mom, i peed in your bed.

there's nothing quite like waking up to your four year old son saying, ''mom...i peed in your bed.'' i quickly told him to get up and go change, which he did, while i lay there with a sleeping 2.5 year old snoring next to me on my right side. as i lay there stuck on my side, i thought to myself, "well at least he told you before you rolled over and figured it out that way." it really is the little things, people.

so, my four year old son is not 100% potty trained, you see. he needs a lot of reminders all day long and was not really doing very well at night with Pull-Ups staying dry so when we ran out, i ran to Target to buy more. i decided to buy those pads that stick to their sheets instead of Pull-Ups. he did pretty well for a few nights, until last night, that is. also, i wasn't really thinking that i wouldn't be putting the pee pad in my bed. guess i didn't really think this whole thing through.

they love sleeping together

calvin (on the left) always comes in during the night to sleep with me (or us, before my ex moved out for the last time). calvin claims he "never EVER gets to sleep with me," which is a very big understatement and a very hard argument to win at 2 in the morning. before husband moved out after Christmas, we shared a queen size bed in the not-so-huge master bedroom in our not-so-big rambler style house. husband is a pretty big guy (6'2'', 250 lbs) so my share of the bed was never a whole lot, but then you add a four year old to the space and, as of last summer, a 2 year old, and mama ends up with the two year old wrapped in her arm, balancing herself and the little one from falling off the bed, while the boys sleep comfortably on the rest of the bed. squishing mom off to the side wasn't really an intentional thing, as most co-sleeping families/parents with small night visitors know, but nonetheless, i'm good at sleeping in one spot all night.

now, when husband moved out, i would lay in our bed, in our room that felt completely empty, and i swear every sound echoed. i knew behind his closet door was an empty closet. i knew inside his dresser were empty drawers. i still laid in my same space in the bed and perfected not falling off my bed in the night when i had two small night visitors even though there was really plenty of space now in that bed. i decided one night i could not stay in that room. i didn't want that bed, i didn't want anything to do with the one place that would constantly remind me that he used to be there and now was not. that room felt empty and lonely and strange now. i felt like i was laying in another person's bedroom and i didn't belong. my girls were squished in their bedroom now that anja was out of her crib and in a twin bed, so i decided then and there that they would move into the master bedroom and i'd move into their smaller room.

my mom and step dad brought my brass bed over from when i was little. my FULL size brass bed. i didn't care that it was a full size bed. maybe it'd force me to train the kids to sleep in their own beds. my girls had a very colorful bedroom and i would cry looking at 'my' room, with green on the bottom half of the walls, a hot pink stripe around the room and purple at the top, with my childhood bed in there. it felt so ridiculous. i was going to CLAIM MY SPACE, have it beautiful and cozy and MINE. i bought paint and painted that room in a couple days. i found a duvet cover pattern so i ran out and bought fabric and started cutting the pieces out right away. the paint color isn't EXACTLY what i wanted and

my duvet cover isn't finished quite yet (i've got the front done!), but it's mine and it doesn't feel lonely or echoey. i have a 'little bed' set up next to my bed on the floor (crib mattress made up with lots of blankets) for when anja comes in. the truth is, no one sleeps down there and i'm too tired to enforce my nighttime rules. hey, i'm only ONE PERSON. the one person my kids want to sleep with. one night i told anja to sleep on the little bed because "this is what we do. we sleep. because mamas with no sleep are crabby." and she said, "okay mama. i'll sleep down here. because this is what we do. we sleep." yes baby. we sleep. BUT then she popped up and said very exasperated, "if i sleep down here, i can't put my hand on your chest." i said, "you don't NEED to put your hand on me!" her two year old reasoning was, "yes i DO, mama. i have to because i have hands." how do you argue with that?! she climbed on up, we snuggled up and i hung on to the side of my full size bed while the boy slept soundly beside me with plenty of space. sigh.


maybe i need one of these. especially if one day i have to move out of this house and into something smaller...i'm pretty sure the kids wouldn't mind!! i'm also thinking they might still end up in my bed...but when it is all said and done, all kids learn to be independent sleepers. my oldest crept in to sleep with me until age 6 and my second slept with me until she was about 4, when my pregnant belly was too big for more people in the bed.



while i know it won't last forever and i don't always enjoy having a couple of kids in my bed with me every night, waking up stiff because i haven't moved in 8 hours and sometimes i wake up to wet sheets, i'm thankful for them for helping me keep my bed warm(er), for my 2.5 year old daughter who puts her little hand on my chest to fall asleep like she did when she was nursing, and i'm super thankful they feel so safe in my bed with me (even though we're squished). i don't know that i want to take that from them when their lives are being turned upside down. my space isn't entirely mine as i had envisioned, yet it is sacred anyway. it is sacred because they come to me to be loved. and that says it all. love is sacred.