their 2 year old out of the house while he was at his worst. she told me how hard it was and how she had a new appreciation of what i do as a single mom of four kids, that she didn't know how i did it and she only has two kids. all i know is that tomorrow is another day, a new day to try to handle things a little better than i did today. i try to wake up each day and claim the day as mine.

I OWNED THIS DAY. i am reclaiming my life and have decided once and for all that my happiness is not decided by anyone else but me. i could've felt sorry for myself all day and let him not being here ruin my approach to the day, but i didn't. like the hummingbird coming out of torpor, my muscles will twitch, my heartbeat will begin to beat a little faster, a little harder. i will wake up from survival mode and seek what gives me energy to keep me going every day. and once all of this happens, i will have what i need to be the best mama, friend, sister and me that i know i can be.

p.s. in case you don't know the words or it's been a while, here are the lyrics to the song my grandpa always sang.

Morning Has Broken- Cat Stevens

  Morning has broken, like the first morning. 

                                                 Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird. 
                                               Praise for the singing, praise for the morning, 
                                             Praise for them springing fresh from the Word. 

                                              Sweet the rain's new fall, sunlight from heaven. 
                                                   Like the first dewfall, on the first grass. 
                                                Praise for the sweetnes of the wet garden, 
                                             Sprung in completeness where His feet pass. 

                                               Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning. 
                                                   Born of the one light Eden saw play. 
                                               Praise with elation, praise every morning; 
                                                      God's recreation of the new day. 

                                              Morning has broken, like the first morning. 
                                              Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird. 
                                            Praise for the singing, praise for the morning, 
                                            Praise for them springing fresh from the Word.

progress!

last summer, my (ex) husband and i split up (for the third time that year). i was pretty convinced i couldn't wouldn't get on that roller coaster any more. every time was more confusing than the last. i got tired of trying to pick up the pieces, explaining why daddy wasn't sleeping at our house, where he was or why they were sleeping somewhere else that weekend. i was ready (i thought) to be done with the whole thing because it was just too painful.

i felt invaluable. i felt disposable. i felt unlovable. i felt like what i did (still do) for our family was such important work and i didn't get why or how he couldn't also see the value in what i do. i felt like the what if's in my head were going to make me crazy! friends kept telling me that no matter what i did, it wasn't right. that it seemed i was in a lose-lose situation. my heart felt like it was being squeezed and stabbed with a sharp knife at the same time. i felt like a little bit of me was dying every day, like a flower losing its petals.

the first weekend he had our two kids, my daughter was at her dad's. my son was with friends for the weekend. since i was free and my sister had plans to go see a band that was playing at a local place, i invited myself to go along. i got all ready, felt like i looked really good and i was ready to do something social.

so there we were, sitting in the bar, having a drink. i look up at my sister and she mouths to me, "why are you crying?" i stood up quickly (because i hadn't even realized i was crying...haha...i can laugh about it now), walked my 'i look really good' walk to the bathroom and locked myself in the stall and cried. for forty-five minutes. my sister would come in and ask me if i was okay and i'd say, "yes, go away." so totally unexpected. by the time i finally emerged from the bathroom, i think every woman in the place knew it was me who was compromising the bathroom stall for almost an hour crying her eyes out. so pitiful. my sister's friend had to drive me home because the tears didn't stop. i told him out of embarrassment, "i'm sorry, i'm just having a really hard time." i went home and slept in the cute nightie i bought to wear for my husband (because that's what you do after you spend the night crying your eyes out in the bathroom at the bar).

