holding myself back--my messy beautiful

i was always told i was too much, too intense, too talkative. my nickname was 'bug' because i wanted to talk to my parents instead of let them read their newspaper. i was reading and discussing the newspaper at age 3, asking questions about the Holocaust; reading chapter books at age 4. i was independent, feisty. i would wake up at the crack of dawn and then wake them up soon after coloring a picture to relay my ENTIRE dream from the night before, IN DETAIL. i was good at everything i tried, but never felt like i was. i got good grades and got into every college i applied to. it felt like my parents wanted super humongous things for me; lawyer, doctor or somehow doing big things to help the world, and i just wanted to write and learn about the world. sometimes i feel like i've totally let everyone down because now i'm "just" a stay at home mom. there is no way to tell my whole story about what makes it messy beautiful in one blog post. probably not even ten. i would probably be able to write a book about it and i'd still be cutting parts out. 

my little family

i have started writing this post a hundred times. what story would be the best one to write to represent why my life is messy beautiful? how can i make whatever story i choose the right length without leaving out too much? how do i isolate one part of my story without telling the rest? my life has been filled with beauty. it's been filled with sorrow and ugly. i've listened to myself and i've ignored myself. i've loved and i've lost. i've tried to be the person i think others want me to be. one thing remains true: all of it is okay, except being anyone but myself. 

i learned too late that when we deny what we know to be true, our lives becomes confusing. i spent years trying to be the person i thought i was expected to be. i spent years trying to figure out why the person i felt i was didn't match with what others saw me as. i closed myself up and felt completely lost in my life. i stumbled through my days. while my life felt like it was literally crumbling around me, people on the outside had no idea. when my husband and i split up for the first time or the fifth time, people were puzzled because i was able to put on such a good act about us being so happy. this is not something that you learn over night. this is something perfected over time. when the thing that we know we are doesn't match with what others see us as, we get confused and feel like we are wandering the desert unsure of which direction to walk in. it became easier to just go along with it and i had became a shell of myself. 

i am all of the experiences i have had in my life. there is no way to be one without the other. some stories may weigh more heavily than others in defining who i am. many years ago, i decided i was going to go to therapy. in my first session we went through a bunch of background questions and she took PAGES of notes. my next session she asked me, as she flipped through the PAGES of notes, "so, okay. where do YOU think we need to start?" and i said to her, "isn't that your job? that's why i'm here. but, if i had to answer, i'd say the beginning. because one led to the other." she looked at me blankly and let's just say i never went back. 

(i love this james baldwin)

my story is beautiful because of who i've become because of it. my children are a huge part of my life, but they are not where i have struggle. it's been messy because i have let others define for me who i am and therefore i have gotten in my own way. none of what has happened or i have done makes me any less unlovable. it can feel so lonely to feel like you're not lovable. the truth is i am and if someone is truly uncomfortable with my story and they don't know how to handle it all, they aren't worth my love. and to be loved unconditionally is the only thing i've ever really wanted. i've been searching externally and i've finally turned inward. 

i am a sister and a daughter. i am a mother, aunt and friend. 

i was a victim of rape. my messy beautiful is becoming a mom at age 18. 

my messy beautiful is marriage, divorce. two more babies, post-partem depression and another marriage. now another divorce. it is parenting four children, one with autism. it is fighting for what is right for your kids. it is confusion. it is learning that by removing what confuses, it opens up to clarity. it is finding my strength when all seems lost. it is knowing and loving and adoring each and every one of my four unique kids. it is making the choice to accept responsibility, even when i want to blame. it is coming out of darkness in search of light. it is pure devastation and crawling under my covers. it is coming out of those covers because of hope and possibility and light. it is speaking my truth, as uncomfortable and painful as it may be for me and others. it is friends and family who are there at all moments, beautiful and ugly. it is losing everything yet coming out with far more valuable things with no monetary value. it is being left and not feeling good enough most of my life, yet learning i am lovable and wanted and beautiful, even though. EVEN THOUGH i have not lived a perfect life as it aligns with society. (i am still working on this one!) it is admitting i am taking on too much. it is not needing to be perfect anymore.  it is learning to trust myself. it is saying i am worth it and believing it. it is finding my own worth when everything else is gone and i am stripped down to my naked real me. it is loving myself (and even my curly hair, which i hated for years). 

when i told my grandparents that i was pregnant at 18, it took me FOUR HOURS on a hot July day. my grandma was scared because she'd heard the kkk was making a comeback and my child was going to be half black. my grandpa cal looked around the room and he said, "She's going to be fine. THEY are going to be fine." since then, i've had a number of dreams where i'm climbing a ladder or a bridge. i can't see where it is going and when i look back behind me, there's my grandpa cal. and every time he tells me, "keep going. you can do it. you're going to be fine." 

