today i am feeling hopeful

it's no secret that my husband and i have been struggling. out of respect for us both and the fact that i'm trying to put a new foot forward in our relationship, i won't get into the messy details, except to say everyone says communication is key. we tried many different ways of communicating, with no real gains, and i felt like it was better not to speak because he wasn't listening anyway. many people knew we were going to Retrouvaille last weekend and i have been so busy trying to find time to work, catch up with the kids, keep up with the house, and not to mention my husband, but to also make time for 'dialoging' (more about that later) that i am finally able to share a little bit about where we are now.

it's now been 4 days since we finished 'our weekend' through the retrouvaille program. there's a certain kind of irony about this program. we were ready to file for divorce when we signed up for the program. when i walked into the hotel where we stayed for the weekend with twenty-two other couples in very similar situations, i was so nervous and doubtful that this would ever be able to help us. both of us had such long lists of what we wanted addressed and i just thought there would not be enough time in a day, let alone three days, to get us through any part of our lists. as i noticed other couples checking in, we all nervously made eye contact with eachother and were grateful for the short time we had in our rooms before going down to the conference room.

i am not going to give too many details about the program because if i were to try and put all that we did in a nutshell, it would not do the program any justice, but here are the basics. there were twenty-two couples from all over the area. there were three couples who acted as 'presenters' during the weekend, sharing their stories of how they returned to love after much hurt, despair and misery in their marriages, and (in our case) there was a Catholic priest (one of the most amazing priests i've met). all three couples and the priest related thevarious parts of the retrouvaille program to their own relationships. (on a side note, the priest did a wonderful job really looking at himself and how he went through the four stages of marriage being married to the Church). anyway, throughout the weekend and as the program intensified, we learned more about the couples presenting and how their experience with Retrouvaille's program helped them through. after a presentation, either the husband or wife would go up to their room and write a short piece to their husband/wife (after receiving the directions after presentation). we focused on learning how to share our feelings with one another, without needing to explain or judge or defend ourselves or our actions. that was the main focus of the weekend. one of the presenting couples said was, "You aren't working on resolving your problems, but as you get better at understanding your spouse, those problems will seemingly melt away." and i am here to say, they did. not all of them and not completely, but we are at a much better place.

the dialogue's purpose is to get to a mutual understanding. we will always work on this piece of the program, as it will never go away. that is the part where we learn to respectfully share what we are feeling, without the need to ask why, how, or judging that the other shouldn't feel a certain way. thinking back to high school, we were always taught to debate, to defend our position on a topic in position papers, so i think it's only natural that we want to defend ourselves from what feels like an accusation or an attack of our character, but there was none of that. some things are easier to dialogue about and some are more difficult to find the right word, but digging deep and learning this technique has provided us an unimaginable relief.

the transformation of the couples over the weekend was fascinating. on friday night at 7 p.m. walking into the conference room, we all sat in the equally spaced chairs, next to our spouse, in silence, or exchanging very light remarks. i think that they call that 'stubborn silence.' when we heard there would be no group discussions or sharing by taking turns, i'm pretty sure i heard a unanimous sigh of relief! saturday morning, we all dragged ourselves down for breakfast and there was a notable change in the atmosphere. we were all exhausted emotionally, and of course from the sleep you get when you go to bed too late and wake up too early, but there was less silence. couples were talking a little more, asking if the other wanted coffee or needed anything. my husband felt hungover, without the help of any alcohol, and one lady said she felt like she'd been hit by a truck (i agreed). saturday was a long, long, LONG day, filled with an enormous amount of progress. after each session, couples would come back from their rooms and i noticed husbands rubbing their wives backs, the chairs got closer and formed pairs, rather than rows of equally spaced chairs. by the end of saturday, we were given a chance to share anything we wanted. some chose to say a few words, but most did not. the ones that did say something cried a little from the sheer hope of saving their relationship, from the possibility of having their husband or wife "back." all this in a an evening and a long day and for many, it came after being served divorce papers.  bedtime was late again, but we all came to breakfast on sunday morning, feeling equally exhausted, but ready for anything because there was renewed sense of hope and love in how we felt towards our spouses and our marriages. by the end of sunday, we were asked to share again, as someone in the room might be able to benefit from what we might say. once again, our chairs were coupled up, knowing smiles were shared between spouses and love was abundant in the room.

for the next six saturdays, we will be joining this same group of couples for follow up, or post sessions. there was a great relief knowing we all knew that we didn't have to pretend to have it all together, as we do with other friends or family. everyone was there for the same reason at some level or another. friendships were formed and hopefully we can all find couples with whom we can share time with later on, to be not only friends with, but to act as a support system for eachother. there's no couple that doesn't have issues at one point or another, it's what you decide to do with those troubles that determine where you will end up.

i choose not to use the word "blessed" very often, but after this weekend, i feel blessed to have the opportunity to be married to a husband who isn't giving up on our marriage, who is commited to learning a new way with me. hopefully our children can learn this new way of sharing feelings too, so that when they are older, no one can ever tell them they don't know how to communicate effectively! here's an example of how well it can work: my six year old was missing me very much after being with grandma for a week and a half. when i dropped her off last thursday after swimming lessons, she cried, wanted to come with me but wanted to stay. she was feeling very conflicted. so when we returned, she was curious what we had done, so since she brought it up over and over leading up to this dialogue, saying things like, "mommy i was so sad, i cried myself asleep." or "mommy i was so sad, even grandma couldn't help me." i walked her through the dialogue technique to understand how she felt that thursday night. she gave it a '10' on a scale of 1-10. so i said, "so you felt like i had died and wasn't coming back?" (i was reflecting how a 10 might feel to me to understand her level of sadness). she laughed and said, "ok, maybe a 7." so i asked her what color her feeling of sadness felt like. she said, "greenish brown, like the mississippi river."  then that was enough and she got up smiling, where as prior to that, she wouldn't leave my lap. she was happy and seemed felt understood and let me know she thought i understood her, too. it hasn't come up again.

right now, i'd give my feeling about my future with my husband a big, huge 10. it might change and they warned us it might if we were feeling super hopeful. however, i really hope it doesn't change too much and that with all of these tools we have been given and the ones we will be given in the coming weeks, that we will be able to be a part of the 70% success rate of this program.

.