the next day, i woke up and made myself eggs with tomatoes from the garden, topped with avocado. drank my coffee in silence. i had heard about sitting with the silence, sitting with my feelings of being alone. it was the strangest feeling, to be able to wake up on my own, make my breakfast and eat it before it got cold, drink my coffee at my own speed, before it got cold. i thought about my disastrous night and realized that the reason i cried was that for the first time in a very long time, no one was at home waiting up for me, expecting me to return. there wasn't a single person who needed me that night. it was such a different feeling than just being out, knowing everyone will be there and life continues on. i knew they needed me but not in the instantaneous way it usually was. it was a very empty feeling.
we got back together after a few weeks, but it turned right back to the way things usually were pretty soon after. with him working out of town so much, i started asking for more help from others. i started letting myself think, feel and really be honest with myself about this whole thing. no one wants a divorce. it's nothing people think about when they get married or are married. for some people, sometimes things just happen one day and it's enough to almost kill them. me...i just learned how to cope a little bit better over time. the kids still go with him, but i'm at a better place now. i'm okay just sitting with these feelings, learning how to feel and know what it is i'm feeling. it's still lonely a lot of times, especially because i am SO used to my little people helping to fill my time up and decide what we do each day. i try to tell my friend who is going through a divorce that it will get easier. better. the tears will stop. it won't hurt so bad. the problem is, you just have no clue when that day is going to come.

in hindsight it is kind of crazy that i was such a wreck. now i have no problem with saying good bye to him. i'll go see a movie by myself or i reach out and make plans so i can enjoy my time. there is definitely a sense of freedom and lightness. honestly, it feels really, really, good now. life really does start the moment you decide to change it. not calling him and begging him to work on things this time around has been the hardest thing i've ever had to do. i just know i will not keep doing this. i do love him and i do miss him, but not the him that was in a relationship with. i miss the idea of him and i. i can differentiate that now. thank God. my freedom is coming and looking back almost 9 months ago, i see i have made such huge progress. i love myself. i value myself. i love all the great unknowns that are on their way. i can keep doing better. i no longer allow my worth be determined by someone else. i do the things i love because they make me feel happy and fulfilled. i do not worry other's perception about the things that make me happy. i make time to do what makes me feel good and spend time with people who care. i almost forgot that one...i used to feel so uncared for. i thought i would be so alone, but the reality is, i feel more cared about than i had in way too long. i see people loving me and caring about me just as i am and that is beautiful.

question: what do you do so that you can see progress, especially that which can be hard to measure? how do you stay focused on making this kind of progress? 

thank you for reading!

smile. it confuses people.

i'm pretty sure once a day i hear someone say (completely baffled), "i just don't know how you do it all, elsa." i'm going to let you in on a little secret: i don't really know how i do it all, either. i just DO. i also hear how with all i have going on, i always look so 'together' and 'calm' and 'at peace.' guess i'm kinda good at confusing people. 

i'm also sure it seems that i'm sitting in my house, constantly thinking about this whole divorce/separation/singleness, i think it's time to reveal that i DO actually think about other things. other very important things. things that actually consume so much of my time and energy, that the only time i can actually think about being single is when all the kids are in bed and i'm sitting in the quiet of my house. 

the truth is, the kids seem alright. they are still loud, still rowdy and still talk over each other and interrupt one another. we still rush to practices, games, the gym for me to work out, appointments, school events and lessons, but the kids? they seem more balanced, in tune with what they need and have become quite self-reliant. after all, as i tell them, i'm only one person and one person can't possibly do it all and i sure as heck shouldn't be doing things for them that they can do for themselves! my oldest, Camron, likes to hang out with me again at night, once the little ones are in bed. my 6.5 year old daughter, Amaija, seems to have grown up and has become far more decisive than she ever has been (you should see the outfits she puts together these days and is so prepared for school, it's almost unbelievable!). she flits around the house, dancing and singing, doing her homework with her older brother at the table. my four year old son, Calvin, has recently been diagnosed with Autism. i won't get into it now, but let's say that for people to notice he is 'calmer' than usual...well, it's a really big deal.  he's getting a little better with getting himself dressed a day here and there. he will brush his teeth. he started an early childhood special ed preschool this week and although he's only been three days, most have been okay. (wait...yesterday he yelled, "i don't want to go to that stupid smelly butthead school anymore!" and then i mentioned maybe he'd like to wear the cape i made him and he willingly rode the bus.) SUCCESS! finally, my baby...she's 2.5 and doesn't want help from anyone. i am so thankful for the preschool program my four year old started because i feel like my Ani and i just don't get time together until now. in the last few days, we have gotten to play and cuddle and go shopping. it's so fun! (and i am caught up on laundry. mostly.)