:my messy beautiful is ME:

 http://momastery.com/carry-on-warrior

This essay and I are part of the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! 
And to learn about the New York Times Bestselling Memoir
Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, just released in paperback, CLICK HERE

 

falling apart or falling into place?

i can't even pretend anymore that i'm not having a hard time. it seems the kids are falling apart at the seams. if i didn't hear another whine in my life i would be forever grateful. that goes for fighting too. i try really hard to have patience with them, yet lately it is all i can do to keep from shutting myself in my room until tomorrow.

the imminent divorce that i hoped would never happen is happening. tuesday we go to (hopefully) finalize the whole thing and then i can really start to move forward and heal more and just be semi-normal with everything else. there's just so much on my mind right now that has yet to be dealt with that i'm trying really hard to not have anxiety over the whole thing. this is just about the hardest thing i have ever had to do. after months and months of trying and praying and hoping, i finally had to file for divorce in october. even then, there was some 'maybe this can still work out' times. as much as i know he doesn't want the divorce, i couldn't see a way that we could make it work. i feel like we are too broken, like a vase that is smashed into millions of shards of glass. it could happen, but would take years and years and YEARS of tedious work. i just couldn't anymore. my heart broke; i know i have to just look ahead to what is coming. i'm due for something great, really. it's only logical that after so many hard years and so much hardship, that greatness comes next.

but these kids. what do i even DO about them? it has been a tremendously long winter here in minnesota and it feels like we have been on top of each other all winter long. as i write, we are getting even more snow. really though i think it's the stress and the hardship this divorce has caused all of us. it makes me feel so bad, realizing the divorce that i filed for, could be causing so much pain in my sweet babies. i have to be honest with myself and not forget the pain i endured within my marriage and remember that they suffered from that, too. i keep telling myself that these kids just need to know they are safe, they are loved, they have what they need: warm house, good food, each other, their mom and other family and they still have their dad. they don't have to pick. sometimes they say, "i'm on mommy's side" and then the other will say, "i'm on daddy's side." and i just tell them, "you don't have to pick a side. you can love us both, we will always be your mommy and your daddy. and we both love you guys." SO HARD. they just don't need to feel so insecure about life. they are too little and precious. i don't know where they pick this stuff up from, but i sure know it's not me. the other day, my five year old told me he wanted to go into Johnny Test and go back to the future and make a new mommy who will buy them as many toys as they wanted and then replace me with his new mommy. (okay this was pretty funny actually).

it doesn't feel good though, to be so stressed that you can't even decide what shirt to put on. or to not realize what day it is five times in the same day that two minutes before you knew it was saturday. i don't want to feel like i've given up on things. it hurts like crazy to not have a whole family like it's been...the funny thing is we weren't even really complete. we were always apart. someone always seemed to be missing for one reason or another. and no family should function only when one person is not there. although i miss the whole family being together thing, i missed that before since it was never all of us all together. i only have four years until my oldest is off to college. i need to make the most of his last four years at home. i need to figure out what i'm going to do to sustain us. looking for a job in the midst of a divorce after being a stay at home mom for 5 years is a lot harder than i thought it would be. somehow my degree and experience just doesn't account for much after that long.

what i'm looking forward to is peace. calm. order. togetherness. planting my garden and watching it grow and harvesting it. at the same time, figuring out how to help my kids have peace and love during this whole thing. i want to paint and write and just be. while my patience is running short and i feel stretched beyond all possibility, i know i can do this. i know i will be okay and they will be, too. now if only to figure out how to start waking up before everyone else to have my coffee and sit in silence for a few moments each morning. . .

