tears, advice & self-esteem

this last week has been a roller coaster ride. i'm not gonna lie. tuesday, wednesday and thursday i cried at the drop of a hat. anything that reminded me of my now ex-husband-who-literally-has-nothing-left-in-my-house, hit me hard. thursday i was supposed to go to a meeting, but i didn't go. my boss emailed me and called me and i didn't answer or reply. i just couldn't. i didn't know what to say or how to answer any questions she might have for me about work. she sent me a text asking if i was going to use PTO for thursday. my reply, i guess so. the worst happened friday night. i decided i'd go out with my sister and her friends, to have something to do. we were all sitting around, talking and having fun and all of a sudden my sister says to me, why are you crying? i didn't even realize it. i got up and sat in the bathroom for at least 45 minutes. i just wanted to go home, but it made me even sadder thinking that no one was at home anticipating my arrival. my sister's friend drove me home and i talked the whole way and he could relate as he just went through the end of his engagement...and every time i'd say something, he'd remind me, "and that's why he's not your partner. someone better is out there for you." on saturday, i laid at the pool and on the floaty in the pool. i was numb. i never just lay around, so this was good for me. i'm trying to give myself a break. 

i spent my afternoon today sorting through my dresser and closet, figuring out which clothes i was going to put in his (my) closet and what i'd use each dresser for. while i was doing all of this, i was thinking over the past week and all the words of advice i've received during this really difficult past week. just thinking about them and repeating them in my head gave me a lot of strength this week and i just wanted to share in case anyone else is out there who can benefit from them. they are simple, but important.

-Be strong. You are doing the right thing for you and the kids. (on questioning if divorce is really the right choice)

-If he'd been nice, you wouldn't be getting divorced. (on wondering why some people turn so mean)

-That's the way it goes. Crying is healing. (on me crying all the time & while out having fun)

-Remain cordial. Don't get into arguments. (on minimizing interaction)

-Hold your head up high. Make up your mind this is the right thing to do and don't look back. (on doubting the decision)

-Don't let the kids get in the middle of anything. (on keeping it between him and i)

-Hang in there! You will be better without him!  (on feeling weak)

a couple of weeks ago, when my counselor gave me a self-esteem evaluation tool to me, i thought to myself, "i'm confident, i know what i want out of life...but we all have things we need to work on so i'll just take a look." when i read it for the first time, i was amazed to see some of the items on there that are connected to self-esteem. that whole, he's breaking you down to help himself feel better thing? yep...#9: I treat others with respect and dignity. Seeing that one has helped me tremendously to realize it wasn't me all the time. Some i had no idea about though, like being kind to myself, making decisions, valuing my own feelings, being able to learn something from each moment of the day. i could go on and on. there is so much for me to work on, even if i give myself a 4 or 5 today on any given statement, tomorrow it could be a 2. i've already learned self-esteem doesn't just happen. it is a constant process of looking at ourselves honestly, kindly and openly so we can know where we are falling short in loving and accepting ourselves before we can truly love another person unconditionally and accept them for who they are where they are right now and not try to change them. 

EVERYONE has advice on how you know you're ready to move on. in the middle of cleaning, i said to my sister, "i don't think i really care about what he's doing anymore." she laughed and said, "elsa, you just said you don't want to picture him with someone else, even though you're glad it won't be you." someone once told her that she would know that she had healed from her relationship and divorce when her ex-husband's name or image came into her mind and she could say she honestly had no feeling one way or another about him. someone else told me there's some little formula for the time you need to give yourself, like so many months for every year you were married. i'm not even sure about that one. i've just decided that i'm in no hurry. i have plenty to learn about myself and plenty i need to do in order to be the best me possible. i still have a long way to go because i'm not perfect. i've made mistakes and i need to accept them and forgive myself for them so i can be free of them. i want to be able to have solid 4s and 5s on my self-esteem statements. sounds silly, but it's something concrete where i can measure my success and a way to gently remind myself that there is always a way to do better for myself without defending or explaining why. 

     It is better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret. ~Jackie Joyner-Kersee