even with all of this goodness happening, i think and worry a lot. i worry because calvin demands a lot of care and i feel like my other kids get less attention. i get stressed out and exhausted from the constant, heightened awareness i must have just to keep up with him. for example. this morning, the puppy came into my room. i figured it was about 6:30 a.m., that calvin had let her out, and so i picked her up, ready to take her outside. so then i noticed the t.v was on, lights were on, a half eaten package of Oreos was on the table and then i noticed a sleeping little boy on the couch, curled up in a ball. i checked the clock and it was 4:30 a.m. and the movie had been running for over an hour. how i did not hear calvin wake up at that time of the night is a mystery. guess he wanted to party and was down for some alone time. (this morning he told me he ate 10 Oreos and then three more). awesome. 

i worry because i can't help cam with his homework as i would like or that the oldest two don't practice violin enough because it's just too crazy some days. i worry that i'm spread too thin. i don't doubt that i have enough love for all of them, i worry that i don't have it in me to do this day in and day out. but, i know i can because i do. i worry about money, myself, sleeping, if i can handle the puppy, how i will work, cooking good meals, how i will keep up with everything plus laundry and cleaning bathrooms. never mind the duvet cover i set out to sew and hardly work on...seriously, i'm constantly thinking about how it's all going to work out. so far, it just has.

some days i realize i haven't washed my hair in a few days and even if i'm just going to the gym, i must shower before. i leave a lot of messes in order to get out of the house on time, even if it is for Pilates and not a real appointment. the kitchen can wait. sometimes i find a really wet Pull-Up at the bottom of the laundry basket that someone sent down the chute and i cringe with disgust. i know frozen pizza is a terrible dinner, but some days, i just can't get dinner figured out in my head ahead of time. there are days cam walks to my sister's house between school sports and traveling team practice. thankfully my kids are pretty understanding.

i just want to do it all just right. i don't want to fail my kids as their mom. i don't want my kids to ever feel like i wasn't there for them. my girls get no shortage of attention, it is just very clear to me that the attention that each of them gets is very different and i am thankful that i am able to meet their needs. maybe i'm just too hard on myself and set my own standards as a mom far too high. i don't believe that being a single mom is a bad thing. my mom told me that my house looked the best she had seen it in a while and that the house just felt peaceful. (thanks mom). when the days seem too rushed and the kids seem a little too crazy, i slow down. i stop trying to 'get things done' and sit with them. we might make big huge messes, but we have yummy soups with craggy-cut veggies in them and really yummy cookies in the end. maybe i'm doing more than just something right.

how did this happen?

i've been blown away lately at the number of people who have reached out to me regarding their relationships. i can't figure it out, besides that i am openly talking about my own marriage struggles. i sure don't claim to know everything or to have the answers to why relationships fail. i don't know the answers as to how to save marriages and i sure as hell don't know how each of us got to this crossroad. unfortunately, we are all struggling to figure out what to do and it saddens me that so many of us are dealing with this, but maybe when we find someone going through something similar, we just want to talk about it. what strikes me even more is that all of us have children, the youngest being somewhere between 2 and 3 years old. have we all just focused so much on the children and divvy-ing up the house and baby duties that by the time they are out of diapers and nighttime wakings, we have just lost touch with who we are, beyond moms and dads?

i never understood what really happened with us. i still don't. i'm not sure at this point i care. what can it change anyway for my current (former?) relationship? in the future i'd be happy to figure it out, but right now, i'm kind of in survival mode. right now, i need to work on loving myself better. maybe i should be figuring out why i make bad men choices so that i do better in the future.