one day at a time

                    Grace is the face love wears when it sees imperfection. ~Joseph R. Cooke

soon after husband moved back home, i was given some news. i won't get into the 'news'
as it's not mine to share. i will say that it was unexpected and devastating for me and i came very close to a breaking point. we had been doing so, so well. my heart was overflowing, i felt that it might burst just from the pure ease of our life. i'd been longing for EASE in my life for so long. then, bam. The News. it crippled me and i barely pulled through my days. i couldn't eat. i couldn't sleep. i couldn't look at him. i wanted to hole up in my room and not come out. but my babies needed me and so i did. thank god for them. some days were alright, some were awful. the nights were the worst and i cried in ways i have never cried before. angry, hurt, resentment, sadness, fear, love. all of it at once. talk about intense.

then i just started giving it up to God. it's all i could do. now and then i'd have questions i thought i wanted answered, but i learned soon enough that the answers, or even verbalizing my questions out loud, were so painful that i just stopped asking. i might have those thoughts, but as i was taught in meditation, acknowledge the thought and don't dwell on it. he's fighting for me, for us. i could see that and i decided i had to deal with things differently. that's when i decided i had to give more grace, for him and for me. i had to look for and find the good. somewhere, in all the bad, is always good. i felt like the message i was getting from God was to just love, as hard as it might be sometimes, and keep looking for the good and that everything would work out the way it was supposed to. so i did. i'm not a Bible verse memorizer so i'm not going to spout out some Bible verse that somehow justifies my decision or what verse is giving me strength. my Bible is about messages, whole messages, not chopped up for me to use verses here and there. the days since then have been a mixture of things. i've been timid and unsure...waiting for it to fall apart completely again. i've been strong and awesome, ready to kick the day's ass, confident that all will be well. and i've had regular days where things just ARE.

mostly, even on the timid, unsure, meek elsa days, i end up only finding love. it's so hard to boil it down to that one thing, but everything else is done within LOVE. appreciating what the other does and being able to put that into words and share them with the other person. seeing him do things i know he doesn't necessarily enjoy, but somehow finding joy within those menial things. cleaning gutters in the rain? not anyone's idea of a fun time, but he saw the silver lining when it started to rain super hard...he didn't have to drag the hose around to wash them out. (and he didn't complain about having to do the gutters, which i definitely would have!) taking my 7 year old out for an early 6 am breakfast and then to get on her bus to go to her summer program so i could sleep a little longer. hearing sweet voicemails that tell me how i compliment his life in so many ways and make things so much better for him (compared to when we were apart). there are even days when i feel nothing at all and i know i just have to get through and tomorrow will be a new day. that's okay, too.

i feel heard and understood. words of appreciation go SO.FAR. when i have a hard day now and then, i just tell him. he doesn't try to change how i feel, he just accepts it and apologizes and asks what he can do to help. we talk more. A LOT more. we spend more quality time together, sometimes it isn't the long conversations we have other times, but even taking ten minutes shows we care. everything he says feels like there is more truth, more meaning, more love behind the words. many times the truth in my words might sting or hurt a little more than other times, but i'm done with keeping things in. it hasn't gotten me anywhere good. last weekend there were a couple of regular old moments where i was watching him with the kids and in the house. my heart swelled and i teared up. it just felt good and right. later i told him about that and he thought i was being sarcastic. UGH. obviously i am not that great with expressing myself in spoken words. i have some work to do, too! when i told him i was serious, he was so relieved it wasn't a joke. i'm not quite sure how one would joke about that kind of stuff, but i suppose there are those that might do that, and i know there are those (me) that just don't say those super important things.

reunited and on a date

we haven't always been in this place. we won't always be in this exact place. i just sort of feel like we are building a new foundation...a new level of understanding, giving up control, giving up the anger, giving up the negative shit. because that's really what all the bad stuff is, shit...it's just icky, nasty stuff that poisons a relationship. we are focusing on appreciation, love, goal setting and working together on everything, one moment, one day at a time.

love one more time

for anyone who has been following my blog or knows me personally, my journey in the last year (or 32 years) has been nothing short of hard. i've had many ups and downs, ins and outs, laughter and tears.  i've been given the opportunity to show myself that i am still strong. i have found a couple of things that i enjoy a lot more than i thought i did. i've become inspired to do more, to live with my arms wide open, take me or leave me. it's been confusing. it's been dark and terrifying. i've found beauty and courage, even in the darkest times. i've been reminded of the abundant love i am surrounded by daily in my friends, my family and my children. i've been given grace because i'm not always the easiest person to be around, especially when life is so incredibly challenging. i've been given the strength to carry on, day in and day out, caring for four magnificent children (magnificent and full of the ability to wear me right out)! i've been shown that even when i doubt myself and my ability to continue doing 'this,' i actually CAN do it. i can persevere and thrive. i've found a true spiritual home and continually feel filled up, overwhelmed and thankful FOR every new day that i'm given to do better for myself and my kids. this place humbles me and opens me up for more love. i'm reminded that we all deserve a second chance. or maybe a hundredth chance at whatever it is we are struggling to figure out. we are all human and make mistakes, but we are also able to keep working to do better.

