i owned this day.

image from mayhemandmuse.com

today was a kind of a big day for me as a single mama. it was our first major holiday with no daddy around. what's more is the kids didn't even seem to mind that he wasn't there. if they did, they didn't talk about it once we left for church. there was so much symbolism in my day today, it was kind of overwhelming at times. today we celebrated Jesus' rising from the dead, new life and for me, new beginnings. today we celebrated the miracle of new life. that from the dead cold of winter, plants come back to life. the kids were thankful, appreciative and (mostly) loving to each other. i put up my favorite decoration to hang outside my door...it's a hummingbird. the hummingbird, which in many cultures is symbolic of resurrection and new life as well, because in climates where it becomes too cold sometimes, they seem to die and then come back to life when it warms up. it's called torpor and it's a survival strategy. i didn't know of the symbolism until recently. it's pretty amazing how fitting things can be without even trying to make it happen.

Easter. the kids woke up around 7 a.m. (thank you, kids), woke up the oldest, who wasn't grumpy being up at 7, and found their baskets. they were pretty disappointed the Easter bunny didn't leave much candy, but they got over it when i told them grandma would have a candy hunt and they'd end up with plenty. anyway, the two little ones both had accidents over night (of course) and so i had to bathe all three younger kids. knowing we were on a tight schedule to make it to 9 a.m. mass, i had to have a good system. i got them in and out of the tub and dressed, sent them to the van with their new books and coloring kits while i got dressed and ready to go by 8:20. (these are the things you do so you can get ready as fast as possible). am i superwoman? probably. 

as i was sitting on the off ramp to church, my friend (who is also in the midst of a divorce) was texting me.

friend: Happy Easter to my beautiful friend!!
me: Happy Easter to you too! hope you have a wonderful first single mama easter!
friend: thanks:) you too!! we will be just fine. i know this. 
me: i hope so. i'm terrified. i gave him the child support papers last night. shit just got real. (lol) But look at it this way. we celebrate new life on Easter. what a perfect first holiday as single moms. A new life!!
friend: it is perfect and els, we are so strong, we can do it and we have each other.
me: you are making me cry! 
friend: don't cry, you have your kids and your family and your friends and me :-)

she's right. she's that kind of friend. she has a category of her own. not family, not friends. she's both. by choice. i don't know that there's a name for that kind of friend, but she's amazing and i don't know what i'd do without her. it's not that i want to go through a divorce or see my friend go through the hell of divorce either, but if i had to pick a friend to go through it all with, it'd be her. i'm so thankful i have someone i can talk to who understands it all.



we barely made it, but we did. the church was packed for family mass, but we got to sit on the steps to the side of the alter and the kids got great seats to see the baby animals a farmer brings in each Easter. my 4 year old, Calvin, brought his gold coin chocolates in his shirt pocket and he was sharing them with his sisters while the baby animals were out. we sang Morning Has Broken and i teared up as it was the song my grandpa used to sing to us to wake us up in the mornings. i can still see him with his arms spread out and singing as loud as he could. he was the best grandpa i could've ever asked for...i saw his strength when i told my grandparents i was pregnant at the age of 19. after about two hours of trying to find the right moment, i did it. while everyone was in complete dismay and thought i'd never finish college or that i was too young and i was ruining my life, he looked at me, looked around at everyone else, back to me, and nodding his head, said, "she will be just fine." he's the grandpa my 4 year old is named after, who was born the day after he died (in a different year).
to end a great Easter mass, all four kids cooperated and i got a nice picture of them all. together. smiling. looking sweet. there were no meltdowns. YES!!

sometimes it's hard to wake up to another day, knowing that as a single mom i am doing the job of two. knowing that there are going to be kids wondering if they will see daddy today. it's hard because i don't know if it will ever get easier or if i just get used to it, so it seems easier. i don't think married people with kids can understand how crazy it is to be a single parent. no one can really understand how it feels to suddenly have to do IT ALL, all yourself. my sister's husband was sick for a while with a bad flu, so she wanted to keep their newborn and their 2 year old out of the house while he was at his worst. she told me how hard it was and how she had a new appreciation of what i do as a single mom of four kids, that she didn't know how i did it and she only has two kids. all i know is that tomorrow is another day, a new day to try to handle things a little better than i did today. i try to wake up each day and claim the day as mine.

I OWNED THIS DAY. i am reclaiming my life and have decided once and for all that my happiness is not decided by anyone else but me. i could've felt sorry for myself all day and let him not being here ruin my approach to the day, but i didn't. like the hummingbird coming out of torpor, my muscles will twitch, my heartbeat will begin to beat a little faster, a little harder. i will wake up from survival mode and seek what gives me energy to keep me going every day. and once all of this happens, i will have what i need to be the best mama, friend, sister and me that i know i can be.

p.s. in case you don't know the words or it's been a while, here are the lyrics to the song my grandpa always sang.