yesterday, after all these days of feeling like i was doing so great, i sort of had a very bad day. i felt weak, like i just could not mother any more for the day and that i wanted to disappear under my covers of my bed. i felt like i was failing my kids and myself. i felt like the picture right there of that crazy lady yelling STOP!!! a million questions raced through my mind. how am i going to keep up the mortgage? how am i going to pay my car note? who is going to fix things when they break in this house? if i get this part time job, how am i going to get my son to his special preschool programs when he has to be there at the same time as my hours will be? who is ever going to want to date a mom with four kids, who has been divorced twice? (minor issue for a much later day, i know, but it's there). ON AND ON AND ON.

then my mom called. she asked me what was wrong and i tried to tell her, but i realized i wasn't crying for myself. i realized i was so sad so many wonderful women were also going through this and these are only the ones i know about! there must be more! then i told her my worries. she told me she didn't have a job when she divorced my dad, but she had to do it. it was time. she said there were days that were so hard, she would literally read the Bible every ten minutes because she didn't know what else to do. she said all she could do was love us, to remember we were precious gifts from God (not a burden), that we depended on her and so she had no choice but to keep going, even when she wanted to quit right then and there.

as i lay in bed with covers over my head, wanting to quit, i uncovered my head. i wiped my face, told myself it was time to get up out of bed, stop being so hard on my precious gifts from God, that my anger or situation is not their fault. it was time to put my big girl pants on and do the thing i was born to do. be a mom. be me. do the things that make me happy so that i can stop feeling so sad and so worried. it's hard to be strong all the time. everyone thinks i'm so strong. so balanced. so at peace. so settled. "super mom" they say. that's a lot to live up to! the truth is, i am those things a lot of the time, but a lot of the time i'm restless, i'm worried, i'm afraid and i certainly don't want to have failed my children or myself.

we have choices. we choose to separate ourselves from the person who is hurting us, who is bringing us down. we choose to move forward with a divorce and we choose to live with our decisions. they are not always easy but we have to do it. i will choose to surround myself with people who love me and want to see me succeed, not fail. i woke up this morning and the sun rose to a clear blue sky. i opened the curtains like usual and the sun filled my house. the kids were calm. i thought to myself,i can do this. i can do hard things. i have always been good at figuring things out and being strong. i deserve better and so do my kids.and so i do. all the things i worry about will fall into place and in time will hardly be anything more than a memory. after writing this, i just found thisopen letter to moms who want to quit. it's beautiful and i love it. 

  the thing is that when we get to the point of divorce or separation, it is easy to feel desperate to try and 'fix' the things we feel we can fix in our broken relationship. the desperation is intense. it's easy to not remember the things that led up to this point, all those really uncomfortable, sad moments of being let down, ignored and unwanted. many express that they went to their husbands hoping they would do their part and hear them out, but were pushed away or not taken seriously. if those things hadn't happened, we wouldn't be where we are now. be realistic and know you are not alone. this did not happen suddenly and it took two. my dad says, "I'm not telling you what to do, but it seems like it's time to make a decision and stick to it and move forward." he's tired of seeing me hurt and knowing i've tried and been patient hoping for change. 
when these women have shared with me their stories of marriage trouble and have questions for me once they know i am in a similar situation, i notice how the words seemingly tumble from their mouths and then a definite sense of relief settles on their faces, as though they haven't shared this information yet. i wonder how can they think that i know what i am talking about when they ask me questions about why this happens, when clearly, i am no expert. in my opinion, i am only an expert in picking up the pieces of my own life and making it better. regardless of how separations or divorce 'happens,' one thing i know...this is no ideal situation for anyone, but i think maybe none of us is looking for true answers, but rather support from other women going through it too. 

letting go

i recently read that insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results.

i think i am insane.