may 28 would have been the fifth month since my husband and i separated. nothing ever felt so real in all my life. nothing was ever harder than those five months that we were separated. unless, of course, you count the year we spent completely apart when he moved to florida for a promotion and we could not find a place to live there. those were some long months back then too, with an infant, a 2 year old, 4 year old and a 10 year old. not to mention the snowiest winter we had had in years.

thankfully may 28 will not mark a full fifth month of us being separated. instead we will be in vegas together for a weekend away. it's funny how fast things can change...or seem to change. the thing is, all along, things have been changing. the way we took care of ourselves, the way we communicated, didn't communicate, fought, loved, parented, our outlook on life, and overall, lived. the way things have changed have allowed us both to grow as individuals, strengthening our ability to be together in a relationship. we've been able to have some really great healing conversations in the last couple weeks. in my opinion, it's sort of like a new relationship. it's the first time that i feel we took the time we both needed to heal, grow, take care of ourselves and learn to work together. the truth is, our marriage has not been one where we were actually living together all of the time. for the first year or so, he worked here in town. the second year he went to florida for 8 months. the last year and half, he has been traveling extensively for his current position. we have definitely had our share of relationship hardships. everything really pushed our relationship aside and we pushed each other aside unintentionally. needless to say, we have been given another chance to love each other and be married. there's a reason neither of us filed for divorce. maybe it was time, maybe it was money, maybe it was trying to figure out all the details. who knows. but those things interfered enough to keep us from divorce and for that, i am thankful. i've been given another chance and i must show up.

as i was learning to live life as a single mom, i learned some (i think) valuable lessons that can be applied to any relationship...

~the second person starts the fight. you can't fight alone. if you decide to argue, you have started the fight, as it was your choice. choose your battles wisely!
~each person has their role...even if both of you work, there are other ways you have different, important roles. allow each of you to have those roles and appreciate the other for the things they do for the relationship/family/etc.
~soften up...it's okay to let that wall come down and be vulnerable. start small if you have to, but it's an important step to strengthen the trust you have with the other person.
~really listen to what the other person is trying to say. not everybody is going to come out and say exactly what they mean. if you're not sure, ask questions. listen with your heart and your ears. 
~look for the ways the other person shows they love you. maybe it's having the laundry done so you don't have to worry about it. maybe it's cooking dinner for the family when they are home/able to so you don't have to. maybe they pick up a magazine/book/coffee that they know you like as a sweet reminder they were thinking of you. it's possible these things don't happen often, but find them. they are there.
~encourage them. appreciate them. love them. accept them. be humble.
~show affection/intimacy/love...hugs, kisses, back rub, love notes, calls to say you appreciate all they do. 
~learn to say 'i'm sorry' and mean it. hard to do, yet easy enough if you let your pride go.

i'm sure there are more, but these are good starts that cost nothing and take you far together.

i could easily be a big, big mess right now. i could be pushing forward with a divorce i didn't really want because i had a point to prove. i could be fighting, hating, arguing and angry. instead, i am being brave, finding courage to be open and honest, forgiving and learning to trust. i'm also scared, but i know there's a reason we've been given another chance to figure this out. recognizing my fear gives me courage to keep on. maybe this is it and it will be (semi) smooth sailing from here on out. the unknown is okay now. i usually get a little anxious when i don't know what is going to happen. i also usually close up and keep my distance so as to avoid being hurt again. i don't want that kind of life. i want a life of love and living fully. my newest friend, who is like my separated-at-birth-sister, has taught me so many things this past year. i fully believe that people come into our lives when we need them most. we met in my front yard with me crying about my life, mowing in my work clothes. like so many others, she has held my hand and been by my side. the difference is she did it and allowed me to be who i am without apology. as i was wondering if i'd totally blown my chance at a friendship by saying too much on first meeting, she was in her house feeling freed by me being so open, thankful that i WAS so open! i guess it really does pay to take these kinds of chances. i want to live a life full of these kinds of relationships, including the one with my husband. i always thought i was too broken to share any of that with anyone. i thought those things would not just push, but DRIVE them away, fast and fierce. i couldn't be more wrong. those are the relationships worth having! so far, it's going well with husband and i. i find myself holding back now and then, but it doesn't stay. i push through and share. the silly details of our lives do nothing to bring us closer. so i encourage you to dive deeper, share more, trust and love. i told husband i didn't want to talk about my day running kids around...those details are so COMPLETELY boring and mundane. i want to talk about the things that will strengthen our bond, so we understand each other better.