Morning Has Broken- Cat Stevens

  Morning has broken, like the first morning. 

                                                 Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird. 
                                               Praise for the singing, praise for the morning, 
                                             Praise for them springing fresh from the Word. 

                                              Sweet the rain's new fall, sunlight from heaven. 
                                                   Like the first dewfall, on the first grass. 
                                                Praise for the sweetnes of the wet garden, 
                                             Sprung in completeness where His feet pass. 

                                               Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning. 
                                                   Born of the one light Eden saw play. 
                                               Praise with elation, praise every morning; 
                                                      God's recreation of the new day. 

                                              Morning has broken, like the first morning. 
                                              Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird. 
                                            Praise for the singing, praise for the morning, 
                                            Praise for them springing fresh from the Word.

progress!

last summer, my (ex) husband and i split up (for the third time that year). i was pretty convinced i couldn't wouldn't get on that roller coaster any more. every time was more confusing than the last. i got tired of trying to pick up the pieces, explaining why daddy wasn't sleeping at our house, where he was or why they were sleeping somewhere else that weekend. i was ready (i thought) to be done with the whole thing because it was just too painful.

i felt invaluable. i felt disposable. i felt unlovable. i felt like what i did (still do) for our family was such important work and i didn't get why or how he couldn't also see the value in what i do. i felt like the what if's in my head were going to make me crazy! friends kept telling me that no matter what i did, it wasn't right. that it seemed i was in a lose-lose situation. my heart felt like it was being squeezed and stabbed with a sharp knife at the same time. i felt like a little bit of me was dying every day, like a flower losing its petals.

the first weekend he had our two kids, my daughter was at her dad's. my son was with friends for the weekend. since i was free and my sister had plans to go see a band that was playing at a local place, i invited myself to go along. i got all ready, felt like i looked really good and i was ready to do something social.

so there we were, sitting in the bar, having a drink. i look up at my sister and she mouths to me, "why are you crying?" i stood up quickly (because i hadn't even realized i was crying...haha...i can laugh about it now), walked my 'i look really good' walk to the bathroom and locked myself in the stall and cried. for forty-five minutes. my sister would come in and ask me if i was okay and i'd say, "yes, go away." so totally unexpected. by the time i finally emerged from the bathroom, i think every woman in the place knew it was me who was compromising the bathroom stall for almost an hour crying her eyes out. so pitiful. my sister's friend had to drive me home because the tears didn't stop. i told him out of embarrassment, "i'm sorry, i'm just having a really hard time." i went home and slept in the cute nightie i bought to wear for my husband (because that's what you do after you spend the night crying your eyes out in the bathroom at the bar).

the next day, i woke up and made myself eggs with tomatoes from the garden, topped with avocado. drank my coffee in silence. i had heard about sitting with the silence, sitting with my feelings of being alone. it was the strangest feeling, to be able to wake up on my own, make my breakfast and eat it before it got cold, drink my coffee at my own speed, before it got cold. i thought about my disastrous night and realized that the reason i cried was that for the first time in a very long time, no one was at home waiting up for me, expecting me to return. there wasn't a single person who needed me that night. it was such a different feeling than just being out, knowing everyone will be there and life continues on. i knew they needed me but not in the instantaneous way it usually was. it was a very empty feeling.
we got back together after a few weeks, but it turned right back to the way things usually were pretty soon after. with him working out of town so much, i started asking for more help from others. i started letting myself think, feel and really be honest with myself about this whole thing. no one wants a divorce. it's nothing people think about when they get married or are married. for some people, sometimes things just happen one day and it's enough to almost kill them. me...i just learned how to cope a little bit better over time. the kids still go with him, but i'm at a better place now. i'm okay just sitting with these feelings, learning how to feel and know what it is i'm feeling. it's still lonely a lot of times, especially because i am SO used to my little people helping to fill my time up and decide what we do each day. i try to tell my friend who is going through a divorce that it will get easier. better. the tears will stop. it won't hurt so bad. the problem is, you just have no clue when that day is going to come.

in hindsight it is kind of crazy that i was such a wreck. now i have no problem with saying good bye to him. i'll go see a movie by myself or i reach out and make plans so i can enjoy my time. there is definitely a sense of freedom and lightness. honestly, it feels really, really, good now. life really does start the moment you decide to change it. not calling him and begging him to work on things this time around has been the hardest thing i've ever had to do. i just know i will not keep doing this. i do love him and i do miss him, but not the him that was in a relationship with. i miss the idea of him and i. i can differentiate that now. thank God. my freedom is coming and looking back almost 9 months ago, i see i have made such huge progress. i love myself. i value myself. i love all the great unknowns that are on their way. i can keep doing better. i no longer allow my worth be determined by someone else. i do the things i love because they make me feel happy and fulfilled. i do not worry other's perception about the things that make me happy. i make time to do what makes me feel good and spend time with people who care. i almost forgot that one...i used to feel so uncared for. i thought i would be so alone, but the reality is, i feel more cared about than i had in way too long. i see people loving me and caring about me just as i am and that is beautiful.