well i sure hope i'm not, but if that is the definition, i might be close. i kept hoping things would be different "this time," yet each time he'd come back, we'd fall into the same pattern. sometimes it would take a few months, but most recently (although he hadn't moved back), it only took a couple weeks. this is even after i made it clear that we NEEDED a plan. a plan! yes, we would not continue making the same mistakes, repeating history, beating a dead horse.

let's just say it don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine 'round here. no plan, same problems. even though i want it so badly, there's no way to heal together if healing isn't part of your frame of mind. and, you sure as hell can't make someone see what needs to be healed if they don't want to do the work.   sometimes that healing needs to go back to before you as a couple even existed. some wounds run deep and long and unless you're ready to look at them really really hard, good luck being in a healthy relationship.

something i have for sure learned is that there is no one person guilty at the failure of a relationship. both people play such crucial roles in the relationship that i see how divorce is considered 'no fault' in minnesota. kind of like certain kinds of car accidents. sometimes they are just so messy and complex and impossible to separate one reason for a divorce from another.

i still cry, but they're not tears that come on with seemingly no reason. they don't last like they used to either. the whole idea of being single again has begun to hurt less. i'm less afraid and far less desperate. i was willing to make all sorts of concessions, to put my values and the things that matter to me aside in hopes of having us work out. i realize that isn't realistic. i also realize i can't make him see me for me, for the good i brought to our life together. the things he would need to do to see that would require him to make huge changes. honestly, i don't think he can see things the way i do, how things could be if he'd just try a new way of doing things. it pisses me off that i've been here, seeing him along this journey with his career and now i won't get to enjoy the life we could have had together once he gets into a position that doesn't require so much travel. all the bad, none of the good.

i know i've done my share of changing. i've been so.damn.patient. so kind, understanding. convenient. THERE. never again. i'm better than this and i deserve better. it'd even be better to be alone than to be treated with such irrelevance. what i do for everyone in our family is worth more than any dollar amount and most of what happens would go undone if i wasn't the one home taking care of things.

there are better days ahead. no more feeling like i'm re-reading the same chapter of the same book over and over and over again. no more feeling like magnets with the opposite ends pushing together, getting SOOOO close, just to push away. that's how this marriage has felt. we come really close but we just never really align. always just a minute too late or a few steps ahead or behind all the time. my days ahead will feel bright, kind and full of love and opportunity.

a beautiful struggle

i love hearing and knowing so many people have wonderful lives. we all do, really. wonderful doesn't mean perfect, in my eyes. every day is a chance to do things differently, to wake up with a new perspective, do things differently and to be who we want to be. it can be really hard and lonely though, when you know you have troubles or difficulties, yet you don't see many people sharing or talking about those difficulties. 

i am not sure why we feel like we can't share the "bad" because we have no problem sharing the good. people can't seem to wait to share all the great things they are experiencing in life. it just doesn't always really create good, heartfelt bonds when we just rattle off the stuff we think others will be impressed with or care about. i have to ask though, if we share the not-so-good stuff, do we think we are we admitting that we are weak or that we have no shame or pride? if we can only share the good, are we in denial of what is really going on in our lives? 

obviously with good comes bad. all things come in pairs. so it's no surprise to anyone that we all have troubles, but if we keep them to ourselves, what is to become of them? do they just fester and become bigger, leaving us to feel more isolated because we have no one saying, 'i've been there! i can understand the pain you are going through'? it's definitely not easy to say that i am struggling and i need help. asking for help is one of the hardest things for me to do. i'd rather try and figure things out on my own, but sometimes, that isn't possible. asking for help can be embarrassing, humiliating and very hard, especially when you've always been the kind of person who doesn't need a lot of help. all i know is, as hard as it is to ask for help, now that i have, i now feel so.much.better. i can sleep easier tonight knowing i have a few less things to worry about. i am letting others help me in different ways in order to lighten my load, so that i can focus on the things that need me to be fully present. lying in bed awake last night worrying left me a tired mama this morning and i knew i had to reach out. it was truly one of my best moments, realizing i didn't have to try and do this transition alone. during a weak moment, i found strength to reach out. and seriously. what a relief. 