he called me the other day to thank me for taking care of everything all of the time. for having the laundry done all the time so he could focus on work, which is really busy right now, and also the kids who he doesn't see as much because of work. he thanked me for doing such a good job with everything. it was really, really nice to hear and to feel validated, as there are many days when it feels like my day is on repeat...wondering if this jean skirt i'm about to wash can really be dirty because, didn't i just wash it two days ago?!

i don't know where this road will take us, but it cannot possibly be any worse than the last year. it might be harder, but i can do hard. just not worse. hard can still be good and i'll gladly take that because that means work is being done.

living out loud

last night i went to hear Glennon Doyle from Momastery.com. i got a pre-print copy of her book Carry On, Warrior months ago. i was ecstatic to hear her speak on suffering and faith and healing. although our stories aren't all the same, i could relate to so many of them. for example, when i was age 7 (or so), my sister told me i was fat. maybe i never became bulimic, but i remember crying. she brought me a teddy bear. to this day i remember thinking, does she really think this changes things? i've since forgiven my sister, but i've come out of it learning i don't want gifts as a form of apology. it doesn't work for me.

as my very close friend and neighbor, Ariana, walked in to the church where Glennon was speaking, i was plotting my response to the email my husband had sent and i felt the need to respond, strongly. we found our seats and i started replying and as i found myself struggling to find the words i needed to repute what he was saying, Glennon said something about not to fight back. and it hit me! i stopped right then and there, deleted what i was working on and finished up with the email cordially and with no fighting. after all, i knew i was so tired of fighting, so why would i continue with this? so as ariana and i were sitting listening to Glennon finishing up her talk, i knew i wanted to say SOMETHING, during the Q & A... i just wasn't sure what. finally it came to me. i leaned over to Ariana and said, "I know what i want to say!" she said, "GO!" So i walked my sassy-self up there to the microphone, in my cream high healed wedges, cuffed skinny jeans, thin white sweater and light turquoise colored bracelet, heart racing and stood and waited. the pastor announced i would be the last one to comment. great, i thought, i better make this good! (FYI, this is not exactly what i said, but here's why i had to say something)

a year ago, i found myself a working, single mom of four. my husband had left for the second time that year. he left two more times last year and finally after Christmas, i told him not to come back anymore. so last spring, i came home from work and the grass was long. i got the lawn mower out and started mowing, in my work clothes, bare foot, because who has time to change shoes or clothes. i soon noticed my neighbor (ariana) walking down the street and kept thinking, maybe she won't come talk to me. maybe if i don't notice her, she won't stop! well, she DID stop. she had a few kids with her and asked me how i was. little did she know she was opening the flood gates. "i'm fine", i said, "my husband left (again) recently and i just have to get the lawn mowed." she said, "are you sure it's over?" and i said, "yes, i'm sure." the tears started flowing, her kids just sort of looked at me, this crazy lady, crying in her yard with her lawn mower and yard waste barrel sitting there. mind you, this was only my second time meeting these people! i had nothing else to offer but ME. the real live me. all the good, the bad and the ugly. and she and i bonded immediately. there was no turning back. my ugly story was out and by then, i figured i'd lost a chance at a friend (because who wants a train wreck for a friend?). i was worried i would not be fine. but i AM fine. but i have not ALWAYS been fine. i had my first son at 19 and was so scared telling my family. when i told my grandparents, it took me HOURS. literally! my grandpa looked around at all of us and said, "she's going to be fine. THEY are going to be fine." and i was. little did i know, that little, teary filled conversation opened up a friendship that was bigger than i ever imagined possible. the shallow friendship never existed. i showed her the real me from the start and there was no going back. our friendship had no place to go but deeper and i have realized she is like an angel to me. every body is put into our lives for a reason. after much of my life being told that i should watch what i say, that people don't want to hear about the bad stuff, that it makes them uncomfortable, i found out that actually, the opposite was true. that we could connect on a truer level than i ever thought possible if i just didn't hold back.

