a new kind of alone

my husband travels a lot for work. on average, he's gone 3-4 nights a week. so it's not that i'm not comfortable being alone at night. the kids are used to him being away for work, so it's not that either. yesterday while i was at work, he moved his things out of our home. he had woken me up in the middle of the night before and told me for the 3rd time in a month, that he was done, and we were divorcing. i had told him that he needed to make a decision and follow through because i could not live in limbo anymore. around 2:30 yesterday afternoon, my mom (who was at home watching my 2 littlest ones) started texting me that he was moving stuff out. "office stuff."  "now clothes." it was such a weird feeling that he was actually doing it and that i had no idea what he was actually taking or leaving. i went running before i went home and by the time i got there, he was gone. 


the afternoon was normal because he was never there during that time anyway. when i opened his closet door to see just how much of his stuff he took, i felt a complete feeling of emptiness, just like his closet. everything was gone except his pile of white socks and a random running shoe. it's not easy to explain to a 3.5 year old why daddy's stuff is now gone. he just didn't really understand i don't think. 


it was after the kids' bedtime that i really felt differently. even though he is gone a lot, it was a different kind of alone. when i was alone and he was traveling, it didn't feel so 'alone' as much as it felt nice and quiet, "me time." last night, i felt completely alone. he wasn't going to come back. if he had been working, he would come home and unpack here. that's not going to happen again. making food for the kids, all on me. getting them to and from daycare, me. bedtimes, me. cleaning the house and picking up, me. 


it is easy to focus on what i am missing, what the kids are going to go through with all of this. right now i am reminding myself that this did not JUST HAPPEN. this is the culmination of a rocky relationship that we have both done our share of trying to make work, just never at the same time to the same extent. this is the result of feeling alone even when he is here sitting next to me. this is what happens when you feel like you have had to convince a person to stay, to marry you, to work on things. i am not willing to do that anymore. i am reminding myself of how i felt always feeling i had to defend myself and my feelings; how he spoke to my oldest two kids (his step kids) and the constant bickering among the six of us in the family. none of that is a healthy place to be for him or i or the kids to see and experience. 


for my kids, i need to be the strongest, happiest me possible. i need to show them that i can hold it together and provide a healthy, happy home for them. i want my daughters to know they don't have to stay in an unhealthy or unhappy relationship for any reason. i want them to know that they deserve to be treated with love and kindness. that they should only have the highest expectations for themselves and the relationships they have. i want my sons to know how to be respectful men, in how they act, speak to and treat people. i want them to know they don't have to stay in a relationship just because there is a house and kids and a wife and joint accounts. that is never a reason to stay, unless you are honestly going to work on being a better partner and changing how you behave. i want a peaceful home, where my kids do not have to worry or fight because they feel like any are more important than the others. THIS is what i am going to focus on. the four amazing gifts i've been given and entrusted with to raise and care for, and myself. in doing this, i pray that i find the clarity i need to forgive, heal and move on.