there is no shame in making decisions that will get you where you want to be in the end. there is no embarrassment in saying i can't do this alone right now and i need some help bearing the weight of these hard things that feel very immediate and pressing. it would be a real shame if i had narrowed my life to the point that i had no one to turn to for help. where would i be then, if i had listened to him and allowed myself to push away the important people in my life, those that have been here for me all along? 

years and years ago, my mom and sisters and i were at a hotel. my mom was a single mom at the time and us girls were all in our pre-teen years. my mom didn't date a lot and we relied on each other tremendously to support the various needs of our family. looking back, i can't even figure out what we were doing to separate ourselves from one another in the hotel room because no one had cell phones or iPods at that time, but we were probably bickering. so at one point, my mom got very frustrated. she had us all come to the sink area of the room and she had a glass in her hand. she said, "this glass is like my heart. it is filled with water, which represents love. every time i give you my time, my energy, anything, i'm giving you my love. each act of love takes away from the love i have." (as she is talking, she poured a little water out of the glass). She continued on, "if i continue to give give give, and you guys don't show me you appreciate me, love me, care about me, soon my heart will be empty and i will have nothing left to give you (glass now empty). But if you do small things that show me you care, that you love me, like cleaning up after you make a mess in the kitchen instead of leaving it for me, or watering my plants because you notice they're dry, or spend time with me just talking, you are filling my heart with love, little by little. then i will be able to continue to give you love." i saw something today that called this our 'love bank.' we all have accounts that need withdrawls AND deposits.

i'm not gonna lie. at the time, it was one of those moments we thought, this is it, mom has lost it. but as i each year i get older, i understand it better. relationships are give and take. we do small things to show people we care, that they are important to us, that we love them and then they do the same, in their own way, in their own time. these things keep us full and help us to give to others. 

our love banks are real and i really think it's time we start looking out for each other, noticing when someone is struggling, in case asking for help or talking about their troubles is not something they are good at. we all can help to fill each other's hearts with small acts of kindness and love. i believe we cannot have the 'every-man-for-himself' approach. life is too hard as it is...there's gotta be a better way to get through this than trying to do it alone. right now, thanks to all my really fantastic friends and family, i feel i have love flowing around me, through me and filling me right up. pretty amazing feeling when it seems i should be feeling the complete opposite. 

New Year's Eve 2013

Everything lately feels like a bunch of "we were supposed to be's." like we were supposed to be dressed up & out dancing and having fun tonight. I'd been looking forward to a child-free night with my husband (ok...now soon to be ex)... celebrating his months of working hard and traveling and my keeping everything together while he was gone. we were supposed to be anticipating what might come next career-wise for him and what it could mean for the rest of us.
Instead I'm planning what my 'new' room is going to look like and what my daughters' room will look like. Instead I'm trying to anticipate how long I'm going to feel like shit and what I'm going to do to come out of this...while maintaining some semblance of normalcy and not too many days of puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks.
My New Year's resolutions usually look quite like most people's resolutions: eat healthier, exercise more, drink more water, be more present, etc. this year, ive already been doing those things. I also tend to forget them after a short time. This year, I must be less generic. I desire more now.
Recently I felt an awakening of my soul. it was beautifully alarming and I only shared about it with a couple people. The third person I shared with was my husband and in the same moment that I decided I wanted to share with him what I was experiencing, it was gone. just like that. how does this happen? did I let it happen this way? I don't think so.
I've decided my resolution will be to allow that awakening of my soul to come back; to feed it, to nurture it and to encourage it to stay. I wish to be more authentic with my heart and myself so that all people can know me for who I am and so there is no confusion. defending myself, who I know to be me, is exhausting. Somehow and for some unknown reason, I keep my authentic self to myself or share it bit by bit with those I feel will be gentle with me. I am not perfect; i am human. I am broken, but not unloveable. My heart will be healed and I know it will take time.