i wanted to thank Glennon for being brave and sharing her not-so-pretty stories because in my opinion, the not-so-pretty stories are better and more heartfelt than the perfect ones and that until i stumbled upon her blog and Facebook page, i was always editing who i was and what i said, for fear of offending someone. rest assured, i was crying right away, within the first 30 seconds of speaking and my eyes were dancing in my head and i felt like i couldn't see anything correctly. maybe it was fear for saying my truth because it would make people uncomfortable, maybe it was out of fear because i was speaking in front of a few hundred people. who knows. all i know is i ended by thanking her for being brave and sharing. i told her she inspired me to share who i am and to live out loud, to live with my arms wide open, saying "here i am." she clasped her hands together, put them to her heart and walked down to me to hug me, and as she did, she mouthed to me, "carry on, warrior." the whole place was clapping and standing. surreal.

i didn't mean to take her spotlight. i simply wanted to thank her for being an inspiration to me through a very difficult time. i shared how lonely it is to be sitting besides someone you adore and love, yet feel more lonely than if you were sitting there alone by yourself. she and her book, validated my belief that my desire and need to share my stories, pretty and not-so-pretty and everything in between, is alright because it helps me and also might just help someone else. her stories helped me to identify what i was feeling that was missing in my relationship with my husband...depth. what i loved so much was everyone feels and experiences life's greatest emotions the same, it's the details that are not the same. everyone experiences joy, love, pain, suffering, happiness. do the details really matter? it's the details that cause us to feel that we are lacking and thus, cause us to feel isolated and alone. the best, most wonderful thing that i have seen come out of this stage in my life is that when i felt most alone, confused and desperate for true relationships, my people came out of the woodwork. they lifted me up, supported me, helped me and loved me. for me. with all my messiness. PROOF that i am just as lovable messy as i am nice and neat and predictable. i can be who i am and still be loved.

all my life, i was known for sharing the stories no one wanted told about them. like the time my mom took me and my sisters on a canoe trip to the BWCA and we got stuck going through a shallow canal. my mom got up and stood on a rock and us three girls just sat there, looking up at her, when she said, "maybe if you got your fat asses out of the canoe, we wouldn't be stuck!" it's funny now and we can all laugh at it, but my mom feeling embarrassed, is an understatement as to how she felt when i first shared this story to her book group. let's just say, they still talk about it...in good humor of course. i also get told i'm too intense for most people, which is disheartening because my intensity, partnered with someone else's intensity (about something, not relationship-wise) would be a force to be reckoned with if given a chance.




my story is not a pretty one. it isn't easy, simple or so-called perfect. within my short 32 years, i have lived through more experiences than most will experience in a life time. i don't regret a single moment of it as this is my truth. i am not ashamed. i don't know why coming out of and living through a not-so-perfect life would be considered 'persevering through adversity' by some because for many, it's just been the life they were given and for those of us with a life like this, we don't know it any other way. although it has not been easy, i can say for certain, i would not have wanted it any other way. not for one second. i am emotional, intense, intelligent, loving, kind, fun, reserved, passionate and nurturing. i am a mom, a sister, aunt and friend. i want to continue to share my story out loud because for me, i've never felt freer than i do today.

soothing the soul

when things are kind of topsy turvy and feel kinda crazy, that's my cue. slow down, get comfy and do some major soothing of the soul. my kids seem to be 'off' lately (not gonna lie, i'm feeling quite cabin feverish and also crazy). our winter is dragging on and on and on here in minnesota and honestly, it's beginning to affect me. it's also times like this that i try to go back to a simpler way of being. yummy, filling homemade soups. sitting and reading on the couch. cuddling. playing games and just being together. confession: even with all these nice no pressure days, my kids are STILL driving me bonkers, even though i'm trying to slow down and just do fun things with them. lately i find myself saying, "i am the boss around here!" to my two year old who thinks she's the boss. she will even TELL you she's the boss by saying, "i'm the boss in my house!" i think she's spending a little too much time with someone...ah-hem. :) also, i could REALLY really use a vacation. 