question: what do you do so that you can see progress, especially that which can be hard to measure? how do you stay focused on making this kind of progress? 

thank you for reading!

smile. it confuses people.

i'm pretty sure once a day i hear someone say (completely baffled), "i just don't know how you do it all, elsa." i'm going to let you in on a little secret: i don't really know how i do it all, either. i just DO. i also hear how with all i have going on, i always look so 'together' and 'calm' and 'at peace.' guess i'm kinda good at confusing people. 

i'm also sure it seems that i'm sitting in my house, constantly thinking about this whole divorce/separation/singleness, i think it's time to reveal that i DO actually think about other things. other very important things. things that actually consume so much of my time and energy, that the only time i can actually think about being single is when all the kids are in bed and i'm sitting in the quiet of my house. 

the truth is, the kids seem alright. they are still loud, still rowdy and still talk over each other and interrupt one another. we still rush to practices, games, the gym for me to work out, appointments, school events and lessons, but the kids? they seem more balanced, in tune with what they need and have become quite self-reliant. after all, as i tell them, i'm only one person and one person can't possibly do it all and i sure as heck shouldn't be doing things for them that they can do for themselves! my oldest, Camron, likes to hang out with me again at night, once the little ones are in bed. my 6.5 year old daughter, Amaija, seems to have grown up and has become far more decisive than she ever has been (you should see the outfits she puts together these days and is so prepared for school, it's almost unbelievable!). she flits around the house, dancing and singing, doing her homework with her older brother at the table. my four year old son, Calvin, has recently been diagnosed with Autism. i won't get into it now, but let's say that for people to notice he is 'calmer' than usual...well, it's a really big deal.  he's getting a little better with getting himself dressed a day here and there. he will brush his teeth. he started an early childhood special ed preschool this week and although he's only been three days, most have been okay. (wait...yesterday he yelled, "i don't want to go to that stupid smelly butthead school anymore!" and then i mentioned maybe he'd like to wear the cape i made him and he willingly rode the bus.) SUCCESS! finally, my baby...she's 2.5 and doesn't want help from anyone. i am so thankful for the preschool program my four year old started because i feel like my Ani and i just don't get time together until now. in the last few days, we have gotten to play and cuddle and go shopping. it's so fun! (and i am caught up on laundry. mostly.)

even with all of this goodness happening, i think and worry a lot. i worry because calvin demands a lot of care and i feel like my other kids get less attention. i get stressed out and exhausted from the constant, heightened awareness i must have just to keep up with him. for example. this morning, the puppy came into my room. i figured it was about 6:30 a.m., that calvin had let her out, and so i picked her up, ready to take her outside. so then i noticed the t.v was on, lights were on, a half eaten package of Oreos was on the table and then i noticed a sleeping little boy on the couch, curled up in a ball. i checked the clock and it was 4:30 a.m. and the movie had been running for over an hour. how i did not hear calvin wake up at that time of the night is a mystery. guess he wanted to party and was down for some alone time. (this morning he told me he ate 10 Oreos and then three more). awesome. 

i worry because i can't help cam with his homework as i would like or that the oldest two don't practice violin enough because it's just too crazy some days. i worry that i'm spread too thin. i don't doubt that i have enough love for all of them, i worry that i don't have it in me to do this day in and day out. but, i know i can because i do. i worry about money, myself, sleeping, if i can handle the puppy, how i will work, cooking good meals, how i will keep up with everything plus laundry and cleaning bathrooms. never mind the duvet cover i set out to sew and hardly work on...seriously, i'm constantly thinking about how it's all going to work out. so far, it just has.

some days i realize i haven't washed my hair in a few days and even if i'm just going to the gym, i must shower before. i leave a lot of messes in order to get out of the house on time, even if it is for Pilates and not a real appointment. the kitchen can wait. sometimes i find a really wet Pull-Up at the bottom of the laundry basket that someone sent down the chute and i cringe with disgust. i know frozen pizza is a terrible dinner, but some days, i just can't get dinner figured out in my head ahead of time. there are days cam walks to my sister's house between school sports and traveling team practice. thankfully my kids are pretty understanding.

i just want to do it all just right. i don't want to fail my kids as their mom. i don't want my kids to ever feel like i wasn't there for them. my girls get no shortage of attention, it is just very clear to me that the attention that each of them gets is very different and i am thankful that i am able to meet their needs. maybe i'm just too hard on myself and set my own standards as a mom far too high. i don't believe that being a single mom is a bad thing. my mom told me that my house looked the best she had seen it in a while and that the house just felt peaceful. (thanks mom). when the days seem too rushed and the kids seem a little too crazy, i slow down. i stop trying to 'get things done' and sit with them. we might make big huge messes, but we have yummy soups with craggy-cut veggies in them and really yummy cookies in the end. maybe i'm doing more than just something right.