in what feels like head-spinning madness, i've been trying to take time to keep up with the traditions i've created for me and my kids. one of my most favorite traditions for us is Sunday Night Snacks. yep, that's what we call it. sundays are always my day to re-group and get ready for the week. almost every Sunday we go to church. our church is amazing. really. i try not to get all churchy and preachy about how great it is, but i find i can't really help myself. i've never in my life been a part of a church that i felt this way about. most sundays, i find myself so overwhelmed, renewed and my heart filled right up, that i cry. not sobbing, but the tears come and i get choked up. i feel like i'm given a new chance to be a good mom, a good friend and a good person. i'm ready to take on my week ahead. my kids love sunday school and my oldest enjoys youth group. it really is a win for all of us. then we go home, hang out, clean and do whatever. sometimes there are play dates, but usually we are just home. we get in pjs early and we make snacks. the kids LOVE sunday nights! we make air popped popcorn, cut up fruit, ants on a log, cheese and crackers and often i let the kids have some input as to what we have. we carry it all downstairs to the family room and hang out, talk, play, watch a family friendly show. it gets messy usually but that's what vacuums are for, right? it's just a really great way to end the weekend and start the week. when we don't do it, the kids are pretty disappointed. we didn't have sunday night snacks last night so we had them tonight (monday). it definitely did not go over quite as well. they kept asking me what was for dinner. did they really just think it was all just a snack? the kids ended up having a PB & J before bed because apparently, snacks for dinner on a monday never happens and so therefore, dinner didn't happen. 

sunday night snacks didn't start with me. the story i've been told is my grandma (mom's mom) would cook a big sunday dinner and didn't want to cook again, so they started having popcorn and light snacks at night. this was probably about 50 years ago! my mom and dad did them with us and now we all do them with our kids. even though my dad and mom got divorced when i was little, my dad still has popcorn on sunday nights. pretty cool, if you ask me. i love having little things like this that the kids look forward to...things that are a constant even though dad has moved out.

some other intentional things (although maybe not traditions) i try to do are: no cell phone in my hands during story time, bedtime and meal time. everyone can help prepare a part of the meal and we all eat meals together. i make an effort to have everyone go to the other's important events; sports games, concerts, open houses at school, violin recitals, preschool performances. you name it, we are all there if possible. when it's time to clean, each kid has their own special jobs to do so they feel like an important, valued part of the family. we can all help one another. laundry is a family event (everyone folds their own)! i must be doing something right because i caught my 2.5 year old cleaning the potty one day with her baby wipes and man, was she proud! we also turn the music up and have dance parties. sometimes i turn on folky music and just listen and let it do some work on my heart.

i realize many families do the same sort of things, but my hope is to create a sense of continuity...just because dad moved out, doesn't mean we have to stop doing the things we enjoy. but, because dad moved out, mom needs help with certain things. i try to not do the things they can do for themselves and when i see they can do more, i give them more responsibilities. i am trying to teach them that we are a family and as siblings, they are each other's first friends. i am working on them learning that we do things for others because it makes the other person feel good, because we won't like everything we ever do, but it is worth it to see someone else feel important, loved and worthwhile. i tell them i am only one person, so when we are able to help, we have to pitch in or everything will fall apart. we are a team and if only one team member is doing the work, the team isn't really a team. we want all of us to be successful as individuals and as a family. i really try to get them to understand that we love each other and that is the most important thing ever because no one can take us away from our family. i must say it often, because my four year old always says, "why do you ALWAYS say that?!" and i answer, "Because it is THAT important." they don't know it, but they will thank me one day. we all have some healing to do and this is just the place to do that and they already seem to be doing better.  

what are some of your favorite (non-holiday) everyday traditions that help you slow down and stay connected to your children? 

mom, i peed in your bed.

there's nothing quite like waking up to your four year old son saying, ''mom...i peed in your bed.'' i quickly told him to get up and go change, which he did, while i lay there with a sleeping 2.5 year old snoring next to me on my right side. as i lay there stuck on my side, i thought to myself, "well at least he told you before you rolled over and figured it out that way." it really is the little things, people.

so, my four year old son is not 100% potty trained, you see. he needs a lot of reminders all day long and was not really doing very well at night with Pull-Ups staying dry so when we ran out, i ran to Target to buy more. i decided to buy those pads that stick to their sheets instead of Pull-Ups. he did pretty well for a few nights, until last night, that is. also, i wasn't really thinking that i wouldn't be putting the pee pad in my bed. guess i didn't really think this whole thing through.

they love sleeping together

calvin (on the left) always comes in during the night to sleep with me (or us, before my ex moved out for the last time). calvin claims he "never EVER gets to sleep with me," which is a very big understatement and a very hard argument to win at 2 in the morning. before husband moved out after Christmas, we shared a queen size bed in the not-so-huge master bedroom in our not-so-big rambler style house. husband is a pretty big guy (6'2'', 250 lbs) so my share of the bed was never a whole lot, but then you add a four year old to the space and, as of last summer, a 2 year old, and mama ends up with the two year old wrapped in her arm, balancing herself and the little one from falling off the bed, while the boys sleep comfortably on the rest of the bed. squishing mom off to the side wasn't really an intentional thing, as most co-sleeping families/parents with small night visitors know, but nonetheless, i'm good at sleeping in one spot all night.

now, when husband moved out, i would lay in our bed, in our room that felt completely empty, and i swear every sound echoed. i knew behind his closet door was an empty closet. i knew inside his dresser were empty drawers. i still laid in my same space in the bed and perfected not falling off my bed in the night when i had two small night visitors even though there was really plenty of space now in that bed. i decided one night i could not stay in that room. i didn't want that bed, i didn't want anything to do with the one place that would constantly remind me that he used to be there and now was not. that room felt empty and lonely and strange now. i felt like i was laying in another person's bedroom and i didn't belong. my girls were squished in their bedroom now that anja was out of her crib and in a twin bed, so i decided then and there that they would move into the master bedroom and i'd move into their smaller room.

my mom and step dad brought my brass bed over from when i was little. my FULL size brass bed. i didn't care that it was a full size bed. maybe it'd force me to train the kids to sleep in their own beds. my girls had a very colorful bedroom and i would cry looking at 'my' room, with green on the bottom half of the walls, a hot pink stripe around the room and purple at the top, with my childhood bed in there. it felt so ridiculous. i was going to CLAIM MY SPACE, have it beautiful and cozy and MINE. i bought paint and painted that room in a couple days. i found a duvet cover pattern so i ran out and bought fabric and started cutting the pieces out right away. the paint color isn't EXACTLY what i wanted and

my duvet cover isn't finished quite yet (i've got the front done!), but it's mine and it doesn't feel lonely or echoey. i have a 'little bed' set up next to my bed on the floor (crib mattress made up with lots of blankets) for when anja comes in. the truth is, no one sleeps down there and i'm too tired to enforce my nighttime rules. hey, i'm only ONE PERSON. the one person my kids want to sleep with. one night i told anja to sleep on the little bed because "this is what we do. we sleep. because mamas with no sleep are crabby." and she said, "okay mama. i'll sleep down here. because this is what we do. we sleep." yes baby. we sleep. BUT then she popped up and said very exasperated, "if i sleep down here, i can't put my hand on your chest." i said, "you don't NEED to put your hand on me!" her two year old reasoning was, "yes i DO, mama. i have to because i have hands." how do you argue with that?! she climbed on up, we snuggled up and i hung on to the side of my full size bed while the boy slept soundly beside me with plenty of space. sigh.


maybe i need one of these. especially if one day i have to move out of this house and into something smaller...i'm pretty sure the kids wouldn't mind!! i'm also thinking they might still end up in my bed...but when it is all said and done, all kids learn to be independent sleepers. my oldest crept in to sleep with me until age 6 and my second slept with me until she was about 4, when my pregnant belly was too big for more people in the bed.



while i know it won't last forever and i don't always enjoy having a couple of kids in my bed with me every night, waking up stiff because i haven't moved in 8 hours and sometimes i wake up to wet sheets, i'm thankful for them for helping me keep my bed warm(er), for my 2.5 year old daughter who puts her little hand on my chest to fall asleep like she did when she was nursing, and i'm super thankful they feel so safe in my bed with me (even though we're squished). i don't know that i want to take that from them when their lives are being turned upside down. my space isn't entirely mine as i had envisioned, yet it is sacred anyway. it is sacred because they come to me to be loved. and that says it all. love is sacred.